


A modern Romeo and Juliet.

by WasilewskiLover



Category: My Mad Fat Diary
Genre: F/M, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Smut, Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-01
Updated: 2015-11-28
Packaged: 2018-04-07 03:35:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 14
Words: 73,922
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4247796
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WasilewskiLover/pseuds/WasilewskiLover
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>It's settled in 2015. I think it's going all from Finn's POV but maybe I'll change something, going forward. The all story is reversed. Finn is the one with a lack of confidence, and Rae and Liam are an item. I hope you'll like this! I loved writing it!<br/>If you like this, please leave kudos. :)</p>
    </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> It's settled in 2015. I think it's going all from Finn's POV but maybe I'll change something, going forward. The all story is reversed. Finn is the one with a lack of confidence, and Rae and Liam are an item. I hope you'll like this! I loved writing it!  
> If you like this, please leave kudos. :)

Last year of college is finally here.  
No more sitting on a bench on my own. No more covering my face with a book whenever some twat passes along and takes the piss.  
I never used to be like this when I was little. I used to be a friendly kid, I was the one always asking around to the older guys if I could play football with them. I was the guy everyone wanted to be around.  
But college changed everything. I don’t enjoy being here, never have, but things got a little complicated since last year.  
Fortunately this is my last year. Finally I can leave this bloody place, go to university and get the hell out. I just need to endure. Just need to endure.  
I haven’t even got in yet, and I already want to get out this bloody building. Maybe I’ll just stand here, outside, watching everyone else…

“Hey Romeo, going somewhere?” of course. I don’t even have time to think on what to do that some twat takes the piss. God, when did I become such a coward? I should just step up and give that jerk what he deserves.

Liam Harold was the typical bully. Always trying to appear like the super-hero in front of his mates and, obviously, his girlfriend. I couldn’t cope with the fact that he had a girlfriend, for starters. How could someone love that guy? He was such a dickhead.  
I had also thought that his girlfriend was probably has dumb as he was but, to be honest, I had the chance to see her in my English class, and she was everything but dumb. She always showed interest in literature and once I had even heard her talk about Oasis. I mean, it’s 2015, and there are still cool and smart people that talk about Oasis?  
So there… how could brilliant and apparently kind Rachel Earl, be with someone like Liam ass-face Harold? 

“Enough with the Romeo thing, mate.” 

“I’m sorry did you say something? I’m not used to hear trash talking.” 

He was just standing there, laughing like a prick, watching me recollect my books from the ground. Seriously what was wrong with this guy? It wasn’t like I had done something to him.

“Liam what are you doing?” A girly voice came from behind me. I automatically turned my head and I saw her. Rachel Earl was coming towards us with her confident aura. I couldn’t understand how people could be so confident. But the sight of her made me believe it was possible.  
Sure, it was easier being confident when you’re a beautiful girl like she was. Long dark hair, tall as a tree, she was anything but mainstream. I had always thought her body had been used, in another era, from artists like Michelangelo or Raphael. She was gorgeous and she knew it. But she didn’t show herself off. She was just confident and she knew who she was.

“Hey baby what are you doing here?” The bare thought of him being able to call a girl perfect like her ‘baby’, made my skin burn. He didn’t deserve her. And yet, there she was, giving him a kiss on his lips. 

“I told you to stay away from him.” Rachel was standing between the prick and I, pointing her finger towards me. Only two explanations possible: one, she was getting tired of his bullying or two, she didn’t want her boyfriend to be seen next to someone who was treated by everyone like dirt. 

“Come on babe, we were just having fun.” Fun? I wasn’t having fun. When were we having fun? She was standing there, looking at him with a judging look on her face and then she just turned herself towards me, the word ‘sorry’ written all over her face.

“I am really sorry for my boyfriend’s behavior.” She faced him for a second.  
“He’s just a kid.” Then she faced me again.  
“Can I help you with your books?” Okay, definitely option one: she was apologizing for her boyfriend. I loved being right about her. She was one of a kind.

“No, I got this.” I tried not to sound rude, but from the look on her face, I had hurt her.  
“Thank you anyway.” I gave her a small smile which she happily returned. 

“No problem. I promise you, Liam won’t bother you anymore.” I loved the fact that she thought she could manage him. Clearly she had no idea of how mean her boyfriend was. Again, why was she with him? If she was my girlfriend I wouldn’t waist my time around, getting the piss out of people. I would spend every hour of every day telling her how beautiful and great she was.  
As if she’s ever gonna see me in that way. 

Although they were already far away I could hear her talking to that prick, she was still defending me. Why did she bother that much? It’s not like we were friends or anything. 

“This is his last year, can’t you just leave him be? Promise me you’ll stay away from him, okay?” Liam was already nodding his head, as he usually did every time she surprised him giving a hard time to someone. He was afraid of her, and if only I could have a laugh without someone punching me, I would have had one.  
As he took her hand in his, I watched them walking towards their friends. They seemed like a good group of mates, but it was hard to tell, since I never actually got to talk to them. There were two boys and two girls. They were probably all couples.  
Be with them meant be with the popular kids but from what I could see of them, they were just a bunch of nice lads. All but Liam, of course. They were the only people who didn’t take the piss out of me and Archie, one of the guys, was the only one who knew that my real name was Finn Nelson, and not fucking Romeo. 

“Come on Finn, you can do this. You have just one year and then, you’ll be free. You can do this.” Every morning, since the past year, I used to repeat myself those words. Well, my father’s words. He was proud of the fact that I didn’t drop out because of those twats. As if I could let them win. I needed good grades to get into university and since I had zero social life, it was easier. Everyone was too busy with Facebook, and Twitter and Snapchat to mind me anyway. They were all into those worthless stuff and I was into books and music. Simple as that. 

_______________________________

The first day wasn’t even over yet, and I already wanted to run home. How could I last another year in all that shit? Fortunately I had a free hour and, since it was a very sunny day, I just sat on a bench as usual, reading for the million time Shakespeare.  
A bunch of guys were playing football near by but I didn’t really give them attention because Rachel Earl herself was coming to sit next to me. Oh God, what do I do now?

“Hey there Romeo, you’re alright?” Great, she used to call me Romeo, too.

“Suppose so.”

“What are you doing out here all alone?” Was she really sitting next to me? I could already see her boyfriend following her with his eyes. He was pissed. Fucking fantastic.

“I am always alone.” What do I always say these twattish things?

“Not anymore.” Was she smiling at me? Oh God, it’s been only one minute and I already want to kiss her. She’s so beautiful. I gave her a little smile in return and she took it as a sign to come closer. What the hell was happening?

“So… you’re reading Shakespeare, uh?”

“You don’t like Shakespeare?”

“Are you kidding? I love Shakespeare.” She started to laugh, visibly nervous about something, and just stood up personating Juliet.  
“O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore are thou Romeo? Deny thy father and refuse thy name. Or, if thou wilt not, be but sworn my love, and I’ll no longer be a Capulet.” I was completely in shock. Not only she was reciting my favorite book out loud, but she wasn’t even shy about it. She was standing there, all the guys playing, applauding in her honour, and she was just watching me, wondering if I liked her performance.

“That was amazing, I didn’t know you liked Shakespeare.”

“Just because it’s 2015, it doesn’t mean we have to forget great authors.” I just nodded in assent. In that moment I wished I was a bit more confident, a bit more right for her. She was just too perfect for me. Nodding, was all I could do.  
“So, it’s that why they call you Romeo? Because you read Shakespeare?”

“Actually it’s because I always read ‘Romeo and Juliet’ and it’s insane because I could all call you Facebook or YouTube , since it’s all you guys care about nowadays.” I was being a prick for no reason but instead of being mad she was having a laugh. At me. I had made someone as perfect as Rachel Earl, laugh.

“You are funny, you know that?”

“Funny? Me?”

“Yeah, you really are. So, what’s your real name, Romeo?”

“It’s Finn.” No one had ever bothered about finding out my real name. She was the kindest soul in all Stamford College for sure.

“Nice to meet you, Finn. I am Rachel, but you can call me Rae.” She reached out for an handshake, gave me a smile and in a second she was already up, ready to take off. I wished that moment could last forever.  
“Right, I gotta go now but, if you have nothing else to do, tonight you could come down to the pub, you know the one at the end of Mills Road? I’ll be there with my friends.” She was asking me out to meet her friends? Why?

“Uhm, thanks, I’ll think about that.”

“Great, I’ll see you later then.” She didn’t like to take no for an answer and I didn’t want to say one. She was already gone when , all of a sudden, she turned around, yelling so that I could hear.  
“YOU KNOW, ROMEO IS A GREAT CHARACTER, YOU SHOULD BE DELIGHTED TO BE CALLED ROMEO. I WOULD LOVE TO BE CALLED JULIET.” I had never thought I could spend a nice time at college, until Rachel Earl showed up to my face. The previous year she didn’t give me the slightest look and now, we were like, buddies? Not that I had something to complain, she was great. Maybe one day, she could be my Juliet. 

_________________________

I couldn’t believe that, for the first time, I had somewhere to go. Every guy at my age, had always something planned, scheduled date with their hot girlfriends, while I had a date with books. I just thought that the world outside couldn’t be better than the one told by Fitzgerald or Conrad. But today, for the first time, I want to get out. I want to meet this amazing girl, although she’s spoken for. 

“Where are you going son? It’s 9 PM.” My dad had a scared look of his face. Of course, he wasn’t used to see me going out on a Tuesday night, and either was I.

“I’m going to the pub down Mills Road. Meeting some lads from college.”

“Do you really think I’ll buy that?”

“No, it’s… it’s true. Incredible, but true.” A mix of shock and relief was on my dad’s face now. He was probably happy for me.

“Oh, okay then. Don’t be late, son. College tomorrow.” I nodded and waved a hand to him and then I went out. Although the day had been sunny, I thought a big tempest was headed towards us, but that didn’t bother me like the rest of people. I loved rain, and the soft sound of the water banging over the glass of the window. I wished I was born 20 years before. In that way, I could win over a girl by using sentences like that.

The pub wasn’t too far away from home but it was stuffed with people. Too many people. It was the only pub who kept the ’90 style and I loved that about it. I used to walk over there, years before, and just sat there listening to old songs from The Stone Roses or Blur. No one could understand why I didn’t listen to people like Florida or Kanye West. I mean, do you really have to ask? That’s not music, that’s just loud noises.

Once I entered I spotted the gang. They were all sitting in the table in the corner of the pub. The popular table. I still couldn’t believe Rae had invited me. What did she see in me? I tried to make my way over there but there was no sign of her. However, Liam was. Of course he was, Liam was her boyfriend. Did I really think he was going to stay at home?

“What the hell are you doing here, Romeo? And where are your books?” Always a prick. It’s not like I had zero life outside books. I liked music, and food, and travelling, and I would have loved to have a group of friends like Rae’s. I was just shy. What was wrong with that?

“I’m waiting for Rae.” The gang, and Liam, turned their heads over me, thinking that they probably got it wrong. 

“I’m sorry what did you say?” Liam was furious. He had already spotted her talking to me in the afternoon and now I was saying I was waiting for her.

“I said, I’m waiting for Rae.”

“No, you’re not. Why would you wait for my Rae?” My Rae? It’s not like she’s a fucking possession.

“She said to meet her here, tonight.”

“Like hell she did. Why would she be going out with you? She’s my girlfriend.”

“I didn’t say I’m going out with her, I’m saying I’m waiting for her.”

“Well, you’re wasting your time Romeo. She’s not here.” I hated to pay attention to what Liam was saying but he was right. Rae was nowhere near the pub. Why did she have to invite him there and then not showing up?

“I’m just gonna sit here and wait.”

“You’re not sitting with us and you’re leaving, end of.”

“You don’t tell me what I can and can’t do, dickhead.”

“What did you just call me? I’m going to teach some good manners now, Romeo.”

“Liam, that’s enough.” Archie was standing in between of Liam and me, trying to talk some sense into the fucker. Then he just turned to me.  
“Look, Liam is right, Rae is not coming. But you can sit with us if you want, despite what Liam says. These are Izzy, Chloe and Chop. And I’m Archie but you already know that.”

He was trying to be polite, and the rest of the gang was smiling is support, but what was the point? I had nothing in common with them, and with Rae not being there, I just wanted to go home. 

“Thanks guys but I’m just gonna go. See you in college, I guess.” They all waved at me, visibly upset for Liam. If they all dislike him, why was he there? But most of all, with did Rae ask me to join her and her friends, knowing she wasn’t going to show up? She was just like everyone else, she enjoyed taking the piss out of me. I got it all wrong about her, she was just a dickhead like her boyfriend, no, she was even worse; she pretended to like me to disappoint me in front of lots of people. No wonder why they are a couple. 

“Son, you’re home already? When I said come home early, I didn’t mean at 9,30.”

“I got bored, that’s all.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes, I am sure dad. Can I go to sleep now?”

“But it’s 9.30!”

“I’m just tired. Goodnight.”

I was right, I had always been right. The world outside is nothing compared to the one in your favorite books. That’s why I prefer reading other than socialize. People are mean, books aren’t. They talk to you, without judging. They tell a story that somehow is always connected to you, although they don’t know you for real. Books are the perfect getaway from the world’s shit.


	2. Chapter 2

“Finn, come on, I can’t believe I still need to wake you up for college. You’re 18, son. Time to grow up!” My father was standing there, at the end of the bed, yelling something about growing up. It wasn’t like he needed to get me up every fucking morning. I just wanted to bury my head in the pillow for one time and not facing all those twats at college. Not too much to ask for I guess.  
But my dad was right. I couldn’t let those jerks win. This was my life, my future and they couldn’t screw me up like this.  
Truthfully though, the real reason I didn’t want to get up that specific morning, wasn’t because I’d have to face some idiots; it was because of fucking Rachel Earl.  
I had been so wrong about her and I didn’t want to believe it. She had always seemed so kind and sensitive, always defending the weakest, and now she was just a dickhead like the rest of her friends. Guess it’s true what they say: you become who you hang around, eventually. It was just… I hated being wrong about her because I had always fancied her. Since she first appeared at college, the previous year, she had caught my eye.  
Not that she used to speak to me or giving much attention, there was just something special about her. God only knows how many times I had dreamed about her since then.  
But that was all in the past now. She was just a regular girl like everyone else. Taking the piss out of poor Romeo. God, I hated that nickname. Those who had given it to me probably never even read Shakespeare.

“Finn, come on! It’s bloody 7.30.” My dad was still screaming from down the stairs. He didn’t say anything when I first got home the night before but I knew he was upset and a little worried about me. I hated to let him down. Since my mum had abandoned us when I was little, we had been just him, me and my nan. Unfortunately she had left us way too soon the previous year so, it was just him and me really. He dedicated his life to me and I just wanted to give him something in return. That was why I endured with the bullies at school. For him.

“Almost ready dad, don’t you worry.”

“Everything’s alright son? Anything you wanna tell me?” Even if we had always been pretty close, I didn’t exactly like talking about my life with him. If only my nan could have been still there, I could have just turned to her. But the reality was that, if she was still alive I probably wouldn’t have become what I am now: a coward.  
The reason why I didn’t have friends anymore, the reason why I was always reading books and listening to music, was because since she had died, I didn’t really want to hang around like I used to. My, so called ‘friends’, started going out on their own and, when I got a little better, they were all happy without me. I had never thought they were the best gang ever but still, they were my friends. I had known them since forever and I couldn’t believe they couldn’t stick around for me. Even my girlfriend, April. She decided I was too sensitive and she needed a real man. A real man. She was fucking 16, how could she want to be with a man? Next thing I knew, she was dating my so called best friend Max and, that was when I realized they had been together behind my back for over a year.  
Since then, I never really wanted to have friends, because of them. Because of how they had let me down, the pain was too much to handle and I couldn’t exactly get attached to someone else and risking being deceived, again. 

“Everything’s fine dad, I just didn’t get much sleep last night, that’s all.”

“Told you not to go to sleep at 9,30.”

“I should just listen to you, I guess. You always know what’s best for me.” He grinned at me, knowing I was clearly teasing and pointed at the door with his index, showing me, not so kindly, I had to leave or I would be late. 

There was one thing, truth to be told, that I love about going to college every morning, and that would be my motorbike. I loved driving my beautiful and perfect Zephyr 750, in all its glory. It used to be quite popular in the ’90 and since my father used to be in love with motorbikes, he decided to buy himself one. God bless him. Now that’s 2015 everyone looks at me like I’m some creep with an old bike but, I don’t care. She’s a beauty to me and once my father allowed me to have it, I used it, non-stop, for a like a month. Now I basically use it to go to college because I prefer walking than driving but still, I love it and I love my routine mornings.  
When I am at college I hide it far away from the building or else those pricks could just throw it away just because it’s mine and I can’t risk ruining her. No one seems to appreciate the beauty in the old things and I find it quite stupid. But, since all the people that go to college are either dumb or worthless, I don’t mind. 

“Here we go, Finn, second day of college. You can do this. You just need to endure.” I felt stupid repeating myself that sentence every morning but I found it very reassuring. It helped me going through the day and I didn’t even know why. It felt like something that had to be done.  
I was almost inside when someone put his hand on my shoulder, trying to stop me from walking. Not someone. Her. Rachel Earl. 

“Finny boy, couldn’t you hear I was calling out for you earlier?” I honestly couldn’t bother any less about people in college, so I just put my headphones on and kept walking trying not to piss anyone off, involuntarily. And certainly, I didn’t want to hear from her, miss perfection, so I just shrugged and kept on going. I didn’t even want to face her after the prank she had put me through but she didn’t like being rejected.  
“Hey, I’m talking to you. The least you could do is say ‘hi’.” Was she real about this? How could she think I wanted to say something other than ‘fuck you’?

“Hi.”

“You’re not upset about last night, are you?”

“Why would I be?”

“Okay, good. I know Liam must have told you how sorry I was but still, I wanted to apologize face to face.” What was she on about? Liam should have said sorry for her? Like seeing that dick apologizing to my face was even remotely possible. 

“I don’t know what you’re talking about. Honestly, I just wanna get to my class, so, if you don’t mind…” I raised my eyebrows at her, trying to make her understand she had to clear the way but she was standing there, not moving of an inch.

“If you’re not upset about that, than why are you acting like this?”

“Look, I know I shouldn’t be upset about that, you’re just like everyone else in this fucking college but, see, I thought you were different. But, don’t you worry, I’ll get over it.” I wasn’t exactly sure my words spoke out of honesty but, what I was sure of, was that I had to get over that girl. And fast.

“I’m sorry… I don’t think I got this right, are you mad at me now?” She couldn’t be serious. This girl could drive me nuts in a second. Why did I let her have so much weight over me? It wasn’t like we were friends or more. She seemed honestly confused, though. She probably had said to that fucking boyfriend of hers that she couldn’t reach the pub for some reason and to apologize on her behalf to me, but, obviously, he didn’t say a word to me. Or maybe, I was just trying to come up with an excuse for her, because I liked her that much.

“Look, it’s really no big deal. I thought you were something you’re not. My mistake. Won’t happen again.” I was making my way towards the class when she stopped me again, bumping into my face that wonderful body of hers. I wanted to slowly die over her magnificence. 

“You’re not going anywhere. Why are you mad at me?”

“Why do you think? You didn’t show up last night and I had to stand there watching your boyfriend taking the piss out of me.” I didn’t want to sound like a victim but, that was the truth.

“I tried to reach out on you, I searched for you on Facebook, because I don’t have your phone number, but it’s like you’re invisible on Internet.” She had her point, I wasn’t on Facebook, or Twitter or whatever weird social network everyone was a part of.  
“So, since I knew the gang was going to be at the pub, I told Liam to tell you I couldn’t be there because my dog was ill and I was home alone. I told him to tell you I was sorry and that I wasn’t bailing on you, but now that I think about it, that was stupid of me. I know how much Liam dislikes you and I should have known he wasn’t going to tell you any of this.” I was standing there, mouth open in shock. I knew, deep down, I couldn’t have been that wrong about her, but this was beyond me. Why was her boyfriend that piece of a shit? He always hated me since first year, when I was popular and he was a loner but then, things changed around and now, he was the popular one, with the fit girlfriend, and I was… I was nothing.  
Still, I couldn’t cope with the fact that he was such a dickhead and I was dying to know when she was going to give him a lesson about this.

“I am… I am sorry. I didn’t know.”

“What did Liam tell you?”

“Just that I couldn’t sit with them because there was no chance that I was waiting for you. He couldn’t believe you asked me to meet the lads at the pub.”

“Look, I know my boyfriend can be hard sometimes but I think he just got jealous. Still, I’m going to give him a few words about this.” Liam Harold jealous of me? Why would he be jealous of me? He’s the kind of guy everyone wants to be around. And I am the one everyone avoids like the plague. 

“I don’t think he’s jealous, I just think he’s a dickhead.” Did I just call her boyfriend ‘dickhead’ in front of her? Great way to start a friendship out Nelson, you are brilliant.  
“Sorry, I didn’t mean to call him that way.” She didn’t seem upset about that. She was, in fact, having a laugh. I loved to hear her laugh. Her laugh was like a sweet lullaby and, at the same time, it was the most sexy thing I had ever heard.

“It’s fine, really. He can be a dickhead sometimes. But he was jealous, trust me. He found out that you and I have lots in common and, last night, he was upset about the fact that we’re doing the play together.”

“What play?”

“The Romeo and Juliet play. You know the one that college organizes.” I had never been on a play before so why was she thinking I was a part of that? Acting? Definitely not my turf.

“I’m not doing the play, Rae, where did you hear that?” A look of disappointment was written all over her face. 

“I’m sorry, I just thought, since it’s Shakespeare and it’s your favorite book, I thought you were in.”

“No, I’m not. I wouldn’t like people making fun of me more than they already do.”

“If you’re not doing it because of them, I’ll tell the director of the play that you’re in: they don’t get to decide what you do or don’t do. It’s your life, Finn.” I could swear she was transferring a bit of her confidence over me because I felt a sparkle in that moment, something was invading my body and my brain. Or maybe it was just the fact that she put her hand on my shoulder, cheering me up.

“And what should I play?”

“You could be Romeo, the spot is still available.”

“Are you serious? The play is Romeo and Juliet and they don’t have a Romeo, yet?” She shrugged and nodded in assent. In that brief moment, I thought that if Rae was Juliet I could be her Romeo. Even if it was just for the play.

“You know what? I think I’ll try that out. Do you know who’s playing my beautiful partner?” She blushed and gave me a small, soft smile. And I already knew.

“That would be me. I hope I can live up to your Juliet’s standards.” If she only knew how perfect she was to play the most amazing character in the history of characters. For once, college didn’t suck. And it was because of her.

“I think I’ll have to get used to it.”

“Well, they’ll have to give you the part first. Then, you can complain. I’m gonna go now, I have to prepare for the big night.” What if it was her birthday and I didn’t even tell her ‘happy birthday’? In my defense, how could I know?

“Oh, sure. Happy birthday then…”

“Don’t be silly, my birthday is in December. I have to prepare the gym for the party, you know, the welcoming party that we have every year for the new students?” Of course, the welcoming party. I usually didn’t bother about that kind of stuff but now that she mentioned it and that I knew she was going to be there, how could I not go?

“Oh right, the party. I’ll see you there then, I guess.”

“Yep, and don’t forget the auditions. 4 PM, This afternoon. Don’t be late Finny boy.” She gave me a big smile and then turned around doing a twirl. She was the most beautiful girl I had ever seen, I couldn’t even start to describe how perfect she was. Just this morning I had thought the worst of her when, in reality, it was all Liam’s fault. I wished this could tear them apart but I wasn’t really counting on it. Since they were together I had never seen them fight over anything. Every time she told him not to be mean at the other guys, she told him fiercely but you could hear in her tone a little bit of softness, so it wasn’t actually a reproach. So why would it be different this time?

_______________________

Days at college always lasted way too long for me but, today, wasn’t one of them. I was looking forward to the audition. I hoped the director was going to ask me to do a scene with my Juliet and, with us on stage together, I was hoping she would have understand we are a prefect match. More than Liam and her for sure.  
Sitting there, I was praying for her to show up but, there was no sign of her. By the time the director called me, she was still MIA. Why did I ever think she was going to show up and support me? We clearly weren’t that close.

“So, Mr. Nelson, do you have a favorite scene, you would like for us to hear?”

“Uhm, yeah. Would it be okay if I did the Mercutio’s monologue? The one about Queen Mab? Because, I’m here to play Romeo so, if there’s a problem I can just play him.” The staff was staring at me, wondering if I was joking or not.

“Sure, you can do whatever pleases you the most.” It was weird but I didn’t feel any panic attack coming to swallow me over. I was pretty confident on that stage and it was a totally new sensation. I’d never felt confident at college. Not once. I just reached the center of the stage and I started reciting, the image of Rachel Earl popping in my head while I was speaking.

“O, then I see Queen Mab hath been with you. She is the fairies' midwife, and she comes in shape no bigger than an agate stone on the forefinger of an alderman, drawn with a team of little atomies. Over men's noses as they lie asleep; her wagon spokes made of long spinners' legs, the cover, of the wings of grasshoppers; her traces, of the smallest spider web; her collars, of the moonshine's wat'ry beams; her whip, of cricket's bone; the lash, of film; her wagoner, a small grey-coated gnat, not half so big as a round little worm pricked from the lazy finger of a maid; her chariot is an empty hazelnut, made by the joiner squirrel or old grub, time out o' mind the fairies' coachmakers. And in this state she gallops night by night, through lovers' brains, and then they dream of love.” 

I was definitely going to recite it all but the director was sitting in his armchair, mouth open. He was gazing. A small smile covered my face and I knew it was enough. The part was mine.

“Son, what’s your name again?”

“It’s Finn Nelson, professor.”

“Nah, I think it’s Mercutio Montague, you were brilliant.” I was thrilled that he enjoyed the monologue but I was terribly afraid he was going to assign me the role of Mercutio. Despite the fact that I loved him very much, Romeo was the lead, and I wanted to be on the scene with Rae all the time.  
“Anyway, although I thought about giving you the role of Mercutio, you outer look is more of a Romeo, so I guess the part is yours, congratulations.”

“Thank you, thank you very much.” I was trying to contain the joy but it was bloody difficult. I just wished Rae could be there. Since I had seen her personating Juliet I wanted to recite a dialogue with her and now it was possible. This would have been one hell of a last year for me. 

“Your Juliet was right, Mr. Nelson.”

“I’m sorry what?”

“The lovely lady that plays Juliet Capulet with you, Rachel Earl. She recommended you to us instead of the other guy we had already picked out.” Although I was happy, Rachel thought that much of me, she had said that the spot was available. Why lying about it?

“Who was the other guy sir?”

“Ehm… Liam something, I don’t remember the last name, sorry.” Great. Now Liam had something else to hate about me. All that story didn’t make bloody sense. Why would she prefer a stranger to her boyfriend to play her lover? Surely, Liam could not play Romeo and giving him much justice but he was still her boyfriend. He’s going to be so pissed about this. 

I said my goodbyes and thanked once more the director and went out. The outside of college was desert and for once I didn’t feel trapped in there. It was just a school, just a building and I could look at it without feeling the… WHAT THE FUCK?  
My thoughts had been abruptly interrupted by someone punching me right to my face. 

“You should know Romeo, you have to watch where you’re going.” Fucking Liam Harold was standing there, watching me covered in blood by the punch he had reserved me. He had always been a prick but he had never gave me a blow. He was obviously pissed about the audition but there was no need to act like that.  
“You think you can just take your life back, don’t you?” He gave me a kick in my stomach and I didn’t know why I didn’t react right away. Guess the pain was too much.  
“She is my girlfriend, you’re not going to have her. She’s too perfect to be with you.” He kept kicking me and I started feeling dizzy. I thought I was going to faint out of pain when I heard a familiar voice coming over us.

“What the hell are you doing Liam? Stop it, NOW!” Rae was standing in front of me and all I could see of her was her feet. I wished I could see her face once more. Just once more before passing out.  
“NOW LIAM!” She was still shouting, clearly terrified and I hated that she felt like that. I wish I could just stand up and pick her in my arms, telling her that I was fine but I couldn’t move. Somehow she managed to make him stop and I started seeing more of her body and finally her face. She was doing on her knees trying to talk to me.  
“Finn, Finn can you hear me? Are you okay?” I tried with everything in me to tell her ‘yes’ but all I could do was just nodding.  
“I’m gonna get you to the hospital now, don’t worry about it. You’ll be fine.” 

I didn’t want to go to the hospital but that seemed the right thing to do. I probably had some concussion or a broken rib, maybe in plural, and I needed to see a doctor. I could already see the worried look on my father’s face.  
“Come on Liam, help me out. We’ve to get him in the car.”  
I didn’t want him to touch me anymore but there was no way Rae could just bring me to the car by herself. So I just had to endure the fact that ass-face was bringing me to the hospital.  
Last thing I know, I heard the engine of the car running and I saw Rae’s face, right before passing out.

____________________

“Finn? Finn can you hear me son?” My head was banging like someone was throwing an hammer on it but I could clearly see my father’s face, standing in front of me. Rae was right behind him. No sign of Liam for god’s sake. 

“I’m fine dad, don’t worry about me.”

“If that was even possible. How are you?”

“I have a little headache but I’m fine, honest.” I didn’t want him to worry but I was feeling like a shit. It was like someone had ran me over. All I wanted to do was asking Rae how she was. I could still hear in the back of my mind, her terrified voice.  
“Dad, could you please wait outside, I’d like a word with the girl who saved my life.” He just nodded and watched over to Rae, telling her to come closer. Once he was out she burst into tears and held my hand. I thought I died because that felt like heaven but every bone in me hurt like a bitch.

“I’m really sorry about everything Finn. It was all my fault.”

“Hey, it’s fine, really. And it wasn’t your fault, although you could have told me that Liam had got the part already.” I tried to smile but it was bloody hard and painful.

“I know, I’m so sorry. It’s just, I thought you could use some of the visibility that the stage gives you. You know so that people could see how great you really are and stop taking the piss.” Her words hit me more than Liam’s kicking. She didn’t want me there because she thought I was good enough. I was just a charity work to her.

“I don’t care about what people think about me, I said yes to the part because you asked me, not everyone else. Because I thought you wanted me there with you, instead of Liam.”

“Liam is my boyfriend Finn.”

“So what? The fact that he kicked me like an animal is not enough for you to see what kind of guy he actually is?”

“I told you this morning, he’s just jealous.”

“Are you serious? Are you still defending him after this? How can you love the guy?” I couldn’t understand what a girl like her could see in him but, since she hadn’t shown the slightest interest in leaving him after what he just did, I had figured out that maybe they deserved each other. Maybe they were more alike than I thought.

“Look, I’m really sorry about what he did to you, believe me, I am, I’ll talk to him and he’ll apologize.”

“I don’t want his fucking apologize, I don’t want to see him ever again. Tell him to stay away from me or next time he’ll be the one ending up in the hospital.” Rae just stood there, nodding and sobbing. I thought she was going to cry again in a second. I had never seen her so worried about someone. She wasn’t the confident Rachel Earl I had known. She was just a scared, little, innocent girl. She was probably too scared of Liam to breaking up with him after what she had witnessed.  
“Rae, I am fine, really. No need to be scared about anything. I’m not gonna die.” She gave me small smile and erased tears from her cheek. I wished I could just hug her and gave her a bit of relief, but we weren’t that close. 

“I’m glad you’re fine, I really am. I hope you’ll stay in the play, besides what Liam has done.”

“You know someone very wise told me that people can’t decide what I do and what I don’t do.” She smiled. A real smile. Not compassion, not a real laugh. Just a smile.  
“I’ll be there Rae. And, truth to be told, I am quite good at it.”

“I know, I heard you.”

“You did?”

“Yeah, I was hiding, I didn’t want you to see me. You were brilliant. Were you thinking about someone in particular, while acting?”

“Why do you say that?”

“Because it seemed like it. That girl is very lucky. You love her very much.” And that’s when it hit me. I was in love with Rachel Earl. If only I could tell her I was thinking about her and we could just forget all about Liam, we could have been happy together. Because she was damn right: I already loved her, and it took me only one day. Or maybe I had always loved her, since when she first arrived at college and I just hadn’t realized it, until now.

“No girl in particular, I don’t have a girlfriend.”

“That’s a shame!”

“Why is that?”

“Because you’re a good and kind guy, any girl would be lucky to have you.” Anyone but you.

"Thanks Rae." 

"No worries. Right, now that I'm sure you'll be fine, I'm gonna go. Lots of things to do before the party tomorrow. Do you think you'll be there?"

"If they let me out, I will." She squeezed my hand and gave a quick kiss on the cheek. I was definitely on my way to that freaking ball.  
"Save me a dance, will ya?"

"I'll see what I can do Finny boy. Get some rest, now." She opened the door and left, giving me a last smirk. She was the most beautiful perfect woman that had ever walked the Earth, and she had bothered getting to know me. All I had to do now was making her fall in love with me. Like if that was an easy task.


	3. Chapter 3

I was definitely too far away from her but I could see her from the distance. She was standing there, laughing and dancing in all her gloriousness and her sexy black vest. I had always admired the way she could make me tremble just by walking but, in that moment, I wasn’t trembling, I was steady and sure of us. Together we could have faced everything and, by the look she gave me once she had spotted me, I knew she thought the same.   
With her usual confidence, Rae was now walking towards me. She was so damn beautiful, sometimes it hurt me to look at her for a long time. The music was so loud I couldn’t hear a thing she was saying, so she just took my hand in hers and we moved together to the dance floor. Everyone was staring at us, I was so lucky to have her by my side. My heart was racing and once she came closer to put her lips onto mine…

“Son, are you awake?” My dad had just walked into the hospital room, closing the door with too much emphasis. It was just a dream, only a fucking dream. The dancing part, the music, Rae herself. It had been just a dream. 

“I am now, thank you very much.” He mouthed ‘sorry’ and it sounded almost like a whisper. What was the point in talking quietly when he had already woken me up? If I was in a better shape I would have told him to come back later, so that I could just finish my dream, but I was in no circumstances to argue and neither was he.  
“Did you spend the night here?”

“Yeah, but I’m fine. Your friend kept me company for a bit.”

“Which friend?”

“April Donovan, I think you two dated for a while.” What was April doing there? It had been almost a year since she had broken up with me and cheated on me with my best friend and now, what? She thought she could just show up whenever she preferred?

“What did she want?”

“Apparently she’s transferring to your college and she heard about the accident. She arrived right after the other girl left.”

“The other girl, you mean Rae?” My dad looked at me suspiciously, he could already tell that I fancied Rae. It was clear to everyone but her.

“Right, Rae. What’s up with you and her, son? She seems nice.”

“Nothing’s up. She has a boyfriend, the one who hit me.” It gave me the creeps to think that she didn’t even consider breaking up with Liam, after what he did to me. It wasn’t like I was dead or something but still, the guy was an animal. The bare thought of his hands on her were haunting me in my dreams. Well, those and Rae herself. 

“I thought the guy who hit you was Liam, the one who was with Rae here, last night.”

“Yeah he’s the one.”

“He’s not her boyfriend, Finn. I saw those two together, they were everything but a couple.” Every time I spotted them at college they were always holding hands, sharing kisses and laughing. Of course, he was her boyfriend. Plus, if I could have had any doubt before, she had whipped it away the day before. My dad was simply wrong. He was so ‘old’ he probably forgot what couples look like nowadays. 

“Whatever dad, I don’t want to talk about that jerk. On the other hand, have you seen my phone? I can’t find it anywhere.”

“Yeah, I took it last night because it kept ringing and you needed a good night sleep.” He put his hand in his pocket and give it back. I couldn’t believe there were people who were actually worried about me, when did I ever got that many friends?  
7 messages and one lost call. One was from April and the other six were from an unknown number. 

*Your dad said I could come in but I wasn’t sure you wanted to see me after all. I hope you’ll get better soon. XXX*

Typical April. Always calling the shots about what I want and don’t want. This time, though, she had been right: I would’ve never let her in. Not for even a second. 

*I asked your father to give me your number, hope it’s alright. :)*  
*Oh, I’m Rae, btw.*

What the…? I was reading the messages for the fourth time, I couldn’t believe this. Rae had asked my father for my number? Why? Was she trying to piss her boyfriend off even more or was she just leading me on? 

*I hope you can make it to the party tonight, I might be able to save you that dance, after all.*

That message was saying everything and nothing but I decided to feel lucky for once. ‘I might be able to save you that dance, after all.’ Did she meant she broke up with Liam, in the end? Did she come to her senses and realized what a dickhead Liam really was? Or was I just letting my mind flying through magical places like I did in that dream? Too many questions for a person who had recently been knocked to the ground.

*My friend Archie is handling the music. He’s world-class, I think you’ll like it.*  
*I don’t know with type of music do you like best, but under no circumstances we will dance on Justin Bieber or One Direction. No chance Nelson.*

I couldn’t do anything but laugh at the thought of Rae and I dancing under Justin Bieber. All the girls of her age loved that guy but really, how could they call that music? It was just noise. And a bad one.

*I’m gonna stop with the messages now and letting you sleep. Which you’re probably already doing since you haven’t answered me once. Anyway… night Finny boy. Get well soon*

The last message had been sent at 3.45 AM. She had been up texting me and I was sleeping and dreaming of her. We had been connected without even noticing it. Since college had started again, nothing changed much in my life besides from Rae. I had always wanted her to notice me since she first came to college the previous year but she was way too, well too everything for me. The first thing I had noticed about her, was her smile. She could have light up the all town with that smile. Oh God, why do I sound like bloody One Direction? She makes go that crazy that I start quoting lame lyrics. Not to mention the fact that she always calls me ‘Finny boy’. It’s sweet and sexy at the same time. And the way she says it; she uses to bit her lower lip while saying the first letter and every time she bites it I wish I could tell her ‘stop biting your lip, you give me a boner every time you do that’. But I never do that; confidence is not really my thing.   
The lost call was also from Rae. She was probably worried on why I hadn’t been in touch in such long time.

“Dad, when do you think they’ll let me out?” I had to go to that fucking party at college.

“The nurse said you can leave tomorrow morning.”

“No, I have to leave now. I have something to do. It’s really important.” There was no way I was going to let the chance of keeping Rae Earl close to me while dancing, slip through my fingers. I had to get out, whether the doctors agreed or not.

“Finn, you might have a concussion, you really should stay in bed today.”

“Dad, I don’t care, I have to go.” My dad always knew when there was no point in arguing with me. If I wanted something I was used to get it and in that moment, all I cared about was seeing Rae. A dream was nothing compared to the actual sight of her, a dream should make things and people look better while she was the one who didn’t need to be dreamed of. She was that kind of perfection to me.

“You should let her know then.”

“What?”

“The girl, you should let her know that you like her.” He gave me a soft smile and left the room so that I could get dressed. My dad was right, I needed to let her know how precious she was to me. Ass-face didn’t deserve her and I had to prove that, even if that meant getting another punch in my stomach. She needed to realize for herself that she could do so much better than him and if that wasn’t me, it could have been okay anyway. I just felt like I had to rescue her from Liam. A little like Romeo’s love for Juliet saves her from marrying Count Paris and creates one of the most wonderful love stories ever written.

*So sorry, my dad took the phone away. Can’t promise I’ll be there tonight, head’s still banging. Let you know later…* 

I had the entire afternoon to get home, change and show up to the party at college. I hoped, once she got the message, that we could go on texting all afternoon, after all that was why I had said I wasn’t sure about going or not, but she was probably too busy with the party to mind me; after three hours there was still radio silence from her. 

I was happy to be in my room again. The only place I’d ever felt really safe from everything. Even when things where different for me, when I was considered one of the cool guys, thank God those times were over, my room was the only place that made me feel comfortable and understood. There were my books, my music, and all my personal stuff. By laying on my bed I could see my old guitar, resting against the wall. It had been a year or so since I had played for the last time. My nan used to love hearing me playing it but, since she had died, I had never touched it again.  
I still remember the smile on her face when she heard me playing for the first time, I think I was 10 maybe. She had this light in her eyes and she was deeply happy that I had found an interest outside football. At first, I thought it was lame but then, once I learned how to play, I found it very relaxing and inspiring. Music kinda saved my life.

“Finn, I thought you needed to go to that party at college.” My father, as usual, came rushing into my room, waking me up from a deep sleep. Fortunately, no Rae this time, otherwise he would have answered to me.

“What are you on about?” And then, it hit me like a high speed train. The fucking party.  
“Oh God, when did I fall asleep? Why didn’t you wake me up earlier? What time is it?”

“I didn’t realize you were sleeping. It’s 9.40 PM.” WHAT? The party had already started and I was so fucking late. I couldn’t have even a shower, I needed to get dressed and get out. Oh God, what if Rae was there, waiting for me to show up and I was home sleeping? That Liam is going to get what he deserves from knocking me out all day long. 

I had thought about getting all dressed up, this actually was my chance to conquer Rae but, once I realized I was that late, I picked up the first pair of jeans and a white shirt I could find in the closet. I wasn’t looking exactly great but there was nothing that could cover the big bruise on my face. My head was still hurting like a bitch but it didn’t really matter at that point; all of my thoughts were on Rae and on how beautiful she was going to look that night. The dream had helped me a little in a certain way but I couldn’t exactly picture her in my head because it was fading. 

The college, seemed a little like a disco, at that time of the night. Rae and her friends were in charge of the decorations and from what I could see from the outside, they did a good job. College seemed even decent that night. While walking through the hallway a bunch of people stopped me and asked how was I doing. I mean, you never spoke to me in three years so, why do you care?   
Some of them seemed genuinely caring, others were just probably taking the piss. I hated myself for not standing up to Liam while he was beating me up.

“Yo, Nelson, wait up.” A guy was calling me from behind. It was ass-face, fantastic. There was no way this time I was going down without a fight.

“Oh, so you do know my name. What the hell do you want?”

“I wanted to apologize for yesterday.” Was it possible that I was facing a hearing problem, too? Maybe the knobhead had done some serious damage because I could have swore that Liam Harold was apologizing to me. 

“I’m sorry, you what?”

“You heard me. Anyway, I didn’t do much damage, you’re already back.” Oh yes, there he was. He was probably apologizing just because Rae asked him to. 

“You can shove your apology right up your ass.” He clearly wasn’t used to get that kind of answer but I couldn’t care less. I was so close to the ball room that I thought I could see Rae already. And he wasn’t going to keep me away from her for much longer.  
I tried to make my way through people; I thought I had to look around for her forever, there was so much noise and smoke, I could barely see anything, when, all of a sudden, I spotted a girl with a short red skirt. There she was: Rachel Earl in all her gloriousness. It was just like the dream, everything was perfectly the same, besides the fact that we weren’t a couple and she wasn’t wearing a black vest. She had on a black leather top, the red skirt, black tights and a pair of red Converse. She could be so stylish and comfortable at the same time. Every time I looked at her she looked like a goddess. Her hair was long and sided on her right shoulder. She was on the DJ spot with Archie once she finally spotted me among the crowd. I couldn’t help but swallow. She waved her hand and gave me a big smile; she seemed happy to see me. Then she gave a kiss on the cheek to her friend and came down. Every guy was literally drooling over her perfect body but she seemed to care only about me.

“I can’t believe you finally made it. I had almost lost hope.” She hugged me softly and I could smell her scent. I wished that moment could last forever.

“Yeah well, I had to get myself out of bed but someone promised me a dance so, how could I say no?” She smirked at me and crunched her nose. She was perfect and she didn’t even know how much; that was probably what made her even more special to me.

“I think you’ll get more than a dance with me tonight Nelson. You smell of CK One. Who are trying to win over?” I didn’t even remember putting perfume on me. It was something I used to do as an habit and she had smelled it and liked it.

“Oh, don’t try and change the subject Earl. You promised a dance so I’m here to recollect. Next song your friend Archie puts on, you’ll dance with me.”

“Fine Nelson, but it’d better be nothing crappy or I’ll leave you at the center of the room, all by yourself.” She was such a teaser and I thought I could get used to that. She made me comfortable even in a room filled with people that despised me. Probably because once she was in the room, no one else mattered that much.

“Alright everyone, let’s get back in time. Be ready to dance on Babylon Zoo’s ‘Spaceman’.” I was so pleased Archie had good taste in music, I used to love good old music and ‘Spaceman’ was one of those. I offered Rae my hand but she seemed upset.

“We’re not going to dance on this shit.”

“Why? What’s wrong with Spaceman?”

“Ehm… everything. Why, you like it?”

“Well, yeah, it’s not bad.” She was looking at me in shock but I could see from her eyes she wasn’t actually pissed off. She was kidding and teasing as usual. 

“I’m gonna go over there and tell him to turn that shit off.” I really didn’t want her to leave and besides we were almost through the entire song.

“Or we could just wait for the next one. I’m sure it’ll be good.”

“Fine, but if it’s Backstreet Boys I’m out of here. I already had to go through Spice Girls and fucking Ariana Grande before you arrived. You saved yourself a lot of pain, trust me.” I couldn’t believe we had that much in common and we had never spoke before. We were in the same college since the previous year but she never seemed to mind me until two days ago and I was pretty sure good taste in music wasn’t the only thing we shared. We could have been atomic together.

“Now, let’s get back to our times. If you’re here with your special one, be ready: this one will melt your hearts. It’s ‘Arms’ by Christina Perri.” If I didn’t have Rae in front of me, I could have walked over to Archie to kiss him for that song. ‘Arms’ was the sweetest and most perfect choice he could have come up with in that moment. And it was a slow dance, so we really had to be close.   
Rae was a little frightened by that song, and who could blame her, she had a boyfriend and she was about to dance to a love song with me, but this was show time and I had to let her know how great she was to me.

“You can’t say this isn’t a good song, Earl. Come on, dance with me.” She nodded and smiled at me putting her arms around my neck and mine on her waist. She tried to keep a little bit of distance between our bodies but I closed the gap as soon as I got the chance. She kept avoiding my look and, in the end, she decided to rest her head on my shoulder. It was so intimate and special, the best time of my life for sure.

 

…I never thought that you would be the one to hold my heart  
But you came around and you knocked me off the ground from the start  
You put your arms around me and I believe that it’s easier for you to let me go…  
You put your arms around me and I’m home…

 

I could feel her shaking a little but she didn’t seem to want me to move away. It was like the world had stopped spinning and we were just blocked in that perfect moment. I wished I could be bold enough to look her in the eyes and kiss her, softly, deeply, passionately. The truth was that I knew she had a boyfriend and no matter how bad he was for her, I had been cheated on and I had been so bad about it for months that I couldn’t do it to someone else. Not even to ass-face. If she was feeling what I was feeling, she would have known what to do.

 

… I hope that you see right through my walls  
I hope that you catch me ‘cause I’m already falling  
I’ll never let our love get so close  
You put your arms around me and I’m home…

 

While our chests collided I could feel her heart pumping faster than usual and, if I knew her a little like I thought I did, she was going to slip away from my fingers really soon. This situation was becoming too much but, as much as I wanted to make her feel comfortable around me, the most important part of the song was coming up and I couldn’t let her get away before that so I just pushed a little further away and she suddenly looked at me, with her shining brown eyes. She was so stunning under the neon light. I smiled at her and made her turning and dancing like it was a pop or a disco song. She was relaxing a little, this was so much less intimate than before, we were just two friends dancing but once that part of the song was close enough, I suddenly kept her close like before, hands entwined behind her back, eyes gazing on each other's faces and I automatically mimed the lyrics song to her.

 

…I try my best to never let you in to see the truth  
And I’ve never opened up  
I’ve never truly loved until you put your arms around me...

 

She was staring at me in shock, not sure on what to say next and I couldn’t believe how much confidence this girl was giving me. I would have never been this brave if it hadn’t be for her. I wanted to show her that with me she could feel safe because I loved her that much. The love I felt for her was something I had never felt for anyone else. She inspired me. She was my muse.

“What the hell is going on here?” Liam was standing right in front us, comprehensibly pissed off about his girlfriend dancing so intimate with someone else.

“Nothing, we’re just dancing, that’s all.” She shrugged and got away from me as soon as she could. Now that I had held her in my arms it was painful not being able to touch her again. 

“It didn’t seems like it, you never dance with me like that. Is this why you wanted me to apologize to him? So you two could sneak off somewhere?”

“Don’t talk to her like that mate.”

“You stay out of this Nelson, it’s none of your business.” He was kinda right but I hated to see her so upset. I had never seen her as a fragile person and I had put her in that position. I knew she had felt the same as I did, but she couldn’t exactly admitting it in front of everyone who was staring at us.

“You’re right Liam, I’m sorry.” Wait, was she really going through with this? I always knew she was brave but this was something else. She was facing me now, visibly scared but she knew she had to say it.  
“Finn I think you should go now, please.” She was begging me, saying one thing with her mouth and the total opposite with her eyes. She was choosing him over me. 

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah, I am. We’re friends, Liam is right, we shouldn’t have danced like that.” Friends? She was in that dance with me, just as much as I was. Why was she giving up on us so easily? 

“You know, most of the times I don’t understand you. Can we go outside and talk for a second?” Maybe if we could have been alone I could have understood what was really going on.

“No, I don’t think that’s possible.”

“Oh, I get it now. Your boyfriend takes the shit out of me and you offer to dance with me so that I don’t press charges, is that it?” I knew this wasn’t the case but I was so pissed at her in that moment.

“I’m really sorry Finn. I really am.” 

“Not as sorry as I am for getting out of bed tonight to get to this bloody and pathetic party.” Everyone was still staring at us but I didn’t give a crap. I made my way towards the exit and to the bike. I just wanted to forget all about her and her stupid boyfriend. She was no one to make me feel like that. No one.

“Finn wait…” Rae was running over me, her breath caught up in her throat and her hair flushing over her face. How could she be that beautiful while running?

“I don’t wanna hear it Rae, I just want to go home.”

“Can we take a ride?”

“You just said I needed to go home and now you wanna come with me?” Was this girl trying to make me go crazy or what?

“I just need to talk to you, please.”

“I’m not taking you anywhere, you can talk here if you must.”

“Seems fair, after what I just did. Nice bike by the way, is it yours?”

“I don’t give a fuck about my bike, what do you want?” Rae was standing there, in front of me, quietly sobbing. No, she was talking, no she was… I couldn’t really understand what she was doing.

“Liam is my boyfriend okay? He’s been there for me on so many levels and I can’t just making a fool out of him in front of everyone can I?” I really didn’t want to hear the love story of Rae and Liam but I just nodded, knowing I sort of had to listen.  
“That dance that we had before, it was… it was wrong.”

“No, it wasn’t.”

“Let me finish. It was wrong on so many levels, mainly because I have a boyfriend but… it didn’t feel wrong. I don’t know how to explain it, really.”

“You don’t have to, I get it. Same thing happened to me right in the middle of the dancing. I wanted to keep you close but at the same time I didn’t want to do Liam a wrong.”

“Liam is not your friend though.”

“No, but he’s a person. Even if he’s a dickhead.” She smiled and looked down. The temperature was rising around us, the electricity and the chemistry were undeniable and once she found some bravery inside of her and closed the gap between us, by placing a small kiss at the corner of my mouth, everything became suddenly way too much hotter. I wanted to kiss her properly on her lips but I knew she didn’t want that. I couldn’t understand why, if she did have those feeling for me, she had decided to stay with Liam.   
Once she pulled away, she raised her eyes at me, whispering against my mouth. I couldn’t resist much longer the want I had inside towards her.

“You really are a good person Nelson, I knew I wasn’t wrong about you.” She placed her lips near against mine again and walked away, returning to college.

I was about to leave, after standing two of three minutes outside the building, trying to calm myself down, when I got a text from her. My heart started racing, and it was just a simple text.

 

*I’ve had a great time tonight, you’re something else Finny boy.*

*It was surreal. You really are one of a kind, Earl. Enjoy the rest of the party.*

*I would if someone was still here.*

 

I was already taking off my helmet when she texted me again.

 

*That was not an invitation. Go home Nelson. I’ll see you tomorrow.*

*You know how to tease a man, don’t you Rae?*

*You have no idea…*

*I think I do…*

*Talking about tonight? That was NOTHING! ;)*

*I really wanted to kiss you tonight, you know that?* Why did I ever write that? She has a fucking boyfriend!

*Next time you want something so bad, take it without asking.*

 

Rachel Earl was the kind of girl that could send you over the moon with just a text message. She was the kind of girl I was expecting since forever. It didn’t matter if I had have to wait for a while to be with her. She was worth the wait.


	4. Chapter 4

It had been one week since I had gone to that stupid freaking college ball.  
An all week thinking about her, writing about her, even listening to fucking One Direction on the radio, made me think about her.  
Everything in that damn world I lived in, reminded me of Rae. And it wasn't just the fact that I was constantly dreaming about her every night that was driving me insane; it was mostly the fact that it had been an entire week since that almost kiss between us and I hadn't heard a single word from her.  
Not a text, not an email, I got absolutely nothing for an entire week. Plus, there was the fact that she hadn't been in college since that night and I was starting to wonder if maybe she was sick or just grossed out by me.  
She didn't want to face the only person who was despised by everyone at college with whom she had almost shared a kiss. I thought we shared a great moment but maybe she was incredibly drunk and it was, in fact, all in my head. Maybe I had dreamed about her "kissing me", maybe I had craved for her for so long that my mind decided to please me in some strange way.  
But no, fuck that; I was extremely sober, since I couldn't drink anything because of the pills, so there, I knew the truth, the only truth: we did have a special moment while dancing, we did have a special moment outside of college, and now she was indeed avoiding me.  
I needed to talk to her and make some sense into all that mess but the only one who could help me out seemed to care so little about me. How did I got her so wrong? How could I ever think that a girl like her could be really interested in someone like me? I was so fucked up, so worthless, while she was everything everyone had ever dreamed about. How could I ever imagine she would like hanging out with Romeo?  
I just needed to get her out of my head, it wasn't like her and I had shared that much, but who was I trying to convince? I was already so in love with her that it was going to be impossible for me to forget all about her, but I knew I had to give it a shot since I had in front of me another bloody annoying Wednesday in college and, as usual, I had no one to talk to. Not even her.

'Oh bloody Rae, stop thinking about her Finn! You are nobody to her and she's nobody to you. Just forget about her. Just forget about her. Life is going to be easier if you forget all about her.' I was repeating that sentence to me like a mantra when I spotted Archie Nichols just outside college, talking to some friends. He surely knew where Rae was and how she was doing, so, basically, he was the only one, besides from Rae, who could have helped me out. Project ‘forget all about Rae’ was going to fuck itself.  
While approaching to him, I saw his friends leaving, so I just rushed myself towards him before letting him entering college.  
"Hi Archie, how are you?" Jesus, I was so bad at making conversation.

"Hey Finn, everything's good, how are you? Heard about what happened, I'm so sorry, hope you're alright now though."

"Yeah, everything's good now, thanks. Listen, I was wondering if you knew anything about Rae. I haven't seen her in a while." Please, don't ask me 'why', please don't ask me 'why'. I had to come up with some sort of excuse otherwise I was going to put Rae and I in some serious trouble. 

"Um, she's fine. Why?" Here we go. Be smart Finn, be smart. And think fast.

"Nothing, you know, it's just... well... it's just that we have to rehearse for the play, you know the 'Romeo and Juliet' thing." For once in my life, I felt like a proper genius.

"Oh right, well, we have history together today so I'll tell her you asked for her, yeah?" So, she was in college and she was just avoiding me, as I suspected, or she was returning today?

"I thought she was sick or anything since she missed the entire first week..."

"What are you talking about? She has been here every day. Maybe you didn't bump into each other." Why on Earth was she avoiding me? She wanted us to have that moment, too, I knew she did. She enjoyed it as much as I did and now she was acting like a total prick. We didn't even kiss so it wasn't like she had been cheating on ass-face, so what was all that fuss about? 

"Yeah maybe. Just tell her I'm looking for her, yeah?"

"Sure thing mate. Now I really gotta go, see ya later? Maybe you can join us at the pub." I just nodded and we high-fived. Archie was such a nice bloke and I could see why Rae was so fond of him. Someone used to say they sort of dated their first year at college but I had always seen him with that other girl in their group, Chloe or something like that, and it would have been weird for them if they dated before, wouldn't it? Maybe they were just so close that it didn't matter because I could see how Rae, Archie and his alleged girlfriend came as a full package but, still, it was kind of weird to me.  
That wasn't what really troubled me though. I couldn't believe that, for an entire week, she had come to college and did everything in her power to avoid me. It was like she had planned her all week to keep a distance between us, and it looked like she had succeeded because I actually thought she was ill or something. I knew I really had to forget about her but how could I do that when I was in such a need of answers?  
I was going to my Maths class, my head filled with everything but numbers, when my phone rang.  
It was her.  
No matter the fact that I desperately wanted to read the text, I was terrified from what she might have written.

 

*What the hell were you thinking when you decided to talk to Archie about me?* Great, she was pissed. One week of radio silence and the first time she finally decides I'm worth talking to, she acts like a dickhead.

*First of, I just asked how you were doing.  
Second of, you are nobody to talk to me like that so piss off.*

*I am fine. End of.*

*What is that supposed to mean? End of what?*

*The text??* Why was she acting like a fucking knobhead, I hadn't done anything to her but being polite and extremely caring. I was so much better off without this crap. I hated girls.

*Look, I hate texting. Can we have a proper talk?*

*Don't know... I have lots to do.* There was no fucking way she was going away with this. I intended to pick up Archie's invitation and I was definitely going to the pub, later that night. No need for her to know. 

 

\------------------------

I had never been nervous about going out, either it was a pub or to a date with a girl but, that night, I was extremely doubtful about everything. What to wear, what to say and how to say it. One tiny mistake could throw everything away and I couldn't let that happen.  
Sure I was mad at her for how she had been behaving but I was so desperate about having her in my life that it was like it didn’t matter anymore.  
It was so weird what this girl could do to me: in the morning I feel irritated because she’s been acting like a total dickhead, in the afternoon I can’t stop thinking about her and, yes, I still feel a little concerned about us but it’s like it doesn’t really bother me anymore and by the end of the day I just wish for her to come knocking at my door.  
When I was in a relationship with April everything was so much easier; I was the one in control, I always knew what to do and how to do it but now everything was upside down. Rae was the one with the power and we weren’t even in a relationship. We were basically nothing but friends, and, truth to be told, I couldn’t really classify us as friends, either. We had been talking for like a week and, in the middle of all that, she had been avoiding me for most of the time so, it wasn’t like we actually had some kind of relationship at all.  
She was with ass-face and I was single. That was the truth of it.

While going down to the pub I started wondering if wearing the same shirt I had at the college ball was even a good idea but there was no way I was going back home and change myself. That shirt, mixed with CK One, was what turned her on that night and, now, I had to do everything in my power to recreate the moment.  
Standing outside the pub I could see her, sitting next to ass-face. It wasn’t a dream, this time. There was no smoke from the ball. She was just there, in all her beauty, laughing and drinking with her mates. She looked like a vision, like some kind of amazing dream I knew I was going to fantasize about, later that night.  
While walking in, I tried to make me notice by her and only her, seen as I didn’t want another punch from her boyfriend but, once she did, she looked very annoyed by my presence. What on Earth did I do to this girl to deserve such a treatment?

“Nelson, what are you doing here?” Nelson? Not even my fucking professors used to call me Nelson. I had always thought that being called by my last name was going to sound sexy and naughty but, right now, it only felt like disappointment. 

“Archie asked me to come down to the pub, hope it doesn’t bother you, Earl.” She just shrugged and started rubbing her face on Liam’s shoulder. Was she trying to make me jealous or something? Because, if that was her intention, she should have known I could play along the same game. At least I used to.  
Unfortunately no girls available at our table. 

“So, like I told you last time you were here, these are Chop and Izzy and this one over here is Chloe.” Archie pointed his index towards everyone, presenting them to me again and I suddenly realized that Chloe wasn’t his girlfriend after all.  
It wasn’t just the fact that he didn’t introduce her as his girlfriend that made me doubt that, though; it was the fact that she was clearly flirting with me since I had arrived. How did I not see that coming? 

“Again Nelson, I’m sorry for hitting you the other day.” Ass-face was just sitting there, his hands in Rae’s hair, and he was faking his apologizes again. Did he really think I was going to buy that shit?

“Like I said last time Harold, I don’t give a fuck about your apologizes.” Chop burst out of laughter and Liam, clearly upset, got up to drink a beer. Rae gave me a worried look and I wasn’t exactly sure what that was supposed to mean.

“I was seriously waiting for something like that for ages Nelson, well done!” Chop high-fived me and continued laughing while everyone but Rae was joining him.

“You know you’re talking about my boyfriend Chop, don’t you?”

“You know I can’t stand the guy Rae.” Everyone seemed to get along with me and Rae seemed getting more and more upset about it. Liam knew he wasn’t exactly welcomed at the table so he just decided to go home. I was scared that Rae might have followed him but she didn’t even mentioned it to him. However, she did kiss him hard and, while doing that, she kept watching me. She was definitely trying to make me jealous but I wasn’t going to let her believe that she was succeeding. 

“You know Rae, I think I might have misjudged you two. You seem like a very nice couple. So right for each other.” I could have sworn she was on the edge of giving me an indefinite series of punches but she just stood there, the look on her face mixed between anger, hate and fear. 

“I’m glad you have finally come to some sense Nelson. Liam is like the most perfect guy on Earth. I’m so lucky to have him.” I was about to shut her up with some brilliant quote but Chloe put her hand on my leg and started asking questions about me. Rae was literally furious and that’s when I realized she wasn’t trying to make me jealous at all. She was the one who was jealous of me.

“So, it’s Finn right?”

“Right, finally someone that calls me with my proper name. You have no idea how good it feels Chloe.” I knew it was wrong of me to lead her on like that but it wasn’t like I was asking her on a date or kissing her. It was an innocent flirty conversation.  
She was all smiles and fluttering eyelashes at me, clearly enjoying the moment. Chloe was really a good looking girl, and, from what I could tell, quite brilliant, too. If I didn’t have Rae in my mind and heart I would have probably asked her out.

“Why is that we never saw you in here before?”

“I used to come here quite a lot but not by night. I prefer reading or listening to music at home.”

“Won’t your books missing you tonight then?” Rae just popped up in the middle of our conversation, clearly upset by our chemistry. The thing was that I actually enjoyed talking with Chloe. She seemed quite similar to me, but then again, there wasn’t exactly place for someone else.

“Nah, they’ll be fine. Plus, tonight I’m having a great time. I didn’t know there were such cool people in Lincolnshire.” I smirked at her and she shrugged again. She wasn’t enjoying the night like I was but that’s what you get when you act like a total bitch towards someone who doesn’t deserve it. 

“So Finn, you have a girlfriend or something?” Chloe just threw at me the question and immediately realized she had gone a little too far too soon but everyone was suddenly interested in the conversation, especially Rae. I had to do my best with this one, I had to make her understand that I already belonged to her and no one else.

“There is someone actually but she’s not my proper girlfriend. I thought we got along but she decided I wasn’t worth enough and she kept going out with her boyfriend, who by the way, is a serious dickhead. I reckon Chop would agree with me if he met the guy.” Everyone was laughing, they probably realized I was talking about Liam but I just kept looking at Rae, and she looked even more upset than before. By the end of my speech she just got up and headed towards the exit without even saying her goodbyes. I quickly took my jacket and followed her out. This was the moment I had been waiting all week for. And it didn’t matter is she was pissed at me; the more upset you get the more you speak the truth.

“Rae stop.” I tried to reach her but she was going faster than me.  
“Rae could you slow down a bit? I need to talk to you.” I was making my way through some lads that were standing there, talking in the street, and once I finally got to her I dragged her down to an ally. It was a bit dark and cold but it was so tiny it was perfect. There was no way she could escape from there.

“What the hell was that about? ‘Chop would agree with me if he met the guy?’ Why didn’t you put a sign on your forehead saying ‘Liam is the dickhead’?”

“Is that what you’re focusing about? Seriously?”

“You were talking about my boyfriend, of course I was focusing on that.” Even though it was pretty dark I could still see her pretty face, and she was inches away from mine. She was so upset that when she raised her voice at me she became closer to yell even more. All I could think about was pushing her against the wall and kissing her but I knew I could only get a punch out of that. Her last text was still pumping in my head; ‘next time you want something so bad just take it’ and I found it hard to think clearly.  
“Hey, I’m talking here Finn. Since you dragged me down here the least you could do is listening to me.”

“Where have you been this week Rae? I missed you.” As usual, night came by and I had forgotten everything that she had done. All I could think about was her body wrapped against mine and all I wanted to do was making love to her, right there in that ally. 

“You can’t talk to me like that Finn.”

“Talking like what?”

“Like you want to fuck me right now.” I smiled a little and she smiled me back. She looked so perfect when she was smiling, I wished she could keep smiling while I was around. I had no idea my voice had deepened that much to reveal my inner thoughts but she didn’t look disgusted; her smile leaked that she was thinking the same. I tried closing the gap between us, careful not to tear that moment apart but she raised her hands to my chest and firmly pushed me away.

“We both want this, why can’t you be honest about it?”

“Because it’s not fair, I have a boyfriend.”

“So you prefer staying with him while you have feeling for someone else?”

“Who said I have feelings for you?” She wanted to sound convinced but she didn’t dare looking me in the eyes. She knew she would have fallen apart. I put my finger under her chin, trying to pick her face up but she was fighting me and I gave up. We stood there in silence for a minute or two then, all of a sudden, she looked at me. I could clearly see tears in her eyes but she was struggling to keep them on the inside.

“I’m gonna go home now, it’s kinda late.”

“We’re not done talking here Rae, I hope you know that.”

“What do you want me to say Finn? That I love you maybe?” She was yelling at me but those words coming out of her mouth, sounded like a poem to me. Three little words, words that I knew she couldn’t feel about me, not after that short period.  
She couldn’t love me, not yet. She was teasing but she should’ve known better. You should never play with those words.

“Do you?”

“Of course not, I don’t even know you.” She should have said ‘no, I love my boyfriend’ but she didn’t. I had never heard her use those words towards Liam, maybe because she didn’t feel like she loved him. Maybe it was just a fling, just an innocent and casual relationship. But then again ,why couldn’t she just dump him and live the present with me and what we were both feeling, is that was the case? 

“Why don’t you bother getting to know me then?”

“Because I can’t.” A tear left her left eye and she turned around and walked home. I wanted to follow her but what was the point? She had had the chance to be with me, multiple times, and she never took it. Not once.  
What was the point in aching over someone that doesn’t think you’re worth enough?

I had never cried over someone that wasn’t a relative, but Rae could bring the worst and the best out of me. Getting her out of my mind wasn’t going to be easy but I needed to give it a try. It was funny to think that I thought the same thing earlier that day before actually meeting her and now, after an all night together, nothing had changed. Why did she have to care about me the first day of college? Why couldn't she just keep being untouchable from people like me? That way, I didn’t have to suffer over her and she didn’t have to hide her feelings for me. It would have been great for both of us if she just kept going with her life as it was. Why did she have to bring me in just to let me down?

At least, one good thing had happened that night; it was so late that my dad was already asleep and I fortunately didn’t have to face him. I didn’t want to talk about Rae with him, about how I thought that a white shirt and some perfume could take her back. He would have just asked ‘back from where?’ and I wasn’t in the mood to explain myself.

I had already taken my shirt and shoes off when someone knocked at the front door. What is it with people knocking at someone’s door at midnight? People like to sleep at this unholy hour. I was so knackered that I didn’t realize I was opening the door, shirtless, until I saw her standing in front of me, clearly checking me out, trying to hide the grin on her face. Her. Rae.

“What are you doing here at this time? And how do you know where I live?”

“So many questions Nelson, just let me in will ya?” There it was; the sexy sound I had always thought it would come out when a girl called me by my last name. Listening to her saying it though, was something else. SHE, was something else entirely. I moved from the door and let her in. She seemed a little drunk but not that much since she was standing on her feet.

“I wanted to apologize about tonight, I don’t know what came onto me. I was a proper dickhead, wasn’t I?”

“A little. Why didn’t you wait until tomorrow? Your parents must be worried you’re not home.”

“Oh no, it’s fine. My parents are on a vacation. I am all alone.” She put a little too much emphasis on the ‘all’ word but I didn’t mind. Rae Earl was in my freaking house. At midnight. And she was teasing and looking at me in a weirdly sexy way. I couldn’t tell if it was the booze, or the fact that I was shirtless or something else but she was there. And that was enough for one night.

“My dad is sleeping so why don’t you just go upstairs to my room?”

“Uh, are you trying to get me into your bed Nelson?”

“Stop calling me like that or I might do that after all.” She laughed and immediately brought her hand up to her mouth, trying to suffocate the laugh and then brought her index to her lips, telling me to keep quiet or we were going to wake my father up. I was so turned on I was going to need six cold showers to calm down.  
She lent out her hand and reached mine and I quickly followed her up the stairs.  
I couldn’t understand why a minute earlier she was all ‘I have a boyfriend’ and the next she was teasing me in my own bloody house. It didn’t make any sense at all. 

“I love your room Nelson, it’s so… you.”

“Thanks... I guess. What do you like best?” 

“I like… well, I like everything. The bed is huge, do you bring that many girls uh?”

“Oh yeah, five or six per night.” I was obviously teasing her but she fell for it and seemed a little hurt.  
“I was just kidding Rae, no one has ever slept in that bed but me.”

“Not even April?” How did she know about April? I thought they just bumped into each other at the hospital, I didn’t know they talked, too.

“Not even her. How do you know who she is?”

“Last week, when you left the ball, she came talk to me. Told me she was your girlfriend.”

“WHAT? She’s not my girlfriend. She broke up with me a year ago.” Bloody April, that was why she didn’t want to talk to me all week long. She thought I was leading her on while I was thinking the same about her. That was why the thought of leaving Liam never crossed her mind. Why would she break up with her boyfriend to be someone’s mistress? 

“Oh, well maybe she wants you back. She’s pretty…”

“What are you on about? She could be bloody Angelina Jolie, after what she just did to us, she’s more dead to me that she used to be before.”

“There’s no ‘us’ Finn and you know that.”

“Why did you come here then? Just to make a point?” She was looking at her feet just like she did in the ally but this time, she was doing it because light was on and she didn’t want to face me directly. She couldn’t hide from me, this time. I cautiously approached her, I didn’t want to scare her off but once she spotted me getting closer she looked at me, visibly frightened. I stopped walking, but she just nodded at me, answering to a question I hadn’t dared to ask. Closing the gap between us I could feel her trembling but it wasn’t fear this time; she knew that if she kept staying there, kissing would have been inevitable but she wasn't scared by that. She wanted it just as much as I wanted it and once my lips touched hers, I could feel just how much.

I had always known there was something there, between us, but once our lips locked and moved together I realized the passion we both felt was real and there wasn’t anything like that. My hands cupped her face and hers were in my hair, running on my chest, on my back, wanting, searching, loving. We were kissing for the first time and it was like we were making love. It felt so intimate, so special, so… perfect. Our lips parted for a brief moment, in which I looked at her asking her for more and her lips were back onto mine, parting for my tongue to enter her brilliant and savage mouth.  
Our tongues entwined made this strange dance together and it felt like they were both searching for something that had found in the exact moment they touched. And that was what was happening to my body. Having her so close, closer than the ball night, made me go on fire. I wanted that moment to last forever.  
We parted once we were both out of oxygen, a huge smile pressed onto both our faces. I couldn’t keep my hands off of her, I needed to touch her, to feel her close to me and her hands didn’t move from my shoulders.

“Do you still think there’s no ‘us’ then?” She smiled at me, giving me a soft, chaste kiss on my lips and looked at me again.

“I know I shouldn’t have come here tonight but this… this was worth it. You are so worth it Nelson.”

“I told you stop calling me like that or else…” Without even realizing it we were back on kissing each other, this time with more want and passion than before. She was so beautiful and perfect and she was finally mine. 

“You are so beautiful, you know that?”

“You’re not so bad yourself, Nels… Finn.” 

“I can’t believe this is happening, I wanted to kiss you for so long, you have no idea.”

“I told you that if you want something so bad you have to take it, haven’t I?” 

“You’re staying here tonight then.” She looked at me in a total state of shock. I had been such a knobhead, she was probably thinking I wanted to fuck her already, when she clearly had still a boyfriend to break up with. Not that I didn’t want to spend the night with her but, I just wanted to keep her close, that was all.  
“I’m sorry… I just meant you can sleep here since your parents are away.”

“Oh, that’s sweet of you but I can’t leave Nelson alone, really.”

“Nelson?” What the hell was she talking about? She was leaving me alone by leaving. I was getting an headache out of this girl while she was just there laughing.

“Yep, that’s my dog.”

“You called your dog Nelson?”

“It was before I even knew you so don’t get your hopes up.” 

“I’ll just pretend to believe you, then.” She smirked at me and opened the door, ready to leave.  
I, on the other hand, wasn’t so ready to let her go. I grabbed her hand and gently closed the door, pushing her against it and kissing her again, hands on her hips and in her hair.

“If you keep doing that Nelson, I’ll never leave.”

“That was the plan Earl.” With our foreheads resting against each other, she kept stealing small kisses from me, blowing me away every time. Feeling her breath onto my face was an incredibly turn on for me and I quickly realized I had to let her go since I was getting a massive boner by having her so close.  
I opened the door and led her down the stairs, hands entwined and smelling her scent all the way down her neck. 

“I’ll see you tomorrow I guess, then?”

“Yes, you will Nelson. Oh, and if I catch you even looking in Chloe’s direction, you can kiss goodbye to your little brother down there.” I had to use all of my self control not to jump onto her while she was pointing her finger a little way too close to my penis. She gave me a quick kiss on the lips and ran away. 

For once in my life, I couldn’t wait to go to college the next day.


	5. Chapter 5

Nothing had ever kept me awake during the night but this time, this time it was different. How could I sleep when, every time I closed my eyes, Rae’s figure kept popping into my head?   
She had been gone for like two hours and I couldn’t wait to see her again or to have her in my bedroom once more. If I had believed in magic, I could have sworn she had put a spell on me; I literally couldn’t stop thinking about her, her long dark hair, her soft and creamy skin, her hands over my bare shoulders while our lips crashed into each others. I still couldn’t believe that I had found the gut to kiss her, to make her understand how much I wanted her to be mine. Ass-face was getting what he deserved and there was nothing he could do about it; punching me some more wasn’t going to restore him his girlfriend.   
I’d never thought I’d see the day when precious Rae Earl would dump ass-face to be with… well, me. Should I call her my girlfriend, or would it be too sudden? I don’t wanna do anything that could scare her away but, at the same time, I can’t wait for anyone to know she’s my girl. I wanna hold her hand, kiss her before we go to college, pick her up every morning and dropping her at home by night. Maybe keep her with me a few of those times. I wanna be able to call her ‘beautiful’ in front of everyone, just to prove her how proud I am of having her by my side.   
God, Rae is turning me into one of those Nicholas Sparks movies characters. I am bloody Noah Calhoun, or whatever he was called, and I’m not even upset about it. Every woman is in love with that guy so, why can’t she be in love with me if I act and talk like him?   
It’s 3.00 AM and I’m talking non-sense. I just wanna be with her and, when she’s not around, I feel depressed. Is that bad? Why do I have ‘this’ so bad?   
I should just text her and see if she has it as bad as I do. 

*You awake?* Why do I always come up with insane text messages? It’s like I’m doing it on purpose to send girls away. Not this time, though. This time, I need to try more. To be more. For her. Because she deserves it.  
*Can’t really get much sleep after tonight.* 

*Yeah, me neither.* Oh God, she has it as bad as I do. Still awake at 3.00 AM thinking about what happened between us. How can I already being so in love with this girl? Sure, I’ve always fancied her since I first saw her but, this is different. This is not some sick and stupid crush; I seriously can’t imagine a day of my life in which I don’t talk to her, or see her, or kiss her. This is insane, when did I become such a romantic person?  
*Do you think you can pick me up tomorrow, for college?* Pick her up? Liam always used to be with her every morning since, I don’t know, probably forever. He probably used to pick her up from home every day. I seriously can’t believe she has already talk to him about us and their break-up. This is happening so fast, I can’t quite process it. Maybe we really are a couple after tonight.

*Sure, no problem. Just text the address. Have you already talked to Liam?*

*Nope but I will. Tomorrow. He’s going to be devastated.* She’s really going through with this. She really has deep feelings for me. Deeper than those for him and it’s been only a week. Why didn’t I took the courage to talk to her before? We could have been together for almost a year by now. Thank God she came to me that day at college. Thank God she’s brave and confident. 

*How about I take you somewhere before college? I could come around 6 AM* I really didn’t want to talk about Liam and his painful life without Rae. He had the chance to have her for an entire year and I had never heard him telling her a compliment. She deserved to be appreciated everyday, how could he not see that?  
It was time to make her realize she could have so much more by being with me. 

*I need to be in college by 9 though, okay?* Three entire hours, just me and her. 

*Yeah totally. I have classes too, you know :)*

*I’ll see you in a few hours then. Get some sleep, Nelson.* It was almost 4 AM but I couldn’t really get some sleep with her calling me like that over the phone. A simple text could send me on fire and before I knew, I was already taking a cold shower. How could I keep calm with her around calling me Nelson and teasing me, when a text could get me a boner? I couldn’t help but think how good she could have been in bed, always teasing and joking, like she was used to do. 

Constantly thinking about her, kept me in the shower longer than usual. Turns out that, thinking about the one who gave you a boner in the middle of the night, while not being with you at the moment, doesn’t exactly help you getting your penis down, and her text with her home address made it worst because it made it more real.   
Black jeans, a white T-shirt, a pair of Adidas and I was already ready to go and pick her up. I had even shaved for the occasion no matter the fact that I hadn’t actually any beard that needed to be shaved. I felt like a kid once he gets to open his presents on Christmas day. That joy, that indescribable happiness that invades your soul once you understand you got everything you always wanted to have but never thought you could actually get. That pleasure that only the thing or person you treasure the most can give to you. 

My dad was still asleep once I got out of the house but I had probably awaken him as I turned on my bike. Rae had showed appreciation for my baby so, there was no point in keeping her hidden anymore but I really needed to stop thinking about having Rae wrapped around my waist, hands on my chest or I would have seriously risked having an accident before getting the actual chance of having her behind me that morning. 

Once I got to her house, I could see her walking her dog, a little far away from me. In front of her home, which was at the end of Nelson Road, there was a little park and a pond. It felt like the universe was trying to tell me something. She lived in Nelson Road, her dog was called Nelson, and what was my name? Fucking Finn Nelson. I felt like I could go and kiss my father for that blessing.   
I took out my helmet and got off the bike, getting a little closer to the park but staying in the shadows. She was basically laying on the ground, her dog all over her, licking her face. She seemed so happy and relaxed, so free to be just herself. She was different when nobody was looking at her.   
Her hair was up in a pony tail and she was wearing a weirdly cute bathrobe and a pair of pink slippers. She seemed like a desperate housewife, but not the classic one. She was more beautiful in her usual and comfy clothes than ever. 

“If you were trying to hide Nelson, it’s really not working.” As her words left her mouth, I stepped out from behind a tree and went over her. As closer as I got to her, I found it very hard to contain myself from jumping onto her. She was sitting on the grass, while her dog was playing a little behind her. She gave me a big smile and was about to stand up to greet me but I just shook my head in her direction and sat next to her, one arm around her shoulders. She looked amazing for someone who didn’t get much sleep.

“You always look this beautiful every morning? I could get used to this, you know?”

“And you’re always this tender by morning? I could get used to that, too.” Being with her, telling her how pretty she looked, hugging her in the morning light, in the middle of a small park in front of her house. If that was going to be my life, I could get used to it in a heartbeat. 

“So, how’s Nelson doing?”

“He’s good, I got scared last week, though. I was alone in the house and I didn’t know what to do.” A tear escaped from her eyes and I took it away with my thumb. I couldn’t stand to see her sad. If there was one thing I could promise her, was that she would have never felt scared again, not if I could prevent it. She briefly smiled at me and put her head on my shoulder. We laid back on the grass for a minute or two without actually speaking until she sat up again and faced me.  
“You make me feel safe, you know? Safer than I’ve ever been.” I smiled at her. I was literally struggling with finding some words. It was like my voice was stuck in the back of my throat and refusing to get out.  
“It only takes for you to look at me and I feel good. It’s a little weird.”

“Why?”

“Because we don’t know each other but it feels like I’ve known you since forever.” I didn’t know why but I felt like a ‘but’ was on its way. There was nothing in her voice that could led me to it really but, her face, I could feel and see the struggle she was facing.   
“But?”

“But what?”

“I don’t know… it seems like you want to add a ‘but’ to what you’re saying.”

“God, why am I such an open book?” I really wished she wasn’t but I had studied her for almost a year. All that she studied, all that she liked and disliked. And I could tell what was going on in her head without having her to actually speak.   
“Last night, it was… it felt… good. But I shouldn’t have felt that way.”

“Why is that?”

“Ehm, maybe it’s because I have a boyfriend?” Have. Present tense. She wasn’t going to suggest we should have forgot all that had happened, was she? Not after what we both felt, and not after what we said to each other.

“What are you trying to say Rae?”

“I’m saying that I feel bad because I cheated on my boyfriend and I shouldn’t have but I can’t fully regret it because it felt good. It felt right. And I feel bad for thinking that. God, this is such a mess.” I was starting to understand her struggle with the situation and I calmed down a little. She had a boyfriend and she showed up at someone else’s place at midnight, kissing the guy and basically telling him that if he was going to breathe into any girl’s direction, she would have killed him. This is not the action of someone who’s in love with their boyfriend and she was scared about talking to Liam about this.

“Look, if you want I can be there with you. We can talk to him together.”

“So he can finish the job he started last week? No fucking way.”

“I’m just saying I can be there if you want me to. I’m not leaving you alone in this. And yes, he will suffer because loosing you would be tremendous for anyone but he’ll get over it once he’ll understand you’re happy with someone else.” She had given me a small smile when I had suggested that loosing her would have been painful for anyone, and had even blushed a little but she returned to be serious a moment after that. She wasn’t finished, she had something else to tell me.

“I can’t… Finn, I can’t leave him.” As soon as she finished talking, she turned her face so that I couldn’t actually see her crying but I could clearly hear her sobbing. If she was so sure she couldn’t be with me why crying about it? It was her decision, hers and no one else’s and, as soon as I realized she was serious about it, my arm wrapping her shoulders, dropped to the ground. 

“Why are you doing this? I thought you said you were going to talk to him!” I didn’t want to sound angry but I was so disappointed by her. Why did she have to ask me to pick her up, let me believe that we actually had a chance and then, throw it all up? She cleared her tears with her left hand and faced me again.

“I am talking to him, I am telling him what happened because we don’t have secrets but that doesn’t mean I’m going to break up with him. I can’t.”

“What do you mean, you can’t? He’s not forcing his way on you, is he?” I tried to cup her face with my hands, to comfort her since she said she felt safe with me but she pushed it away. How did we go from last night’s kiss to this? 

“What are you on about? Of course not, Liam is not that kind of guy.” 

“Then why? Why can’t you leave him?”

“Just because, it’s none of your business.”

“Oh, I think it is. Why did you ask me to come here this morning? So you could tell me privately we’re not going in any direction? Is that it?” She turned her back on me again, unable to speak to my face but I wasn’t going to have any of that shit so I took her by the shoulders and turned her around so she could look at me again, nowhere to escape.  
“Hey, I am talking to you, the least you could do is listening to me.” I hadn’t realized I had said the exact words she had said to me the previous day but I didn’t quite have the time to process that, since she locked fiercely her lips onto mine and laid me back to the grass while she was on top of me. I wanted to tell her to stop, that we had to talk, that I wanted some answers but all I really wanted was to let her understand how much I loved her and that kiss was the perfect occasion. I tried to keep her close to me, wrapping my hands around her back and pushing my legs apart so that she could get more access but, once she felt my boner on her thigh, she parted our lips and looked at me, trying to get up. Since I didn’t have a lot of time to think about my next move I just took her in my arms and laid her on the grass, this time I was on top, and I kept kissing her lips, her neck, my hands wandering over her body with extreme caution since I knew she was having some reserve about this. After a moment of uncertainty she entwined her hands in my hair, dragging me closer and closer. It was like we were one person, we were so caught up in each other we didn’t realize we were snogging in a public park and, anyone, could have appeared at any time.   
After a bit, we pushed away from each other, trying to gain some breath and, once we were both sat down, I realized she wasn’t wearing anything under her bathrobe but her underwear. I thought about ripping my jeans off about a hundred times but it wasn’t appropriate and I didn’t want our first time to be like that. If there was ever going to be a first time for us.  
“Rae, don’t get me wrong but, you should really cover yourself up or I don’t think I can be responsible for my actions.” She looked at herself and instantly blushed, trying to cover herself at the best that she could but it was pointless. I had already had a glimpse of her skin and I was loosing myself. 

“I’m sorry about that.”

“Don’t be, I’m not sorry at all. However, do you really think we can stay apart after this?” She shook ‘no’ with her head and I calmed down a bit. Should I have had to kiss her like that every time she had doubts about us?

“You didn’t let me finish earlier.”

“Hey, you’re the one who jumped onto me, not the other way around. Not… not that I minded anyway…” 

“I can’t stay away from you. I don’t want to.”

“I think you have a decision to make then. Him or me.” I didn’t know why I had asked her to choose, the bare thought of her telling me we were done was unacceptable but she needed to make a decision, to think about herself and choose which one she really wanted. 

“Actually it’s you who has to make a decision.”

“Me?” What was she on about? I could have never choose for her, it was her life. 

“I can’t leave Liam but I can’t be apart from you either.” She didn’t ask a proper question but I already knew where she was taking this. 

“No fucking way Rae, absolutely not!”

“But I didn’t even asked you…”

“It doesn’t matter. I won’t share you with that knobhead. No fucking way. You have to choose between us.” How could she ask me to share her with Liam? I would have never agreed to something like this, how could she think otherwise?

“I thought you wanted me.”

“Of course I want you but I want you to myself, I can’t share you with someone else.” She nodded quietly. It felt like she understood me but, at the same time, she couldn’t give me what I wanted.  
She stood up and called for her dog, without looking at me once. She was already on her way home when she looked back to me for the last time.

“I guess I’ll see you at school then.” Was I ready to let her go? Could I really not try to be with her in this insane situation and maybe win her over? All I needed to do was making her realize we were great together and, possibly, making her falling in love with me. A piece of cake, really.

“Rae wait.” I ran towards her and as soon as she heard my voice she turned around to look at me, hope sprayed all over her beautiful face.  
“I suppose I can give it a shot.”

“I know I am asking you a lot Finn, if you’re not sure about this you don’t have to do it.”

“I wanna do this. It’s not gonna be easy but I want to try. You just have to promise me one thing.”

“Name it.”

“You can’t be with him like you are with me and vice versa.” She smiled, nodded and wrapped her arms around my waist.

“I could never be with him like I am with you, Nelson.” Hearing her calling me like that made me realize she was back, she was finally in my arms, where I felt she belonged. She went back to her house, left Nelson and got changed in a heartbeat. Once she got out I was already on my bike, waiting for her and she looked ravishing. Her hair was no longer caught up in the pony tail but was resting on her right shoulder, and she was wearing a pair of skinny blue jeans and a black top, matching her black Converse. She looked so beautiful I could hardly contain my excitement once she sat behind me, hands on my chest and her scent all over me. I knew I couldn’t cherish her presence every time I wanted but I decided not to care about that, at least, not there. I was just happy to have with me for awhile. 

I parked distant from college as always and helped her getting down from the bike and taking off the helmet.

“Have I already told you how much I adore your bike? Always wanted to have one.”

“Why don’t you get one then?”

“Because my mum doesn’t want to. Plus, I have you now and I can take it anytime I want.” I wished she wasn’t right but she had already stolen my heart, there was no point in saying that she was wrong. She could take anything from me.  
“We should get going or we’re going to be late.”

“What, don’t I get a kiss before class?” She smirked and looked around, to be sure no one was near by. I hated to think that this was what my life would have been from there on. But once she placed her lips onto mine I quickly forgot all of my doubts, at least for a minute. She smiled and made her way to college, towards her friends.   
She wasn’t even quite gone and I was already missing her. 

 

_________________

 

Weeks went by and Rae and I were happier than ever, although the situation wasn’t the best of all. Liam had coped better than I expected about our kiss but he didn’t know that Rae and I were still seeing each other. Every morning I went to pick her up for college, at least those mornings when Liam didn’t spend the night at her place but, she had assured me that she wasn’t sleeping with him, at least not since her and I happened.   
I found it hard to believe but I wanted to trust her because if there’s not trust, where can two people go, really?  
I was getting fond of Nelson, although it was weird when she called him by his name and we couldn’t help but laugh about it and he seemed to like me back. During breaks at college, we always found a way to see each other, either it was in the bathrooms, or the library. There was one time when we had had to go to the rooftop and it felt pretty surreal and romantic.  
She was happy to spend time together and she didn’t loose any occasion to tell me. I knew this could have been only a temporary situation, there was no way I was going to share her with Liam all my life, but I tried to enjoy every moment with her without thinking to much about the fact that I was the one who loved her, in secret, while Liam was the guy who could love her, in public. And I had no idea where her heart belonged. That was probably one of the most hurtful things. I knew where I stood and where Liam stood but I couldn’t exactly decipher her. She had always been an open book to me but not about this. She had been good at keeping her feelings quite hidden.  
On a Saturday morning I had waited outside her house until I was sure that Liam had gone home and we had spent the day together at her place. I was happy that her mother and her husband were often away so that Rae and I could have the place to ourselves. We felt like grown ups living together. 

“Can you imagine what will it be like, once we’ll have our own places?”

“I can’t wait actually. We could spend days and days together, listening to Oasis and Stone Roses and dancing in our underwear.” She had smirked at me, probably not realizing that she had just mentioned the fact that we would have been together even after college and university. Or maybe she did have realized it and she had tried to change the conversation, quoting something about us dancing in our underwear. I had decided to play along and swallowed, made my way over her, wrapping my hands around her waist, while she was picking some tunes for us to listen to. I couldn’t believe I had found a great girl and that she had the same taste I had in music. There weren’t many people who used to listen to Oasis and Stone Roses in 2015 but, thank God, we were there. Another thing Liam and her couldn’t share.

“What do you think you’re doing Nelson?”

“Hugging my girl, why?”

“Because I can feel your boner in my leg.” I quietly shifted it to her legs opening and she closed her eyes for a minute, softly moaning.  
“Finn… I…”

“I want you Rae. So damn much.” I placed my lips to her neck, letting my hands wander over her breasts but she stopped me, reluctantly but firmly.

“I know… but we can’t. I won’t do it while I’m still with Liam.” I hoped she was going to say at some point that she felt safe with me enough to dump ass-face but she didn’t even mentioned it and I don’t know why I let it out at that moment, but it sounded like the most natural thing to do.

“I love you, you know that?” She looked at me, quite shocked but then she just smiled and lowered her eyes to her feet, blushing shyly.

“I know.” She didn’t say it back but I knew she felt it. It was clear to me, I didn’t want her to tell me she loved me just because I had told her in that moment but there was no need for words with us. In that moment, I finally knew where she stood.

Thank God though, there was the play. The only time I could profess her my love in front of other people and she could do the same without people suspecting anything. I knew she recognized my feelings were real, that I actually loved her as Finn and not as playing the part of Romeo but I was just happy to be able to tell her in front of other people. If felt like we were properly together.  
There was one time though. One time when she had said she loved me too, and I dropped my mouth as I stepped out of Romeo’s shoes. I didn’t care if there were 20 people looking at us. I didn’t care if it seemed weird. I knew she wasn’t saying it as Juliet. That was Rae, saying that she loved me, the real me, there was no script there.

“You do?”

“I do, of course I do.” The director of the play called us back from that little cloud we were momentarily on and we just apologized, saying that we forgot our lines but I couldn’t help but smile through all day and she blushed every time she ran into me in the hallways.   
At that point, it was November and we had been on that situation way too long that I had expected. She always tried to hide from me when she was with Liam, because she knew I didn’t like it but there were times, when she couldn’t spot me, in which I had seen them holding hands in front of their friends. I knew her and I shared more than just holding hands, although we hadn’t made love yet, but I would have killed for a chance to hold her hand in the middle on the day, in a pub or on a sidewalk.   
I just wanted to be with her in the open but I knew it was just a dream.

One afternoon, I had decided to organize something romantic for her so I left college earlier than I should have. While walking to my bike I spotted Rae and Liam together, sitting on a bench, not too far away from me. Since Liam had known about us, he tried to show me that Rae was his and that she had chose him over me and, every time, although I knew it wasn’t quite right, my heart fell out a little. That afternoon though, it was different. Liam spotted me but Rae didn’t; I was sure of that because if she did she wouldn’t have held his hand and rested her head on his shoulder. He lifted her head and kissed her passionately, right in font of me. I hoped Rae would tell him to get off her, or at least to be a little less obvious about the fact that, if he could have, he would have fucked her right there on that bench, but she didn’t. She, in fact, returned the kiss, while entwining her hands in his hair, thing that she used to do with me every fucking time. And, God only knew, how many other times they had been like that.   
It was like someone was ripping my heart out of my chest and there was nothing I could do about it. On the outside, I was nobody to her and I couldn’t exactly make a scene but that was enough for me. I loved her and I knew she loved me, I knew what she felt with me, I knew she would have made love to me so, it was time for her to choose.   
I jumped onto my bike, wore my helmet and turned on the engine. As soon as she heard the noise, she interrupted the kiss and turned her face to look at me. She was sorry I had witnessed their kiss but didn’t get up to stop me from leaving.  
I got home as soon as I could and, as I had imagined, she came round mine in less than an hour. 

“Finn, I am really sorry about earlier.”

“Don’t be, you’re a couple, I get it but, I thought you said you weren’t with him like you’re with me.” It was so painful talking to her and the only thing I could picture in my mind was her sticking her tongue down Liam’s throat. 

“I… what… what I have with you is nothing like what I have with him. You know that, now you’re hurt but, deep down, you know it.”

“You’re right, I am hurt. I am hurt because the girl I am in love with can’t decide between me and another guy.”

“I thought we talked about this and moved on.”

“Well, I can’t. You might enjoy having two boyfriends but I don’t. You have to choose Rae. Now, before it gets more difficult.”

“Where is this coming from? I told you two months ago how things were and now we’re back at that point again?”

“Exactly, two fucking months. It’s been two months and I can’t take it anymore. You have to decide.” She started crying but I couldn’t comfort her, despite the fact that all I wanted to do her was hold her in my arms.

“Nothing is changed Finn.”

“Nothing is changed?” I was starting to get angry and, the last thing I wanted to do was yell at her but, I couldn’t do anything else.  
“NOTHING IS CHANGED? WE HAVE! OUR FEELINGS HAVE CHANGED, HOW CAN YOU STAY WITH HIM WHILE YOU’RE IN LOVE WITH ME?”

“Please, stop screaming, I am begging you.” She was crying harder than before, and I was crying, too. What was the deal with her and Liam, why couldn’t she just dump the guy?

“I didn’t want to yell, I’m sorry, but you’re driving me nuts, girl. I give you all of me, every day of my life and you still can’t decide between us. Am I not enough for you?”

“Of course you are, you know you are.”

“I can’t keep on going with what I know. You always say that I know what I mean to you, that… that I know what you feel about me, but I don’t. I fucking don’t. You have to give me something Rae, sometimes I feel like I am alone in this relationship. I can’t spend my life guessing.”

“So, you want us to break up then, is that it?”

“God, why can’t you understand my position in this? I don’t want to break up with you, I fucking love you but, if you don’t feel the same, for God’s sake please let me go because I can’t keep on doing this.” I hoped she would just put her arms around me and told me that she loved me, that she felt the same things I felt for her but she kept staying there, sobbing and erasing tears from her eyes.

“I can’t let you go after all we shared in these two months, I can’t give up on you, on us, after all that I've done just to talk to you.”

“What are you talking about?” I started feeling confused. Was it possible that she had fancied me before she had actually came and talked to me? But no, I had watched her over the passed year and she didn’t even gave me the slightest look.

“Nothing, just forget I said anything.”

“God, you see what you ‘re doing? Why do you shut me out? What did you mean before, please tell me.”

“It’s just, when we first spoke, on the first day of college this year, I wish it could have happened earlier. I had been watching you, since way before that day.”

“What are you… way before? What do you mean like, last year?” She shook her head ‘no’ but she kept looking at her feet. I couldn’t believe I had been watching and wanting her since the year before and she had done the same thing.  
“Since when then?”

“Just a little before college started.”

“How is this little, actually little?” I approached her, cupping her face with my hands but she didn’t want me to touch her so I stepped back.  
“How little is it?”

“Since 2012 I guess…” Her words died in the back of her throat but I had heard what I needed to hear. Three fucking years and I didn’t even know she had existed before college. Where did she see me?

“Three years and you still can’t leave your boyfriend and live our story freely?”

“It’s not that simple: I just can’t leave him and I thought you understood that.”

“How could I understand it? I love you and you’re choosing someone else! What do you want me to do? Sympathize for the guy? Or waiting forever for a girl who doesn’t love me enough?”

“Do you want to be with someone else then? Is that why you're doing much ado about nothing?”

“Don’t quote Shakespeare to me, not now. You know I don’t want anyone else but maybe it’s fair for me to try and be happy with someone who wants me and only me. Someone who can love me in the daylight.” I couldn’t even picture myself next to someone who wasn’t Rae but what she was putting me through was not right.

“I am so sorry for hurting you, I really am but, you can’t ask me more than what we already have right now and I thought, I… I had hoped that you would found it enough.”

“These past two months have been good just when we were together. Every time I came back home, I kept thinking about the fact that you were spending the night, of the entire day with him, you don’t know what that did to me. I love you but I can’t do this anymore Rae.”

“I see…”

“So, you’re staying with him right? We are done?” At my first question she had nodded but once she had heard me saying we were done she looked at me, visibly hurt and scared about us being truly over.   
“Yes or no, Rae, you have to pick a side here!”

“Yes… yes, I guess we are done.” I didn’t know how words could really break someone’s soul until that moment. I was loosing the woman I loved and I didn’t even know why. She was on her way to the door but I had to give it another shot.

“If we finish this, now, there’s no going back, do you hear me? You can’t come back tomorrow, or the next week. We are done for good. If you walk out that door right now, we are done for good.” She turned her head towards me, she wasn’t even trying to cover her crying anymore, and she quietly nodded. She turned around again, opened the door and left. I knew we were done, and she knew that, too.  
What she didn’t know is that I wasn’t going to surrender so easily. I knew she loved me back and I needed to find out what was her deal with Liam. Whether she wanted me to find out or not.


	6. Chapter 6

Three days since my life had been turned upside down. I had lost the girl of my dreams to some fucking twat, my college grades weren’t exactly good for university material and I had lost the only group of true friends I had ever had in my entire life. Why did I let that girl go around and fuck up my life like it was nothing? How could I had lost myself that much over Rae?  
Plus, April had decided to talk to me again because she wanted to give us another shot, like she could just call the shots and decide for me like I was some kind of object. I had been so wrecked since Rae and I had broken up that I had said ‘yes’ to her just to keep her quiet for a bit and now, there I was. Fucking 25th of November had arrived and I had to take her out for dinner.  
I could have just called her and told her that her and I weren’t going to happen but, the truth was, I needed to move on, and she had been the only girl, besides Rae, who had conquered my heart a few years ago.   
And, to be honest, I couldn’t wait either to give her some shit for the way she had behaved with me when she decided that Max, my so called ‘best friend’, was worth enough ruining a two years relationship. Not to mention the fact that she had chosen the worst timing to cheat on me; just when I needed someone by my side, after loosing my nan, she had decided I was too grumpy and superficial for her. When was I ever a superficial person?   
Rude? Yeah, maybe, but never superficial.   
I had felt so lost when I had found out what her and Max had been up to and I really thought I felt that way not just because he was supposed to my best friend but because I felt like I was actually in love with April but, after what Rae and I had shared in just two months, I realized it was just pure and simple betrayal. It was nothing like love, because I could have said for sure I had only loved one girl in my entire life and her name wasn’t certainly April Donovan.   
Rae, on the other hand, didn’t seem exactly too disappointed about our break up; sure, she couldn’t show her feelings about something no one knew nothing about but, I had thought, she would, at least, been a little sad, while, every time I had seen her at college, during those three days, she had always seemed quite joyful and a smile was always covering her beautiful face.   
The guys from her gang weren’t exactly ignoring me but I could understand why they didn’t want to talk to me; she had probably told them something about us arguing or, not getting along anymore and they had, rightfully, taken her side. There was one person from her gang, though, who had tried to talk to me and had been nothing but nice to me. Chloe.   
Despite the fact that she was a really pretty girl and she seemed quite interested in me, romantically speaking, she had shown me nothing but kindness and solidarity, saying more than once that if I ever needed anything, she would have been there for me because she really thought I was a nice bloke.   
I was glad that I hadn’t been wrong about her since our first talk at the pub. She really was a nice and generous person and, maybe, she was the right one to move on from Rae. I didn’t want to lead her on though, since I was still caught up in Rae and I had decided to treat her just like a friend. Nothing more needed to be read in our relationship. 

As I was sitting just outside the library, she approached me, probably just to say ‘hello’. She was wearing a nice green top, a black skirt, which really left nothing to imagination and a pair of black high heels. I couldn’t understand how girls were so confident about themselves. I mean, I understand wearing sexy outfits on a Saturday night with friends or your boyfriend but, why dress up for college? It wasn’t like we needed to be concentrated on drooling over some girl’s body. That was an easy task for us without them even trying. 

“Hey Finn, it’s been a while, how are you?” She took a seat next to me and gave me a quick kiss on my cheek as I smiled to her. She seemed quite radiant that morning. 

“I think we saw each other yesterday morning Chloe.” I didn’t mean to sound rude but she was clearly teasing me and I didn’t want to lead her on. I hated to be that kind of guy. The smile disappeared form her face though and I felt like shit.   
“But it’s nice to see you, really. I’ve been good, how about you?”

“I am okay, thanks.” She tried to sound as happy as before but I could tell I had hurt her feelings. Why do I always act like a jerk when I’m nervous?

“You look really nice today, you know? Seems like you just got out from a cover magazine or something.” A cover magazine or something, really Nelson? Girls love compliments but this was so fucking cheesy, even for me. Despite it all though, Chloe seemed to appreciate the effort and smiled at me and shrugged.

“I just put on the first thing I could find in my closet.” I softly smiled, knowing she was surely kidding about that because there was no way a girl like her could have just picked up something from her closet but I pretended to buy it.

“So, why so radiant today? Something good happened to you?”

“Oh yeah, today I am finally meeting Rae’s little sister.” I instantly dropped the book I was holding, to the ground. Did I hear correctly? Rae had a sister? When did that happened? Two months together, always hanging at her place and not once did she think about telling me she had a sister? God, did I really matter that little to her? I turned to face Chloe completely, eyes widened in shock about the latest news. Not so new, apparently.

“Since when does Rae have a sister?”

“Since two years. Today it’s her birthday and we’re finally meeting her for the first time. Rae’s having a big party at her place for her.”

“What do you mean for the first time? You must have met her when she was born.”

“No, not really, no. Rae has always been very discrete about her. Don’t know why, really.” How was it possible that Rae’s best friends never saw her little sister since she was born? This didn’t make any sense at all.  
“We saw pictures though. She’s such a cutie, Finn. You should come with us. Maybe you and Rae could catch up and bury the hatchet.” Going to Rae’s house while her friends, her family and her boyfriend were there wasn’t certainly an option. Plus, I felt so angry towards her, I would’ve just ended up ruining the party to her little sister. Why did she never mentioned her sister to me? Surely they were pretty close if she had volunteered about throwing her a party. Kids can be quite a pain in the ass and I can’t imagine any 17 years old girl be happy about having the house full of crying kids. In the house there was zero presence of a baby girl living there and, now that I knew this little girl existed, it felt extremely weird that I had never bumped into her. Not once. 

“Does she live with Rae?”

“Of course she lives with Rae, dickhead, where should she live?” This didn’t make any sense at all. It was like Rae had physically removed everything of her baby sister from the house anytime I went around, including the baby herself. That was probably why she had her place to herself all the time. She had probably asked her parents to take her away to the park or somewhere, while we were together. But why do that? Why did she have to hide her from me? I was going to love her just as much as I loved her sister.   
“I’ll tell you what: you can be my +1 for the party today, so you can see the gang and maybe clearing things up with Rae. We really miss you Finn. We all do.”

“I don’t think Rae would like to have me in the house, but thank Chloe. I really appreciate it.” Seen the major effort Rae had put through to be sure I would never meet her sister there was no point in going to that party. I would have just put her off more than she was already and I couldn’t risk doing that.

“Rae will probably be busy and once you’ll be there she’ll get over it, trust me. She’s a good girl and a great friend, you just haven’t had the chance of knowing her properly.” I hated to keep lying to Chloe about Rae and I but, despite the fact that I hated how she had handled our situation, I couldn’t betray her. Especially to Chloe, who was Rae’s best friend. But what could I come up with to avoid going to the party without sounding suspicious? Maybe I should have just said ‘yes’ and go meet Rae’s sister. I was kind of curious about her, anyway.

“Fine, what time is the party?”

“4 PM and don’t be late. Plus, could you maybe give me a ride after college?” Taking Chloe to Rae’s house with my bike? Oh, this was going to put her off like crazy. Great, just great.

“Sure Chloe, no problem. I’ll meet you outside at 3.30?” She nodded and gave me a big smile. I seriously hoped she wasn’t reading to much in it. It was just a ride, nothing else. Then she gave me another kiss on the cheek and got up, walking to her class. She really was pretty though, I couldn’t deny that. A total different beauty from Rae, she didn’t have her curves, her bright long dark hair, her sensational and breathtaking scent but, still, she was pretty. 

So, there I was: from looser Romeo to really busy Finn Nelson. In just one day I had rehearsal of the play, a party and a dinner date with my ex girlfriend. What was happening to my lonely and grumpy life?   
“Holy fuck!” I quickly picked up all of my books, including the one who was still laying on the floor as I remembered I should have been in the auditorium to rehears the play, 20 minutes earlier, and I started running down the stairs, hoping to be less late than I actually was. I was so screwed, the director would have surely gone for my head and probably balls. 

“Look who finally decided to show up.”

“I am so sorry sir, I really am. I got stuck in… in traffic.” The director raised an eyebrow at me, probably knowing I was lying but decided to keep quiet while I joined Rae and some other people on the stage. Rae didn’t look so calm herself and she was visibly mad at me. I got a little closer, making sure it wasn’t too close but that she could clearly hear me and I tried to apologize.  
“It was only 20 minutes why are you so upset?”

“I didn’t say anything did I?”

“It wasn’t my fault if there was traffic this morning, was it?” As those words left my mouth she looked at me, more pissed than I had ever seen her.

“We both know you weren’t stuck in traffic. I saw you upstairs with Chloe.”

“Why didn’t you say ‘hi’ then?”

“You seemed pretty caught up in your conversation, I didn’t want to interrupt.” Was she jealous now? Why couldn’t this girl leaving me fucking alone? She was the one who had left me not longer than three days earlier and now she was standing there, visibly fuming, about me and Chloe. We were just talking and it wasn’t like she had some kind of power over me. We weren’t together anymore, I didn’t have to answer to her or anyone else.

“We were just talking Rae. And since when do you care about what I do?”

“I don’t, I just don’t want you to lead her on. I know you don’t like her that way.” 

“And what if I did like her? She’s pretty, isn’t she?” Rae wasn’t fuming anymore and I could see the hurt in her eyes taking the best of her. She was desperately trying not to cry, at least not in front of me and I wished I could have just hugged her and brought her back to my place, showing her how much I had missed her in those three days. But I had been clear about us and about the fact that, once she had left my house, she could have never went back to it or to me and I had to stick to it, no matter the fact that I was still very steady about knowing her deal with Liam. I had to move on from her but not until I had found out what was really going on between them.  
She gave me one last look and then got away from my sight and we just spent the next two hours reciting, without really committing to it. The director wasn’t happy with us and he tried to excuse us, but just for that day. We had to be invested in the project, especially when we were less than a month away from the recital. We quietly nodded and said that we were sorry and that it wasn’t going to happen again. 

As we left the auditorium I had tried to talk to Rae but she had put her headphones on and left quite quickly, giving me no chance of catching up. The party was going to be one extremely weird birthday party and I was already feeling low for that little girl.   
Rae’s little sister. Every time I found myself thinking about her I got angry again. I couldn’t believe she had been with me for two months, told me that she loved me, that I was enough for her, even when it was clear that I wasn’t, and that she had hidden something so important from me. Her sister was clearly a huge part of her and I hadn’t been enough to get to know her. Just when I thought she couldn’t take anymore of me, that happened. 

“Finn are we still on for tonight then?” I was about to enter my History class when April popped out of nowhere, putting her hand on my shoulder. Her touch made me feel sick, why did I have ever agreed to that fucking dinner? 

“Ehm yeah sure, but it’s just a meal April, don’t read too much into it, okay?”

“I know I acted like a jerk two years ago but I want to make it up to you, please Finn. No hard feeling tonight, okay?” 

“Yeah fine, whatever.” I wasn’t really paying attention to her like always, when she locked her lips with mine in a small and chaste kiss and I immediately pulled back, looking her in the eyes.  
“I told you, it’s just a fucking meal, why did you have to kiss me like that?”

“I’m sorry, it’s just habit I guess.”

“Habit? We haven’t seen each other in two years. I’m sorry, I don’t think this dinner is a good idea. We should cancel.”

“No Finn, please, I swear I’ll behave, I swear.”

“The thing is I love someone else and I can’t go out with you April. Not now, not ever.” It had been the first time I had said out loud that I was in love with Rae, even without pronouncing her name and that’s when it hit me: I was never going to be completely over her. At least not in the near future. 

“You’re just angry with me because of what happened with Max and I get it Finn, I do, you just have to give me another chance.” And with that she pushed me to the wall and kissed me with more passion, while I tried to push her away and she tried to keep me close, wrapping her arms around my waist.  
As if that wasn’t enough, Rae passed through the corridor and saw the entire scene and, as we locked our eyes I could see and feel her disappointment in me and that gave me enough strength to finally push April away from me.

“Don’t you dare put your hands on me again, April, do you hear me?”

“I just miss you Finn.”

“Yeah well, you’re gonna get over it.” I picked up my bag and went to my class. I was determined to apologize to Rae about what she had just witnessed even if I really didn’t need to apologize to her, but I had to get to my class. 

I tried to keep my head in the game but all I could think about was the look in her eyes. I hated to make her feel that way, to make her feel like what her and I shared meant less than nothing. It had been just three days and she had saw me flirting with Chloe and kissing April, although she had got it completely wrong about both situations.   
As professor Carter explained to us why and how World War II had started, as if we didn’t know already, I received a text from Rae. I was kind of relieved to think that she wanted to talk to me, even if it was to slap or insult me.

 

*Toilets. Now.*

 

“Excuse me, professor, I need to use the toilet if that were possible.”

“Oh Nelson, aren’t you interested in the beginning of World War II?”

“Oh… definitely sir. I just need to go to the toilet.”

“Right, go on then. And be quick!” I nodded and exited the room. Interested in World War II, yeah, sure. Like if there was a single guy in the world who would have preferred listening to an old man talking about the invasion of Poland rather than go to the toilet for a secret rendezvous with the girl of his dreams. 

As I made my way to the toilets, I felt a hand grabbing my shirt and bringing me into one of the bathrooms. Rae pushed me to the wall and, although the space was really small she managed to keep a certain distance between our bodies and it hurt me a little because I wasn’t used to be that near her and not being able to touch her. 

“I don’t know what game you’re playing here Nelson, and quite frankly I don’t even really care but, you’re not going to hurt my friend, are we clear?”

“What the hell are you talking about Rae?”

“Like you don’t know.”

“Actually, I don’t.” She could pretend not to be jealous all that she wanted but I knew the truth, I could read it in her eyes, she was still quite an open book to me.

“Flirting with Chloe, kissing your ex-girlfriend, I thought you were different.”

“I am.” She shrugged and whispered ‘right’ and turned her back on me, trying to get out of the toilet but I couldn’t let her leave making her believe the worst of me.  
“Please, don’t go, I really need you to understand something here.” She snapped and turned around again, facing me, and our bodies were almost touching.

“It’s all pretty clear to me Nelson. You like leading on a lot of girls around and that would be fine if one of my friends wasn’t involved.”

“Leading on? What the hell are you talking about? Chloe and I are just friends and this morning, when you saw us, we were just talking. Not to mention April, who kissed me without my permission and I got off her as soon as I could.”

“Do you honestly believe I’ll buy all of that crap?”

“It’s the truth Rae. I told you I loved you less then a week ago, how could I ever kiss or date someone else?”

“You know, I guess that’s what’s hurting me the most. I actually believed you when you told me you loved me and… finding out it was all fake, it really affected me.” How could she believe it had all been fake? We had been together in that relationship and she couldn’t really believe I was faking it. I had agreed about being her secret boyfriend, how was I fucking faking it? It wasn’t like I was getting something from it besides our love and time together. It hadn’t brought me anything but pain in the end, why would I have been faking it?

“Fuck you, Rae.”

“I am sorry? FUCK YOU NELSON.” Her yelling had brought our faces so close, there were now only a few inches separating our lips and I didn’t know what to do to prove her she was incredibily wrong about me and my feelings for her. I had to do something before she could get the chance of getting away from me, once more, and, forgetting all that had happened three days earlier, all that I had said to her about us being done for good, I locked our lips together and I pushed her to the wall. She didn’t even try to get away this time: we both wanted to be together again, we both had missed each other way too much and, as our lips touched and our tongues slipped into each other’s mouth, the passion between us heated up and while her hands where through my hair, entwining behind my neck and going up and down my back, my arms wrapped her and I picked her up, her legs around my waist, and I felt like we could explode from a moment to another.  
Once we were both out of breath, our lips parted but we stayed in the exact same position, knowing that we would have never had another moment like that.

“I thought you said we were done.”

“We could never be done Rae, I love you too much.” She cupped my face with her hands and placed her lips onto mine once again but, what should have been a chaste kiss, turned into a snog and soon enough we were out of breath again.

“I want you Finn.” Her words were like a whisper, her lips still wandering onto mine but I had heard her quite clear.

“What?”

“I want you.”

“I want you, too, Rae, you know I do, but I can’t, not like this.”

“Like what? In a public toilet?” Did she have just asked me to fuck her in the school’s bathroom? How were we even at that point? When we were actually together she didn’t even let me touch her like a proper boyfriend should do and now she was asking me to take her in a public toilet?

“No, I meant… with you being with someone else. I won’t do it anymore.”

“But you’re okay with kissing me like a possessed man in a public toilet, while I have boyfriend, aren’t you?” I knew she was teasing me but she had a point. I was being selfish and, no matter the fact that I really wanted to be inside her, I couldn’t do it anymore. I needed to change the subject and quickly. I put her down and she adjusted her clothes and her hair. Man, she was so damn beautiful. 

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have kissed you like that, you’re right.”

“It’s fine Finn, I didn’t push you back either, did I?” She smiled at me and made her way out the toilet when I grabbed her back. I wasn’t ready to let her go, I just couldn’t help myself.

“Why didn’t you tell me about your sister?” She was a few inches away from me and I could see the frowned look on he face. I had been correct; she really didn’t want me to know about her.

“How do you know about Marissa?” 

“So, her name is Marissa, isn’t it?”

“Don’t change the subject, who told you about her?”

“Chloe, I’ll be her +1 for the party today.” She pushed herself away from me and started shaking her head.

“You can’t come to the party.”

“Why not?”

“Because I don’t want you there.”

“You don’t want me there or Liam doesn’t want me there?”

“It’s the same thing.”

“Oh no, it’s quite different if you ask me. What’s all the secrecy about your sister Rae, seriously, I don’t get it.”

“It’s none of your business. Marissa is nobody to you, why should you come in the first place?”

“Because Chloe asked me.”

“And I am telling you, you can’t come. It’s my house and it’s my party.” I tried to get closer to her, I knew she was scared and confused but I really couldn’t understand why. Marissa was Rae’s sister, of course she was important to me.

“Why can’t you understand how I feel about you?”

“What does that have to do with my sister’s birthday party?”

“I want to be a part of your life, why can’t you let me?” She shook her head again and turned her back on me. I knew that meant that the conversation was over but I couldn’t just let her slip away from me again.

“Finn, I mean it. Find an excuse with Chloe and don’t come to the party.”

“Why are you shutting me out again?” She was still with her back to me and I needed her to look me in the eyes so I just went around her and I faced her, my arms around her waist and she kept her eyes to the ground.  
“Could you at least look at me, girl?” As I called her ‘girl’ again, she shyly smiled and looked back at me.  
“Liam can’t control your life. I’ll come to the party, leave a present for your sister and hang around with the gang. I won’t be bothering anyone, I swear.”

“No Finn. You can’t come.”

“For fuck’s sake, WHY NOT?” She released herself from my arms and got away running, leaving me no choice but to stand there like a fool. What was her fucking deal with ass-face? That guy made me want to kill him in a thousand different ways. He got the girl, her friends, her family, he got everything without deserving it, while I had to stand there and watch him living my life.  
There was no fucking way I wasn’t going to that party. 

I returned to my class and quietly waited for it to be over and, right after, I left college earlier than I should have and I went to buy a teddy bear for Rae’s sister. I wasn’t exactly sure about what to buy for a two years old baby girl and a teddy bear was all I could think about. I hid it in my school bag and went back to college, waiting for Chloe to come out.  
Rae had been right: I had been leading on Chloe without even totally realising it and it wasn’t fair but, if I had to be honest, the fact was that I actually liked Chloe. She had been kind to me and if Rae wasn’t willing to give me what I needed maybe Chloe would have been the right person. Not as a rebound but as a proper girlfriend.  
As she got out of college I tried to forget all about her and how pretty she looked and once she got onto my bike and put her arms around my waist, just like Rae used to do, I realized it felt different. Yes, I liked Chloe but I loved Rae and that wasn’t going to change overnight. 

We arrived at Rae’s house in 20 minutes and as I helped her getting down my bike she gave me a big smile. She was definitely into me way more than I was into her. I picked up the teddy bear from my school bag and we made our way to her house. It was weird to go back there, knowing that I wasn’t going to be there alone with Rae. It all felt extremely strange. Liam opened the door and once he saw I was there, he was incredibly pissed off.

“Hi Chloe. Nelson, what the hell do you think you’re doing here?”

“Be kind Liam, I invited him.”

“Yeah, but this is not your house, is it Chloe?” I was suddenly feeling ready to punch the guy, he had no right to talk to Chloe like that. I knew he hated me but there was no reason to be rude to her.

“Look, mate…”

“I’m not your mate, Nelson.”

“Fine, Harold. I just wanted to wish ‘happy birthday’ to Marissa and meet the gang, that’s all.”

“I’ll tell her you stopped by. Chloe you can come in if you want but you Nelson, are out.”

“Okay, just to be clear, this is not your house either, so why don’t you just call Rae out here?” Chloe had put a hand on my shoulder, knowing quite well I was about to loose it but, what she didn’t know was that Rae was going to be double pissed at my presence. Liam nodded and called Rae. The minute she walked to the door and saw me, she got red, her eyes went black with rage and I felt like she was about to punch me.

“What the hell are you doing here Finn?”

“Look Rae, I just wanted to give this teddy bear to your sister and see the others, honest, but your boyfriend here is causing trouble for nothing.”

“I told you, you shouldn’t have come here. I told you again and again. I need you to leave, now.”

“Rae, seriously, you’re acting like a child. Why don’t you and Finn call it for a day so he can come in?” 

“Chloe this isn’t really your business, so just stay out of it.” I hated to see Chloe getting insulted because of me. It wasn’t fair at all.  
“About you Finn, I want you out. NOW NELSON!” There it was again. Her hatred while she pronounced my last name. There was no sign of her being sorry about it, she was actually really pissed. I felt like there was no point in arguing any further and I gave Rae the teddy bear and, after smiling to Chloe, I made my way to my bike.  
I was about to leave when Chloe called for me. I turned my head and realized if I wasn’t going to the party, neither was she and, for the first time, I watched her like she was probably the only girl on the planet. There was no image of Rae popping in my head this time. There was just her. Chloe.

“Do you think we could go somewhere together? I am starving and I didn’t get any cake.” I smiled and nodded, handing her over an helmet and, once she was sitting behind me, I turned on my bike and we went to Starbucks. I remembered her telling me how much she loved their frappuccino and donuts, so I thought it would have been nice. For once, we were away from the pub, the gang, Rae and her fucking boyfriend. It was just her and me, and I was quite happy about it. Maybe I had it wrong about her: maybe she could have been my proper girlfriend without me constantly thinking about Rae. What was the point about pining over a girl who didn’t even want me to meet her sister?

As we got to Starbucks, I opened her the door and she was radiant, just like she had been previously the same morning and that’s when I realized she wasn’t radiant about meeting Marissa, but about meeting me. I made her feel that way. I made someone happy with my presence. Her kindness was so contagious that, after just 10 minutes, I had completely forgot about everything but her. She was really a special girl.

“I am really sorry about before. Liam and Rae shouldn’t have spoken to you like that.”

“Nah, it’s fine Finn. I was just looking out for my friend. I seriously don’t understand what she sees in him.”

“Yeah, tell me about it. I hate that guy.”

“I thought she was going to dump him after he hit you two months ago but nothing. She always forgives him.”

“Why do you think she does that? Does she loves him that much?”

“I wouldn’t call it love, but they really care about each other.” While we were talking, the waitress brought us two donuts and two frapuccinos. Her face got even lighter than before.  
“You remembered?”

“Of course, I hope that doesn’t make me a stalker or something.” She laughed at the idea and shook ‘no’ with her head.  
“It makes you really kind, thank you.” She reached out for my hand on the table and she squeezed it a little, releasing it right away and I felt like I couldn’t let he go, not just yet so we just stood there, holding hands, looking into each other’s eyes, drinking, eating and laughing for another two hours. Time was really flying with her and I had even got the chance to talk to her about April. I didn’t want secrets between us anymore than they already were.

“I need to go to the bathroom for a moment. Be right back.” I hated that I had to let her hand go and I was sure she felt the same. As she disappeared into the toilets, I got a message on my phone. 

 

*I need to talk to you. Where are you?* 

 

Rae. What the hell did she want now? I had got enough drama for one day.

 

*Starbucks. At the corner between Croft Road and Wedland Lane.*

 

I didn’t want her to ruin my afternoon with Chloe but it was the time to close our chapter. I had suffered enough for her and I had got enough of it.  
Chloe got out of the bathroom and got back sitting in front of me.

“Rae just texted me she wants to talk to me so I told her I was here, I hope that’s okay.”

“Oh sure, I’ll… well, I’ll just go then.”

“No, I don’t want you to go. Stay, it won’t be long.” She nodded and smiled at me, blushing a little. She was happy I didn't ask her to leave but she was feeling weird about Rae seeing us together. Probably because she was her best friend and she knew she hated me. If only she knew the all truth.

We stayed there for another 20 minutes before Rae arrived and, as soon as she watched over us, a bit of disappointment appeared on her face. I couldn’t handle her being jealous again. Not this time.

“I didn’t know you were on a date or I wouldn’t have bothered you.”

“I’m guessing this is going to be short so I don’t think you’ll ruin anything.” I had seen Chloe smiling a little when I hadn’t told Rae she was mistaken about us being on a date. Mainly because it felt like a date to me and I wanted her to know that.

“I wanted to apologize about before, that’s all.” I knew she wanted to say more but, because of Chloe, she couldn’t talk freely.

“Right, thanks Rae. Would that be all?”

“That… that would be all, yeah.”

“Great, see you at school then.” I turned around facing Chloe again, knowing perfectly Rae was still standing there. I knew I was acting like a knobhead but I couldn’t take anymore of Rae’s crap. One minute she was dead nice to me and next just totally rude. I thought we were getting on, I thought she had realized I actually cared about her but it was all a bunch of lies I had created in my mind.

“Actually no, it’s not all. Chloe would you mind give us a moment?” 

“This is not your house Rae, you can’t decide who stays and who goes.”

“Finn, I really need to talk to you.” As I shrugged, trying not to mind her, I found Chloe standing up from her seat, smiling at me. She was leaving and there was nothing I could say to make her stay.

“It’s fine Finn, I’ll see you tomorrow. Thanks for today.” I smiled and I gave her a kiss on the cheek. I would have probably kissed her on the lips if we had been alone but it didn’t seem quite appropriate, in front of Rae. She waved Rae her goodbye and left her and I alone sitting at the table.

“So much for not dating anyone while you’re still in love with me, huh?”

“Did you interrupt my date to actually say something or are you just gonna take the piss?” She looked quite confused and hurt but that didn’t stop her from going on with her speech.

“I asked you, pretty specifically, not to come to the party. Why did you have to come anyway?”

“Because I wanted to see my friends and I had promised Chloe I would drive her.” Her eyes widened and she started pinch at her skin on her left hand. She was probably nervous.

“You drove her with your bike?”

“Yeah, with what could I have drove her?” 

“It seems like you do the same things with all your girls, am I right?”

“You really are absurd Rae, you know that? I gave her a lift on my bike, so what? And it’s not like I should apologize to you about it. We are not a couple and yet, you act like a jealous girlfriend.”

“You’re right, we’re not. I just wanted to say ‘sorry’ for today and I said it, so I should just go.”

“So you made Chloe go just because you didn’t want to see us together, am I right?”

“I made her go because you are leading her on again. And I don’t want to see her hurt. She likes you, a lot.”

“I like her, too, Rae.” At the sound of those words, a tear escaped from her eyes, no matter how hard she had tried to keep it in. She whipped it away but not fast enough for me not to see it. I hated to see her crying, she still meant the world to me, no matter how hard I tried to convince myself that she didn’t.  
“I didn’t say it to make you cry girl.”

“Don’t call me girl. Don’t you ever call me girl again. You’re just full of lies Finn, you’re one big living lie and I can’t believe I jeopardized everything for you.” She stood up from her seat and left the place but I couldn’t let her go after what she had just said. What did she do because of me? I left some money over the table and went after her, trying to make her talk to me this time.  
As I got sight of her, I grabbed her and made her turn around to face me.

“What did you for me Rae, huh? WHAT?”

“It doesn’t matter now, because thank God, I stopped myself. You’re not worth it anyway.” She tried to get rid of me but this time she wasn’t going anywhere.

“I have all day here, Rae. What did you jeopardize for me?”

“Everything. My life, my believes, other people’s life. Everything was because of you and you are just like everybody else.”

“This is bullshit, and we both know it! I got admitted into a hospital because of you and I would have done it a hundred times more if it would have meant that I had to get the two months we got together. I told you that I loved you endless times while you gave me in return a bunch of ‘I know’. I don’t give a fuck that you know, I want to hear you say it.”

“But I couldn’t say it, can’t you see that?”

“Yeah, I do. You couldn’t say it because you didn’t feel it. The one time you told me that you loved me, you did it through the play, because like that you could give me something that would have kept me quiet for a bit.”

“I couldn’t say it because it hurt too much. I couldn’t tell you that I loved you because, leaving you, would have been terrific.”

“But why did you have to leave me in the first place? We loved each other, why couldn’t you dump him? What is keeping you this close to him? And don’t tell me it’s love because I don’t buy it.” For the first time since we were talking, she kept quiet. She wanted to tell me the truth but she was afraid of something, I could see it. 

“I can’t leave him, but it doesn’t mean that I don’t love you Finn, because I do.”

“This doesn’t make any sense Rae, we’re young, we have our all life in front of us. I understand he has been a huge part of your life, that you care about him but if you don’t want to be with him, you have to tell him.”

“I CAN’T!”

“BUT WHY NOT?”

“BECAUSE HE’S THE FATHER OF MY CHILD.” We hadn’t realized we were in the middle of the road, yelling at top volume. As the words had left her mouth, it felt like a train had ran me over. What was she talking about? She was 17, there was no way she had a child, especially with ass-face.

“What the hell are you talking about? A child?” She barely nodded and started shaking. I suddenly felt the urge of wrapping my arms around her and we sat on a bench, her head resting on my shoulder.  
“Well… this explains a lot. But, I still don’t understand, where is he?”

“It’s a she. It’s Marissa, Finn.”

“As in your sister Marissa?”

“As in my daughter Marissa.” 

“God, this is such a mess.” She kept crying on my shoulder, wrapping her arms around me as I tightened the grip. Everything was now clearer to me. The way she couldn’t leave him over me, the way she didn’t want me to see her sister, probably because Liam was jealous of me and didn’t want me to see his child. Everything started to make a sense.

“I am sorry I didn’t tell you the truth earlier Finn, I mean it.”

“Hey, it’s fine. I understand.”

“I wanted to tell you, so many times, but Liam told me I couldn’t. He knows how I feel about you and that we had been together these past months and he got jealous. He doesn’t want another man around her child.”

“Around you either.”

“No, it’s not like that. Liam and I, it was a one time thing, we don’t love each other, we never did. We got together once and I got pregnant. That’s why I kept telling you I wasn’t with him like I was with you.” She kept sobbing and she was trying to get everything out but she needed to take some deep breaths first.

“You need to calm down Rae, you can tell me all about it another time.”

“No, I need to do this now. That time when you saw me kissing him outside of school, I did it because I saw you were there, and I knew that you would have been pissed about it and asked me to choose between him and you. Marissa’s birthday was coming up and I asked him if I could bring you to the party but he got so pissed about it and he told me that it was enough having the mother of his child separated from him. He wouldn’t have tolerated my lover there, too.”

“God, why didn’t you tell me any of this? I could have done something about it. I could have talked to him.”

“To tell him what? He has the same right over Marissa as I do, and he’s not like he’s a bad guy. He really is a good friend, always taking care of his daughter, he wants to be a part of her life. Neither of us had planned this but it happened and he has been really supportive. We both have been raised by a single parent and we’re not doing it to Marissa, too. That’s why we’re stuck with each other.”

“That’s insane Rae. You can’t be with someone you don’t love for the rest of your life. Your daughter wouldn’t want that for you.”

“That’s because she doesn’t know what is like to grow up without a parent. I really wanted to be with you Finn, I wanted to be with you since the first time I saw you, three years ago, but I wasn’t brave enough to get to know you; besides, you were with April so it wasn’t like you could have noticed me. And now, after these two months, seeing you with Chloe made me realize I can’t drag you into this. I want to be with you but I can’t and it’s not fair to hold you back.” I picked up her face into my hands and placed a soft kiss on her lips. It was chaste and kind but it said more than we could with words.

“Why can’t you let me decide for myself about what I want?”

“Because you are good Finn and you would stick around for as long as I would ask you to but you can’t sacrifice for me.”

“Being with you it’s not a sacrifice at all. I love you Rae.”

“What about Chloe then?” I couldn’t lie to her, that wasn’t something I liked to do, especially to her.

“I like her, she’s a good friend and a nice girl but she’s not you, Rae.”

“She could be.”

“No, she couldn’t, trust me.” She got out from my hold and stood up, whipping a tear from her face.

“You need to let me go Finn, I will never leave Liam so there’s no chance for us. Not now, not in the future. Faith has decided for us and there’s nothing we can do.”

“Faith doesn’t decide for me Rae. I will fight for you.”

“NO YOU WON’T!” She didn’t want to scream but she was exhausted, I could see it behind her tears.  
“We are done Finn. No more sneaking in the toilets, no more secret kisses. Nothing. We are done.”

“I can’t let you go, can’t you see that?”

“I know, that’s why I am letting you go. Chloe is a good girl, Finn.”

“I don’t want her.”

“You will.” She crossed the street and left me there, hands in my head, quietly crying. I had got all wrong about her, about her situation with Liam, about Marissa. She was a mother, she had to become a woman way before she was supposed to be one. There was no way I could let her go on that path. She deserved to love and to be loved and, even if she wouldn’t have wanted me anymore, I needed to release her from Liam. No matter how good he had been to her and no matter how much I hated the guy, they both deserved to be happy. Happy with someone else.


	7. Chapter 7

"Come on buddy, you have to come with us."

"I've already told you Chop, I don't do well with people I don't know." Chop raised his hands in despair, he didn't know what to say to convince me to go to a stupid party. We were extremely close to Christmas and, apparently, the gang was used to throw a 'small' party at Chloe's house. After Rae and I had talked, two weeks earlier, we had arranged to tell people we were fine with each other being around and I had gained my friends back. Archie and Chop had told me right away they were very sorry to have picked a side but I had told them immediately I was fine and, to be honest, I would have been pissed if they hadn't stick around Rae. They were her friends first. Izzy and Chloe, mostly Chloe, were happy to have me back in their gang and, despite the fact that I was still deeply in love with Rae, my so called relationship with Chloe was moving slowly forward.   
Rae was hardly around, always finding excuses like homework and babysitting for her 'sister', but I knew she was just trying to seem busy so that she didn't have to be around me. The first days, especially when we had to tell the gang we were trying to be friends for everyone, being around each other without actually talking about important stuff, had been severely painful on both of us.  
I had tried to talk to her privately the next days but she had always bailed on our appointments until, one day, I had shown up unannounced at her place, where I had found her alone with her daughter. It was still extremely weird for me to think of her as a mother but I had no doubt she was doing an excellent job.   
Once she spotted me standing outside her house she had come opening the door and, no matter the fact that she had to seem pretty upset by my visit, I knew she was happy I was there. We had spent the entire afternoon together, acting like everything but lovers. It felt good just to be around her and, getting to know Marissa, made me realize how much I would have loved for her to be mine. I had never thought about having a family, at least not at that age but, being in the lounge with Rae and her beautiful daughter, made me want one. With her. My Rae.   
She had been kind all afternoon but, when I had brought up Liam and their relationship she had attacked me like a violent dog. All of a sudden, she wasn't the Rae I had grown to know and love. 

"I have already told you, it's none of your business what I do and don't do with my life. If you came here to tell me that I need to break up with him, you could have spared the trip."

"How can you say that? I know it's your life and I shouldn't have to get a say in this but..."

"Exactly, you don't get to have a say in this. Now, you should leave before Liam gets home. If he finds you here, with his child, he'll go insane."

"Marissa is your daughter, too. Don't you want me to get to know her? She's a part of you and, you know, I want all of you."

"You say that now..."

"I'll say it now, I'll say it tomorrow and the day after that, if you'll let me say it." She had decided not to give me an answer and got up from the floor, opening the front door begging me to leave, without really saying a word. After saying goodbye to little Marissa, I had got up and, after grabbing my jacket, I had got closer to the door and, consequently, to Rae. All I would have wanted to do was picking her up in my arms, telling her how much I loved her, how much she was beautiful and incredibly sexy, despite the fact that she was in her dressing gown. Instead of doing and saying all those things, I had just gave her a quick kiss on her cheek and she had blushed. I had got out and I had never seen her since. 

"Yo, Earth to Nelson. Are you there?" I hadn't realized, caught up in my thoughts, that Izzy was now standing where Chop had been until two seconds before, trying to get my attention.

"Izzy, if you're here to tell me about the stupid party, I've already told Chop, I'm not going."

"It's not exactly about the party but, well, it kinda is." I stood there, silent, raising an eyebrow, waiting for her to say or ask something.  
"Okay, the thing is, the party is at Chloe's house."

"I already know that."

"No, I mean, it's at Chloe's house and you can't NOT be there."

"Why is that?" She puffed and crossed her arms on her chest, keeping looking at me. If what she was doing was supposed to mean something, I wasn't exactly getting it. I wasn't famous to be smart about female looks and meanings.   
"Izzy, if you got something to say, than say it."

"Sometimes I feel like I will never completely understand you men. You are so weird."

"We are the weird ones now? You are the one standing there making strange noises and crossing your arms without actually saying a word." She put her hands on her face, covering the disbelief after listening to my words. Truth was, I had never been good at understanding girls, besides from Rae. Probably because with her I had actually tried to understand her. Because I cared.  
"Anyway, what did you want to say to me about Chloe?"

"That's the thing Finn, I can't actually say it, girl code."

"What's a girl code?"

"Oh for fuck's sake, forget it. You have to come to the party, because it's at Chloe's house and you are currently seeing Chloe." How could I have been than stupid? Of course, Izzy and Chloe were talking and, despite the fact than, nothing had happened between me and her, she had surely told her best friend about me. I wondered if she had told Rae, too, and that was why she was avoiding me but, I didn't have time to process any of that. I had to give Izzy an answer about that fucking party. 

"Chloe didn't tell me it was that important to her for me to be there."

"She really shouldn't say anything Finn." Deep down, I knew Izzy was right. If it was Rae we were talking about, I would have gone to that party in a heartbeat. It wasn't like I didn't care about Chloe, it was the fact that I still didn't want to lead her on and, despite our little rendezvous at Starbucks, two weeks earlier, I had realized I was in no position of getting to know another girl. I knew that Rae and I weren't going anywhere, with her so focused on keeping her relationship with Liam a permanent thing, but, with that said, I just couldn't picture myself with another girl. At least not when every time someone was talking about Rae, my mind would isolate itself to think about all the times we had been together. I couldn't be with Chloe and think about Rae. It wasn't right and it wasn't fair; most of all, it wasn't me at all.

"The thing is that, despite the fact that Rae and I are sort of friends right now, I don't think she will want me at a Christmas party. And sure as hell, Liam doesn't want me there, either."

"Well, that's a good thing that Liam is not invited then, isn't it? About Rae, I'm sure she'll be fine. I've talked to her yesterday and she told me that she thinks you and Chloe are a good match. She told me she was so wrong about you and she's trying to make amends for it. So, there: you should really come." I couldn't believe Rae had said all those things about Chloe and I. Picturing her with Liam was hurtful but realizing she was really shutting me out, as a boy and as a friend, was 100 times worse. She really wanted me to be with Chloe and she wanted to forget all about me and our time together. I knew she loved me as much as I loved her and I admired her for trying to build a family with the father of her child, despite the fact that she had never truly loved him but, pushing me into the arms of another girl, wasn't going to change the fact that I was in love with her and that I had meant what I had said to her: I was going to fight for her because she was worth it. We were worth it.   
Maybe this party, with Liam not being around, was my chance of proving her wrong. 

"Well then, you can count me in." Izzy smiled at me and clapped her hands. She was just trying to look out for her friend and I needed to be honest with Chloe; she really was a special girl and she didn't deserve to be treated like she didn't mean anything. She had been nothing but supportive and friendly since she had met me and, no matter the fact that she was acting like that, at least partially, because she fancied me, I owed her the same respect. 

"Izzy, I don't know how you did it but you have my total admiration." Chop was now hugging Izzy because she had conquered where he had had miserably failed. At first, when I still didn't know the gang, I had thought that Izzy and Chop were a couple, as well as Archie and Chloe but, now that they were actually my friends, I couldn't understand why Chop couldn't realize how much Izzy was in love with him. It was clear to everyone but him. She was a great girl and they would have been perfect together but, for some reason, he didn't realize that. Archie usually said that, unknowingly, Chop had friend zoned Izzy and she was hurting because of that but that we didn't have to get involved. They needed to sort that out on their own.   
As for Archie, I was feeling like he really wasn't into girls but, despite the fact that it was 2015, he still felt quite shy about revealing his true himself and, by doing so, he was missing out a lot of chances.   
"We're going to have the biggest Christmas party of the century!!! WOOOO-HOOO!!" Chop was yelling at top volume in the pub, still hugging Izzy and she was laughing out loud. They were definitely perfect for each other. 

"I still don't understand why we are doing a Christmas party, two weeks before the actual holiday." Chop and Izzy were now silent, looking at me and then looking at each other. They seemed shocked and confused by my question.

"I thought you knew we're not going to be here for Christmas."

"Oh, you're going on a holiday trip?"

"No, not me. We are." Chop had pointed the finger at me and then to both him and Izzy. I still didn't understand where this conversation was going. No one had told me I was going on a Christmas holiday but Chop and Izzy seemed positive about the fact that I was going with them.

"What are you talking about? Where are we going?"

"I'm sorry man, I thought, you know, now that you're finally friends, I thought she had invited you." Suddenly, everything became clearer. They were going on a holiday with Rae and, apparently she was the one who had organized everything. I shook my head 'no', pretending not to know who he was talking about.   
"We are going to Italy for the holidays. The original idea was Rome, then Archie said he wanted to visit Florence but Rae was determined and, in the end, we're going to Verona. You know, the city of Romeo and Juliet." I shouldn't have seemed so surprised but as soon as Chop pronounced Romeo and Juliet, I dropped my mouth in disbelief. She wanted to visit their town, our town. Fuck the party, that was my chance, definitely my chance. 

"Wow, I have never been to Italy. It must be beautiful. Do you think I should ask Rae if I can come?"

"Yeah, you can try that man, it really would be shit if you didn't come. I need my men with me. We can go conquer some italian chicks. I heard they are pretty beautiful." As soon as he talked about girls, Izzy gave him a soft punch to his arm. She was trying to look pissed because he was talking about girls like they were meat but, secretly, well, not that secretly anyway, she was really jealous.   
"Ouch, why did you do that Iz?"

"Why do you have to sound like a knob head every time? They are human beings, you know, not toys."

"I have to agree with Izzy on this one, man. Plus, even our girls here are pretty nice, too, aren't they?" Izzy smiled, knowing I was trying to help her out but, truth to be told, I couldn't believe there could have been a prettier girl than my Rae. Even in fucking Italy, the land of love. Or was that France?

"Fine, it's fine. I'll behave, I swear." He winked at me when Izzy wasn't looking and I shook my head at him, letting him know I didn't like how he was acting around girls. He assumed that Izzy would have been around him forever and I hated the fact that he was taking her for granted. One day he'll may open his eyes and realize he loved her since forever but didn't have the gut to tell her and, by then, it could to be to late.   
Anyone who actually has the chance of finding love, should jump right away of that ship. Love doesn't come around easily and often and I couldn't believe how much time was Chop wasting chasing around other girls when he had the perfect one already at his side.  
"There she is. I thought I wasn't going to see you before the party, girl." Chop suddenly shouted at a girl who was standing clearly behind me, and, as I turned myself around, I saw her: Rae, in all her beauty, had finally decided to join us in the pub. It wasn't like she was more beautiful than before but, there was just something else in her. She was brighter and happier than I had ever seen her and, just when I was about to greet her, she flung her arm around my neck and gave me a quick friendly kiss on the cheek. I wasn't used to this kind of EFFUSIONS from her, at least not in public and, most of all, not since our last talk at her place, but I welcomed her in, putting my arm around her waist. I was waiting for her to do the same with Chop and Izzy, but she didn't. 

"I've just been a little busy Chopper, but I am back for good."

"That's great Raemundo." I always kind of hated when Chop called her Raemundo. She could look like everything but a man so, what was the point in calling her with a boy name? I loved the fact that she would just shrug and laugh about it but, deep down, I could see that she didn't like it as much as I did.   
As Chop made his way to a table, Rae came closer and whispered in my ear if we could have a word. Having her that close to me wasn't easy and I had to use all of my self control to keep steady and calm. She was wearing a black vest, grey tights and a pair of boots. She looked ravishing and her hair was unusually laying on her shoulders without being wrapped up in some braid. It was long and darker than I had remembered, she had definitely done something to it and, despite I liked her more when she was just herself, she was looking beautiful like that, too. She was always perfect to me.   
I had followed her to the toilets and, once we were inside, she had locked the door behind her and we were now standing alone in a small room.

"I thought you said no more secret meeting in the toilets for us." I smiled, trying to make her understand I was only joking and I wanted to make things less awkward than they already were between us but, she wasn't having it. She clearly wanted to talk about something important.

"Chloe told about you two seeing each other..."

"There isn't much to say really. Nothing happened between us if that's what you were wondering." I really hoped that was what she wanted to talk about. That she wanted me to stop seeing Chloe, that she wanted me back, for good, that she was ready to leave Liam, that, this time that we had spent apart, had hurt her the same way it had hurt me, but, as usual, I was just overthinking. She shooker her head 'no' and looked at her feet for a brief moment. It felt like she wanted to say something but didn't know where to start.

"No, actually I wanted to tell you I am fine with that."

"Really?"

"Yeah sure, we are friends now, Finn. I want you to be happy, both of you."

"Right. Why don't you tell me the same thing again but, this time, make sure to look me in the eyes." She probably hadn't realized she was still watching everywhere but at me, probably because she knew she couldn't tell all those lies while looking at me. I knew she was trying to be supportive, since she couldn't see herself at my side but, I couldn't understand how she could even think I would have chose Chloe over her. And, most of all, I couldn't understand how a girl, who loves a guy, can just throw him into the arms of someone else. After a moment of silent, she raised her head and looked at me, trying to find the same words of before, but failing miserably.   
"You can't say it, can you?"

"Why are you making this so hard on me? Did you not understand what I said last time?"

"Of course I have, and I admire you for that, for trying to keep a family united, but... I love you, Rae, you know I do, how can I just stand there and pretend not to care, like you do? I am not as good as you are at lying." I didn't mean to sound rude and, luckily, Rae understood perfectly what I was trying to say.

"You really have no idea how much I love you Finn, don't you?" When she had found the gut to tell me about the fact that Marissa was her daughter and that she had loved me since way before I had even known she existed, she had mentioned her feelings for me but, right now, I could see in her eyes, she was deeply in love with me like I was with her and I could see the struggle she was facing by keeping faith to her believes.

"You never really told me Rae." She came closer and put her hands on my shoulders, resting his forehead onto mine. Our lips were inches apart but somehow, I knew we weren't going to kiss. She wanted to feel close to me but she couldn't risk getting involved again because, maybe, she wouldn't have had the strength of getting away and I certainly wouldn't have had it either.

"You are such an incredible guy, Finn. It seems like you have come here from another age. You always know what to say and how to say it, and, even if it sounds unbelievable to me sometimes, I know you really love me. I don't blame you for trying to get away from me and starting a new adventure with Chloe and, actually, although I have to admit it hurts, I want you to be happy and, since she's my best friend, I want her with someone who can truly love and appreciate her and, she couldn't have found a better man than you."

"You are right, Chloe needs a man who can truly love and appreciate her." She nodded as a tear came down to her face. She didn't know I wasn't finished.  
"But that man can't be me and I am telling her tonight." She raised her eyes to me, keeping her head resting on my forehead and I layed my eyes over hers. 

"What are you talking about? She told me she's really happy with you."

"Honestly, I have took her out a few times but nothing happened, we didn't even kissed. She needs a guy that loves her and I can't be that guy." She hugged me tighter and I could feel her being divided between being happy because she realized I loved her and only her and being devastated because she was in love with the man her best friend liked. I needed to talk to Chloe and, although I couldn't be completely honest with her about my feelings for Rae, I needed to tell her our 'relationship' couldn't go anywhere.

"You're not doing it for me, are you? I mean I know that you love me but you know how things are."

"I do girl and, truth to be told, I am doing it for Chloe. She has always been kind to me, I can't treat her differently. She doesn't deserve that." She nodded and released me from the hug. Once our bodies weren't touching anymore I could feel mine aching for the distance between us. She kept looking at me as I did, incapable of tearing my eyes away from her and she smiled again, this time, it was more like a laugh, but a teasing one.

"I am trying very hard to keep a reasonable distance Finn."

"Yeah, I can see that. So, do you think we should go back to the others? You know, to avoid anything that might happen?" 

"Yeah, we should do that." She was the one standing in the way of me getting to open the door and, although she had agreed to go back to Chop and Izzy, she didn't move of an inch. She knew, once that door would have been open, our tension would have been exposed to everyone so, it was clear we needed to cool it off, first. But, how could I do that with her, a few inches away from me, looking desperately hot in that black vest?

"Maybe I should go first Rae and you can, I don't know, use the toilet for real."

"Yeah, we should do that." She still didn't dare to move and kept staring at me. I suddenly felt uncomfortable. I wanted to kiss her badly but I knew, she would have regret it, in the end and, I didn't want that. I wanted her to be sure of being with me. I needed to be the strong one in that situation but it was bloody difficult.

"If you keep saying 'we should do that' and then, you don't move, we're going to be in here forever." She smiled and came closer to me. Things weren't looking any easier than before.

"Would that be that bad, Finn?"

"No, no, I mean... definitely not. But we can't Rae."

"They won't notice us being gone." She kept coming closer and she put her arms around my waist, pushing me to the wall. Her lips were quickly on my neck, working their way up and down and I could feel his tongue escaping her mouth, tracing shapes on my skin. I tried to push her away but the want I had for her was taking the best of me. My arms wrapped her automatically and, with a quick move she was now laying on the wall, her face cupped in my hands. I looked in her eyes for a second and, as I went to kiss her lips, something inside of me, stopped me. I knew, deep down, this was wrong of us, but I didn't know I could have actually find the strength to stop myself from kissing her.

"We can't do this Rae. As much as we both want this, it can't happen. You said it yourself." She looked at me, knowing I was right and, despite the fact that she wasn't actually talking to me, I knew she was grateful I had stopped it before it went too far.

"These past weeks, being away from you, has being so hard Finn, you have no idea."

"Believe me girl, I do." I stroked her cheek and she found comfort from my touch. How could have we go on with this, us being apart, when all we wanted to do was actually being together?

"When Chloe told me you and her had gone out again I felt so angry, Finn. Angry and sad. I can't have you and you have to be happy with someone, I mean who am I to tell you what to do?"

"You are the woman that I love." She smiled at me. She knew I was being real honest about my feelings but she was still trying to do the right thing for her daughter.

"I really hope you can find someone else to love as much as you love me right now. And I hope she'll know how lucky she is."

"I could never love another girl like I love you, Rae." I placed my lips on her forehead and then I got closer to her ear, whispering something that it was only hers to keep.  
"Let me promise you one thing: I will find a way out of this, I swear. You and me, we'll have our happy ending, I promise you." She entwined her hands on my neck, keeping me close to her and we stood like that for a couple of minutes, breathing each other scent.   
"You know, I had never thought I could turn into the romantic guy."

"I have always knew you would, dickhead."

"Oh really, and why is that?"

"You read Shakespeare, Nelson. There isn't much else to add to that, really." 

"Talking about Shakespeare, I need to ask you something."

"Sure, spit it out."

"I know you guys are going on a trip for the holidays and I was wondering if I could come, too. I know you'll have to check in with Liam first but..."

"Liam is not coming with us. Someone needs to look after Marissa." At that news, we were gazing at each other again, knowing there was absolutely no way we could have kept our hands off each other on our trip. All of our self control wasn't going to be enough. We needed to sort things out first and trying not to spend much time together. It felt strange to think that, not even 20 minutes before that conversation, I had thought about winning her back right on that holiday in Italy and now I was thinking about keeping my hands off her. I was so lunatic sometimes.

"So, do you think we can do this?"

"If you can keep your hands to yourself Nelson, I think we can manage."

"Hey, you were the one seducing me five minutes ago." She blushed and covered her face with her hands but I quickly removed them, I wanted her not to hide from me.  
"Not that I minded girl."

"If you keep calling me girl and looking at me like that, how can I stop trying to seduce you?"

"You can't, I am irresistible, Earl."

"When did you become so brave, Nelson?"

"When I realized I needed to change to conquer the girl of my dreams."

"You don't need to change for me, Finn."

"Who said I was talking about you?"

"You're such a dickhead sometimes."

 

_________________________________

 

Saturday had finally arrived and, the party I had desperately tried to avoid, as well. Except for the fact that now I was looking forward to it. Liam wasn't going to be there, Chloe and I had finally talked and things were definitely good between us. She had been extremely comprehensive about us and she had told me she was fine with us just being friends. As I already knew, she really was a special girl, and, with her words, she had confirmed it once more.   
If I hadn't met Rae earlier I would have probably ended up with Chloe and I would have even been happy with her but, now that I knew what love was, I couldn't have just kept leading on Chloe, pretending to love her when all I had for her was affection. She would have found the right person someday and she would have been happy like I hoped I would have been, too, with Rae. 

I had almost six months before my A-levels and thinking about moving away to go to Uni was now something frightening. As the final year at college had begun, I had waited for it to finish, to finally get away from all the garbage I was facing at school but now, with the gang and, most of all, Rae, I was looking at university as some way towards hell. I still wanted to go, obviously, my future was waiting for me and I couldn't miss the opportunity, although my grades were still bad, but, did I really want a future away from Rae?  
I knew she would have just told me to go and to live my life since we couldn't live ours together but, I couldn't imagine live without seeing her every day.   
Anyway, I still had six months before the end of college and I needed to enjoy every second of it. Especially that night; I couldn't wait to see her at the party and I knew I needed to make a move. I needed to make her realize she could have been happy with me and that I would have loved her daughter just as much as I loved her. It was 2015 and there weren't many regular families around. Marissa would have had one mum and two dads and she would have been happy and loved. She just would have had more people around her, ready to protect her. I just needed Rae to understand that and we could have started our adventure together maybe already in Italy. Not to mention that the play was one week away and we could have had the excuse of rehearsing together. Everything seemed to be perfect, maybe a little too much.

"Finn, there's a girl at the door, waiting for you." My dad was calling for me from downstairs but I couldn't understand which girl could have been waiting for me. Izzy and Chloe were already at her house and it couldn't have been Rae, either. I made my way to the front door to find Chloe standing there. What was she doing there when she was hosting a party at her place in less than an hour?

"Hey stud, can I talk to you for a second?" She always made me smile when she called me 'stud'. It was halfway between the tease and the truth but it made me laugh every time. There was someone out there who considered me a stud and wasn't afraid to say it. I nodded and led the way to the kitchen. I had the feeling she wanted to talk to me alone but it was to cold to be outside and we weren't in the right position to take her up to my room.

"I thought we were all meeting at your place in one hour, what changed?"

"Nothing, the party is still on."

"Oh, okay. Then, what are you doing here? I don't mean to sound rude, I'm just asking." I smiled at her to make her understand I wasn't upset by her visit and she smiled back.

"I just wanted to ask you something without everyone else being around."

"Oh, okay, what is it?"

"Why did you decide to end things with me? I mean, I know we weren't exactly dating or anything but I thought we were getting on." I knew this was a conversation we would have going to have at some point but I didn't think through a right answer. I couldn't tell her about Rae and I didn't want to lie to her. 

"The thing is that I think we would be better off as friends."

"I just want the truth, Finn. If you're not interested in me, if you don't think I'm enough for you, you can say it, I already knew it anyway."

"What are you talking about? You're an amazing girl Chloe, it's just that, well, I like someone else. I'm sorry, I know I should have said it sooner." She raised her eyes to mine but she didn't seem upset or sad about my confession. Maybe I just owed her the truth and she had come to recollect it. 

"It's Rae, isn't it?" 

"Rae and I are just friends." I didn't want to lie to her but I couldn't admit our relationship, either. I had hoped no one had realized about my feelings for her but, clearly, Chloe had. The last thing I wanted to do was hurt her but I had the feeling that it wasn't possible. I just hoped she had a simple crush over me and that she didn't have developed any kind of love.

"That doesn't mean you can't fancy her. And she likes you too, I can see that." She brought her hand on the back of her hair and laughed.  
"That's insane, I am standing here telling you that the girl you like, likes you back. I am hopeless."

"You are just a good girl, that's all. Anyway, I didn't end things with you for her, believe me. It's just the you deserve to be loved and I can't do that, and, I am sorry, believe me."

"You are good, too, Finn and, that's why I am saying this. Rae will never leave Liam, don't know why, but that's how things are. Don't get your hopes up. Okay?" I knew she was trying to look out for me just like a true friend would have done. I wasn't mad at her for her honest talk, she was right about Rae and Liam but, I just needed to fight for her, I couldn't just give up on us.

"Thank you for being such a great friend, you really are." I opened my arms to her and she accepted my hug. I hoped we could have remained friends, I didn't want to loose her but I could have understood if she didn't want to be that close to me.

"Right, are you ready to make some noise then?"

"Yeah, can't wait. I'll try not to trash the place." She laughed and gave me a punch on the stomach. I pretended it had hurt and she laughed even more.

"You're such a girl, Nelson."

"So I have been told. Come on, you're gonna be late at your own party." I put my jacket on and we made our way to the car. We were laughing and having a good time as always when she suddenly stopped walking like as if she had seen a ghost. I looked in the same direction as she was and I saw a group of older guys. Maybe she knew someone among them that she didn't like or, maybe, there was an ex boyfriend. One guy, typical ass-face, was staring at her and she was petrified from him.  
"Chloe, what's happening?" She kept remaining silent when the guy made his way towards us.

"I knew you would have found your way back to me. I told you, you would have been back." I could see she was trying not to cry and she was visibly frightened by him. He really seemed like a piece of shit and I felt the urge to protect her from him so I put my self in the middle.

"I don't know who you are but I think you should leave."

"Oh, you hired a bodyguard Chloe? He's not going to keep me away for long, you know that."

"I'm not her bodyguard, I am her boyfriend, and you should piss right off." I didn't know why I had introduced myself as her boyfriend but it seemed the only thing to put him off for good. Instead, he stood there, looking at us, laughing like a freak.

"God, how can you stand her, mate? She's a bitch, you should flee while you still..." I couldn't have stayed there another moment listening to that knob head talking to her like that and I hit him in the face. I didn't like fighting to resolve things but that guy just made me punch him until there was nothing left of him.   
I could feel Chloe's hand on my shoulder, asking me to stop, that he wasn't worth it but I couldn't let him get away after what he had said to her and I hit him some more until I saw his friends come to the rescue and I took Chloe under my arm and led her to the car, driving faster that I could.

"Who was that piece of shit Chloe?" She kept being quiet and I could see her shaking. I put her hand on her shoulder and, once we were far away from those guys, I stopped at the side of the road.  
"Hey, it's okay, nothing is gonna happen to you."

"He's always going to find me, you heard him."

"Who is he?"

"A sort of ex-boyfriend." I couldn't understand why a girl so kind and caring like Chloe could have been fascinated by a guy like him. What had she saw in the jerk?  
"We dated last summer for a brief period, the darkest one of my life. I did things... I'm not proud of." She was now sobbing, keeping her hands on her face.

"Hey Chloe, whatever happened it's over now. You got away and I'll be there every time you'll need me." She nodded, whipping away some tears and I handled her a tissue. I hated seeing a girl crying but, only imagining what she must had been through with that guy, made my heart ache. She deserved nothing but respect and kindness, she was a great girl and I was happier than before to have taught him a few manners.   
"Do you want me to call the others and tell them the party is off'?"

"No, Ian has already ruined enough of my life, he's not going to ruin my party, too." I nodded and hugged her. I admired her bravery, in her place, I wouldn't have been so inclined to have a party after seeing the one person who had ruined my life. But she was something else, she really deserved to spend a quiet night with her friends and I would have done anything to make her feel comfortable. 

"Then, let's have some fun girl, okay?" She nodded and put her belt on. Her house wasn't that far and we arrived at her place in less than 10 minutes. I was really hoping she could have enjoyed herself but I would have been around her all evening, just to make sure she was okay.

"Don't tell the others though, okay Finn?"

"Sure, it will be like I wasn't even there Chloe, I swear." She softly smiled and went to unlock her front door. The others were already inside, included Rae and Liam. What the hell was he doing there?   
As soon as Chloe spotted him, too, she came closer to whisper to my ear.

"Seems like we're going to have a rough night, stud."


	8. Chapter 8

"Where the hell did you two go? I thought we were going to have this party without you." Everyone was staring at us, while we were taking are jackets off. I was absolutely sure they had got the wrong idea about us and, although I was afraid that Rae would have been thinking about me and Chloe together, that night, I couldn't exactly leave Chloe on her own to explain Rae nothing was going on between us. I had told her over and over again how much I loved her and, if she was still having doubts about that, I couldn't have done anything for her, even if I wanted to. 

"I just thought I should've picked up Finn, just in case, you know..." Chop, as always, had got it all wrong, and started making weird noises at us, while we rolled our eyes at him. Rae and Liam were sitting on the couch and I could already feel the blood in my veins rushing out. I hated seeing them that close, most of all because I was jealous of him, of the fact that he could hold her hand whenever he preferred, but also because it wasn't fair, to either of them, being trapped in a relationship without love.  
No matter how much I despised Liam, I had always thought that everyone deserved love and, although I was pretty sure Liam was actually in love with Rae, I knew she wasn't and that was what was wrong with them being together. I could have made Rae happy as she made me every time she would walk through a door and he would have found someone who could have done the same for him.  
Izzy clapped her hands and told Chop to stop bothering us and they both went into the kitchen, probably to prepare the last few things for the party. Archie was in charge of the music for the night and, after looking one last time to Chloe, just to make sure everything was okay with her, I joined him.  
I was more of a vinyl kind of guy while they were more into YouTube and Spotify. I couldn't understand why, no matter how far we were going with the technology, the sound of the music was more and more cheaper than before. Not to mention the fact that Chloe's playlist, which was what we were stuck for the night, was all about Taylor Swift and Katy Perry. Nothing against them but, that is not music. 

"Arch, how can they listen to this kind of stuff?"

"You don't like Taylor Swift, mate?" I raised my eyebrows at him and he laughed but, I knew, he was a real fan of that girl. It wasn't like her music was bad, I did find some of her lyrics quite interesting but , she was just too mainstream for my tastes.  
As soon as 'Shake it off' started off, Arch and I witnessed the girls gathering in the lounge and dancing like no one was watching them. I loved that they were so comfortable around us. Despite Liam's presence, we were a real gang, a real group of friends. Archie gave me a look, trying to convince me to go dance with them but, dancing wasn't really my thing.  
"Come on I saw you moving at school, you're good mate." The school party. I had almost forgot it had happened in front of everyone since, to both me and Rae, it had seemed to be alone in the room. 

"It's just not my kind of music Arch, that's all. Maybe the next one." He nodded at me, knowing he couldn't say anything to convince me to do otherwise and went to dance with the girls. Chop had joined them, too, while the only one still sitting on the couch was Liam. Despite the fact that I was still thinking about talking to him or not, he approached me and he seemed pretty comfortable around me.

"How's everything going on, Nelson?" Why was he talking to me?

"Alright, I suppose." I wasn't exactly in the mood to talk with the guy who was destroying any chance of happiness with my Rae and I decided it was time to make him understand I wasn't going anywhere and that I would have fought for her.  
"Just to make it clear to you, I am not going anywhere."

"What are you talking about? I didn't ask you to leave."

"Right, pretend like you don't know."

"Actually, I don't." I could see Rae looking at us while dancing and I knew she was concerned about me but I couldn't stand there anymore, watching at him talking the piss out of me like I was a puppet in their story.

"I know about you and Rae and... Marissa." I whispered the name of his child, I didn't want the others to know but, as soon as I said it, I wished I would have bitten my tongue out. Liam wasn't probably supposed to know I knew all of that and now, because of me, Rae and him would have been fighting.

"I didn't know Rae told you about that. She must be trusting you a lot."

"She does, you know she does."

"Look mate, you got this all wrong. Truth, Rae and I have a daughter but, it's not like I am forcing her to be with me. We made a pact long before Marissa was born. We decided to stick together no matter what, for her sake, not for ours. We made a decision for her, we put HER first. I don't expect you to understand, how could you, you don't have any kids but, once you do, your all life changes. You need to do what's best for her and, right now, she needs her parents together." 

"Of course I understand and, I admire you for what you're doing but, like I said to Rae, you both deserve happiness."

"Who says I'm not happy with her? She's my best friend." I knew he would have said anything but the 'f' word but, right in front of me, he could have not risked to jeopardize everything. It was extremely clear now that he was in love with Rae, just like I had always supposed and, that was why he was okay with that situation.

"If you'd really care for her you would have known she's not happy with you and you would let her go."

"Look, you want to be with her? Fine, be with her. But, at the end of the day, she'll come back to me." What was he talking about? He knew about us wanting to be together and he was fine with that? How could he be fine with that while he was that much in love with her?

“You just don’t get it, do you? She stays with you because of Marissa, not because she wants you.”

“Well, anyway, we’re in this together and I am not going anywhere either.” I was about to going on about it all night long but, with the corner of my eye, I spotted Rae coming towards us. She was extremely pissed off but she was trying her best to keep calm, avoiding making a scene in front of her friends.

“What the hell is going on here? Music is a top volume and we can hear you perfectly from over there!” She was whispering, trying to keep the others out of our argument but I was positive they were more interested in us than in Taylor Swift.  
Rae kept looking between Liam and me, waiting for an answer neither of us wanted to give her.  
“Seriously? None of you has nothing to say to me?” I felt like all I wanted to say to her got stuck in my throat and, apparently, the same thing was happening to Liam. At least, he wasn’t getting away with this, either. Rae was still looking at us, unsure of what to do about us and our situation. She knew it wasn’t anyone’s fault and that it needed to end, preferably sooner than later but, I could tell she was unsure about what to say next and, just like that, I found my voice once again. Seeing her panicking and struggling just gave me enough strength to talk.

“We were just talking Rae. Turns out we both don’t like Taylor Swift.” She shyly smiled at me, grateful that I had come to the rescue and Liam took the bait and followed after me saying that I was right.

“I’m glad you two buried the hatchet then.” Rae raised her voice a little, just to be sure the others had listened to that and put her arm around Liam’s neck and guided him upstairs. I knew she was probably just talking to him about the little show we had put on but still, I hated when she touched him first. For the time we had been together she had been that brave only a few times, I was always the one making the first move but, with him, she was so much more spontaneous. I hated to think that they had been intimate enough to generate a new life.  
Since I had discovered Marissa was their daughter, despite I loved that little girl, I had found myself being jealous of her. She was basically the reason that was keeping Rae and I apart and, although I loved Rae even more for being such a great mother, I couldn’t help to think sometimes that, if they had just been more careful, this wouldn’t have happened and that Rae and I would be happy right now.

“You’re okay, stud?” I was so caught up in my thoughts that I hadn’t seen Chloe reach out to me. Izzy, Chop and Archie were still dancing, this time to a Katy Perry’s song, which I didn’t recognized, and Chloe had taken advantage of the quiet moment to find out if I was okay. 

“Yeah, I suppose. How are you?”

“All’s good now, thanks to you.” I smiled at her and she rested her head on my shoulder. I loved how intimate we could be without necessary being involved in a romantic relationship. I never wanted to loose the friendship that linked us and I was happy she didn’t want that either. It didn’t feel like she was trying to win me back by staying close to me, she was just being supportive and she knew I wasn’t okay after the fight with Liam.  
“What did ass-face want from you anyway?”

“Nothing, just wanted to talk and clearing some things out.”

“I really don’t understand how she can prefer him to you. I genuinely don’t.”

“Because I am that real of a charmer, aren’t I?” 

“Don’t flatter yourself that much now, Nelson, I was just saying…”

“I know what you were saying, thanks.” Even if I couldn’t exactly see her face from where I was standing, with her wrapped around me, I could feel her laughing and nodding. Then, in a split second, she turned her head to me and looked me in the eyes. I hadn’t know her that long but I knew when she was up to something and right there, in that moment, she was plotting against someone.

“I know what we should do Finn.”

“I’m suddenly afraid of you, Chlo.” She slapped me on my shoulder and shook her head at me.

“No, it will be perfect trust me.” She made sure to come close enough to be able to whisper to my ear something I didn’t quite understand and, once I shook my head to her to let her know I had no idea what she was talking about, she just placed, chastely, her lips onto mine. At first I thought about pulling away but I could feel it wasn’t an actual kiss, it was more like a peck. Once we parted she made sure she kept her eyes on mine, because she knew the others were watching at us, thanks to Chop’s whistling. 

“What are you doing?” I tried to smile at her, to make sure the others didn’t think like she was pushing me into something I didn’t want and, once they were back at dancing, I asked her what she was about.

“We have to pretend we’re together so, Rae will get jealous and she’ll dump him.” I knew she wasn’t exactly happy about us pretending to be together since I had recently turned her down but I knew she was just trying to help me out.

“I don’t know about this Chlo, wasn’t she the one who told you she was fine with us hanging out?”

“Yeah, what else could she say?” Chloe had her point but I wasn’t happy about this, I knew she still had feelings for me and being with me all the time, even if it was all a lie, would have just gave her the hope that something real might have happened.

“I really don’t think this is a good idea, Chlo. I think we should just leave things as they are.” She knew she didn’t have to push it so she just nodded at me, smiling, and took off to dance with Izzy and the boys.

___________________

 

Rae and Liam stayed upstairs for an hour but, to me, it felt like it was a lifetime. What did they have to talk about for an entire hour?  
Once they finally decided to join the party, I spotted Liam looking for his jacket and, once he found it, he got out. Was he seriously leaving her at a party, on her own, while I was around? I was excited about having her to myself but I just couldn’t understand why he would have just left her there.  
As soon as he left, she sat next to me on the couch, asking me to dance with her and the rest of the gang. 

“I’m really not the dancing type, Rae.”

“Did you forget who you’re talking to, Nelson? We danced together at college.” She sank in the comfort of the couch, our bodies barely touching but I could feel they were pretty close. I leaned in, closing the distance between us and I watched as our hands collided. We knew we were basically in front of everyone we loved but we didn’t care. We just wanted to be in the moment and we were too invested in each other to mind everything else.

“I did not forget, it’s just that this music sucks.” She raised her eyebrows at me, pretending to be hurt by my words.

“I know you’re an Oasis lover but, Taylor Swift rocks, trust me. She’s a queen.”

“If you say so, Earl. I thought you loved Oasis as well.”

“I do, believe me I do but, she’s probably the only female artist I like about this new music era so, let’s go dancing Mr. Grumpy.” She held her hand out to me and I took it without thinking to much about it. In a moment we were among the others, dancing, laughing, having the time of our life until 1 AM. I didn’t think, after my nan’s passing, that I would have enjoyed the holidays again, but, thanks to the gang and, mostly Rae, I had learned that it’s okay to be happy even when the woman you loved the most in your life has abandoned you. She had to leave and I had to live my life, even without her by my side.

“God I am so fucking devastated, I need to go home.”

“You and me both, Arch. Come on guys, let’s go.” Archie, Chop and Izzy were knackered after the party, probably because they had drank every little drop of booze that had remained around in Chloe’s house. They said their goodbyes and Rae and I stayed to help Chloe clean up a bit the mess we had created.  
Chloe had been right; after the encounter with that piece of shit, the party had been good on her, she was visibly relaxed even if she was tired like the rest of the gang. 

“Chlo, why don’t you go up to the bed? Rae and I can finish cleaning up on our own.” I quickly looked at Rae, to see if she was okay with that but, even if she did nod at Chloe, I knew something was bothering her and I wasn’t sure if it was me or it was about her argument with Liam.

“No Finn, it’s my place I couldn’t ask you to do that.”

“That’s good you’re not asking, then. Go have some sleep Chlo.” She smiled at us and went upstairs, shouting ‘thank you’ something like 10 times.  
Once Rae and I were alone, I got closer to see what was going on with her but she immediately raised her eyes at me, almost begging me to stop walking over. I froze, unsure about what that look was actually meaning for us and she returned to clean up the kitchen.

“What’s up girl? You know you can talk to me about everything.”

“I am fine, Finn. Could you pass me the broom, please?” She talked to me without turning around and that was enough for me to know everything was wrong. I picked up the broom and handed it over, while stepping closer to her and making her turn around to grab it.  
“We have to clean up and I need to go back home, Finn.”

“I’m not doing anything Rae, I’m just giving you what you asked. If you want to go, I can stay and clean up myself.” I didn’t want her to leave, just when we were finally together and alone but I wasn’t in a mood for a fight after such a long night.  
She shrugged at my words and kept on cleaning up.  
She didn’t want to leave either.  
“Look, babe…”

“I can’t do this Finn, not right now.” Just as my words had left my mouth, she had turned around to face me again but she didn’t want to talk at all. She wanted to be with me but she didn’t know how to do it and it seemed like all I did was complicating things for her when all I really wanted was to make her happy.

“Just tell me what I can do for you and I will.”

“You care about her, don’t you?”

“Who are you talking about?”

“Chloe.” Rae pronounced Chloe’s name in a whisper and looked down at her feet. She didn’t want to start another fight but I could already tell she was jealous of her. I couldn’t understand why she kept on doubting me and my love for her. In any other occasion, I would have proven wrong, I would have just grabbed her and kissed her so passionately that she wouldn’t have even remembered Chloe’s name but, this time, was going to be one of those times. I was fed up with her doubts and questions. She was brave about everything but us and I was starting to think it was because she didn’t care enough.

“Rae, look at me.” I didn’t want to sound harsh but she needed to understand how things were, once and for all. She, however, wasn’t of the same advise, and she kept on looking down.  
“I said, look at me!” A tear escaped from her eyes but she kept her position, this time, looking at her hands, looking at everything but me.  
“Fine, do whatever you want. This is the last time, and I mean it, Rae, the last time, we talk about this. I love you, not Chloe, not April, not everyone else. I love you, and it kills me to think that you don’t believe me when I say I do.” She still wasn’t looking at me but I knew she was paying attention to my speech because I could see her heart beating faster than before.  
“From the first time I saw you I knew you were amazing I just didn’t know how much until we talked and became closer. The time we had spent together has made me realize how much you mean to me and, you know me well enough to know that I would never say that I love you if I didn’t mean it.”

“I love you, too.” That was the first time she was saying it properly. It wasn’t a ‘you know, I do’ it was a real statement. She still wasn’t looking me in the eyes but I knew she wasn’t lying. Every time I had doubt her and her love for me, had just been blown away by her words. I cupped her face with my hands but she still didn’t want to look at me.

“Why won’t you look at me, girl?”

“You haven’t answered my question, yet.”

“Are you serious now, Rae? I just told you I love you, for fuck’s sake.” I didn’t want to tell her about Chloe meeting her ex because it wasn’t for me to tell but I couldn’t just drop the talk like that.  
“Yes, I care about Chloe, I care about her as a friend. I care about her because she has always been supportive, kind and nice to me. I care about her because we are close and she ‘s going through a tough time right now, but I care about her as a friend. I love you and only you.” She smiled at herself, still looking down but I was done with that crap. It felt like we were little kids and I wasn’t a child anymore. I pulled her chin up but she wasn’t fighting me this time and once our eyes locked, she pressed her lips firmly onto mine.  
She completely took me by surprise but I returned the kiss, happy to have her back with me, even if it was for a brief moment.  
She was pulling me to her with a bravery and a love she had never shown before. We both needed to be there for each other in that moment and, it was in time like those that I didn’t understand how she could sacrifice what we had to be with Liam.

“I love you so much.”

“I love you too, girl. You know I do.” Our lips were inches away and we both could feel our breathing getting shorter. My shirt was wrapped in her hand and my arms were holding and blocking her firmly against the counter. 

“I’m sorry I flipped out before, I just saw how concerned you were about Chloe and I saw red.”

“I like it when you’re jealous.” She slapped me across the chest and tried to slip away from me but I just tightened the grip a little more and she was back in my arms in a second, laughing.  
“So, what are we going to do Rae? I know you don’t wanna talk about this but we’re off to Italy in two weeks.”

“That’s why I was so upset before. I thought we could have used our trip to make things official but…” She kept on talking but I had stopped listening once she had pronounced the word ‘official’. She was in a relationship with Liam, how could have we made things official if she was still involved with Liam at the eyes of everyone else?

“I’m sorry what did you just say?”

“I broke up with Liam.” 

“But I thought… you said… I mean, I don’t understand. You said you would have stayed together no matter what. You said there was no chance for us, what changed?” I knew it sounded like I didn’t want to be with her and that I wasn’t happy of her decision but I just didn’t understand when and how she had broke things with him.

“You… you don’t seem to happy about it, Finn.”

“No, no of course I am. You have no idea how many times I have dreamed those words to come out of your mouth but, I just… when…”

“Earlier. When I took him upstairs I told him we were done because I was in love with you and I wouldn’t have sacrificed myself anymore.”

“You told him you love me?”

“Yeah, because I do and, he did try to make me change my mind but I...” I didn’t even let her finish talking that our lips were locked together, once again. I couldn’t believe everything I had always wanted had finally become truth. The girl of my dreams, the love of my life, my Rae, was finally mine, for real. No more sneaking around, no more fighting over ass-face, no more pretending not to love and care about each other. We were finally a couple and she was mine as much as I was hers.  
I was so caught up in that kiss that I hadn’t even realized my shirt had hit the ground and I had to pull away from her. I wouldn’t have made love to her in Chloe’s house.

“I think we should stop here, babe.”

“Right, it wouldn’t be nice doing it h… here.” She blushed as soon as she realized what she had just said and I placed a quick kiss on her cheek, just to be sure she knew I wasn’t embarrassed of what she had just said. I wanted her just as much as she wanted me and, in that moment, watching her blushing, I just knew I would have want her forever.

“I promise you, once we’ll decide to be together like that, is going to be special. Just as special as you are to me, girl.”

“You’re such a dickhead, Nelson.”

“Why am I dickhead now?”

“Just because you are.”

“If you say so, love.” She pressed her lips to mine once again and then we went back to clean the rest of the house. We managed to do all the work in two hours, not without several pauses to kiss and hug each other. Now that she was my girl she wouldn't have gone one single moment of her life not knowing how I felt for her.


	9. Chapter 9

There is something about Christmas that I had never fully understand until now. Holidays are supposed to be about family and presents and love but, since my mum had left us, I had always thought about Christmas as some joke God had put on my way, just as a reminder that I couldn’t get all the happiness everyone else was giving for granted.  
For a few years I had felt somehow responsible for my mum’s departure but, thanks to my dad and my nan, growing up, I had learned she was just a selfish person and she didn’t deserve all the guilt I had inflicted myself over the years.  
With my nan’s death, Christmas had returned to be the same old shit but now, with my all new friends and, mostly, my Rae, Christmas had finally a sense for me.  
A new sense.  
I had never spent a Christmas away from my father but he showed himself quite happy and satisfied with my decision of going away with some friends for the holidays. I hadn’t told him about Rae, yet, but he had realized something good was finally happening to my life.  
He had found me packing in my bedroom, the day before the big leaving, and he had just stood there looking at me, with a huge smile on his face.  
And now, there I was, with my friends and the love of my life, in one of the most romantic cities in all world: Verona. Romeo and Juliet’s place, the city build on water.  
Before leaving, the guys and I had been documenting ourselves about the coolest places to visit, museums and fine restaurants but I hadn’t exactly been too careful about what they were saying. Chop was insanely excited about visiting Italy for the first time and Archie was over thinking about the fact that Italy still hadn’t fully accepted homosexuals, even if he didn’t want to admit that, out loud. On the other hand, I was over the moon about my first abroad trip but not for the trip itself.  
The recital at college had been pushed until after the Christmas break and Rae and I had spent two beautiful weeks together, free from any kind of duty. I had spent some of that time with Marissa and she had always been excited to see me. She was the miniaturized copy of Rae and she was probably the most cutest little kid I had ever met. She was always joyful, calm and she had asked me to be her personal horse about 40 times in three days. I loved to see her smile every time I used to tickle her but most of all I loved that Rae was finally comfortable with me being around her daughter.  
Liam hadn’t been in touch with her, since the break up, if not for talking about Marissa and, despite Rae had always made it very clear that there was nothing I should fear about their meeting and talks, I had always told her that I was fine with that. He was, after all, Marissa’s father and, if there were me in his place, I would have wanted to spend all the time in the world with my daughter.  
I knew I shouldn’t have probably cared about that little girl like she was my own, we were still so young and there was no certainty about being together in the future but, that was easier said than done. It was impossible not to grow fond to that little girl and I was sure she already loved me, too.  
Rae wasn’t exactly happy about leaving her for Christmas but Liam had insisted his mother wanted to spend some time with her grand daughter and, since she was staying with Rae all the time, she had to agree with Liam about her spending the holidays with her dad.

“Still thinking about her, uh?”

“Yeah, I miss her already. Not that I’m not happy about this holiday but, she’s my kid, you know?” Unlike Liam, Rae always talked to me about her daughter like I could understand what she was going through even if I wasn’t a father. She felt like she could count on me with anything and I loved the fact that we had come long way from where we had started.

“Of course, girl. And, you know, I hate to admit this but, Liam really loves his daughter, she’ll be perfectly fine.”

“I know it’s just that it’s Christmas, you know? I had bought her tons and tons of presents and she’ll open them without me.”

“I’m sure you’ll be in her every thought. She adores her mum, you know that.”

“She’ll be too busy opening presents, trust me. And, I am pretty sure she adores you, too. I don’t know how you do that.”

“What do you mean, you don’t know? I am Finn Nelson, I have a thing over Earl’s women. Didn’t anyone tell you that?”

“Drop it, dickhead.” I put my arm around her waist and she rested her head on my shoulder. We were now walking towards the hotel and the rest of the gang didn’t seem to be too much shocked about the amount of fluff Rae and I were sharing. On the plane, once Rae got in the toilet, Chloe had come closer and she had mentioned that everyone already knew we were in love with each other and that was why they weren’t saying anything about it. They had just been waiting for us to get together, mainly because they wanted us to be happy and also, because they couldn’t stand Liam. 

“Right, does anyone know a little bit of Italian around here?”

“I’m sure they’ll be talking English as well.”

“Yeah, I wouldn’t count on that.”

“It’s okay, I know a few words.” Everyone, Rae included, turned their heads over me. I had studied a bit of Italian in college and I had always loved their culture so it had been natural for me to study it.  
“What?”

“You talk Italian? For real?”

“I get by.” I didn’t remember that much from my class but I was sure I could have handled it way better than Chop and the others.

“Tell me something, anything.” Chop was clearly daring me on this, he didn’t believe I could do it. The truth was I was bad at improvisation. Thank God there was this guy who was playing an Italian song.

“Vedi quel ragazzo? Sta suonando ‘Ciao, amore ciao’. E’ una canzone stupenda, non pensi?” Everyone started to look at me, in pure disbelief. 

“You just made that up, didn’t you?”

“Absolutely not, it’s Italian, I swear.” Everyone but Chop started smiling and we kept on going to the hotel. We weren’t tired but we wanted to leave our luggage so that we could start enjoying our holidays. One entire week away from everything we knew except friendship and love. I would have done a trip like that every week if I only could. 

“I didn’t know you talked Italian.”

“There’s a lot you don’t know about me, girl.”

“What would you say to me, in Italian?”

“That’s an easy one. Ti amo.” She blushed as I tightened the grip. You didn’t need a degree in Italian language to understand that I had just told her I loved her.

“Everything sounds more poetic in Italian, doesn’t it?”

“Everything seems more poetic to me when I look at you.”

“Just because we’re in Italy that doesn’t mean you’re allowed to make me blush every minute of every day.”

“Every minute? I intend to make you blush every second of every day.” She looked up at me and pressed her lips to mine. No one knew us there, no one knew our story, our past, our love. We could just be two people in love in a beautiful and, a little too cold, town. I could hold her hand, kiss her, make her laugh and everyone around us wouldn’t have said a word. No one would have judged us, no one would have recognized us. 

“I seriously hope we get to this hotel fast, I am freezing to death out here.”

“Do you want my jacket?”

“Great, so you’ll be the one to freeze. No, let’s just walk faster.” It was December so, it was obvious it had to be cold but that day was absolutely freaking cold. The website had mentioned something about snow but that’s how websites work. Or, at least, we had thought so. 

I had insisted about giving her the jacket but she wasn’t gonna have it so we just sped up and caught up with the others. Another 15 minutes walking and we finally arrived at Roberto’s. The hotel seemed quite cozy, it was all made out of wood and, on the inside, you could feel the warmth of the fireplace. It felt like heaven after all the walking from the airport and the change of plane we had to make down in Rome. 

“Right, Nelson, it’s your turn. Ask for the bedrooms.” Chop was enjoying this because he actually thought I had been bluffing about knowing a little bit of Italian and I was happy that he was about to be very wrong. I stepped out of the gang and approached the reception where an old lady was already smiling at me, from behind the desk. 

“Buongiorno.”

“Buongiorno a te. Non sei italiano, giusto?” I always knew I hadn’t the best accent of all but the lady had figured out I wasn’t Italian from just one word. To be completely honest, she didn’t have the clearest accent, either. 

“No, I am English but I do know a few words of Italian.”

“Of, that’s fine, I talk English as well. So, under what name should I look on?”

“I think that would be Earl. Two bedrooms, six people.” I wished Rae had booked three rooms so that we could have shared one but that would have been too awkward for the rest of the gang. 

“Found it. But it’s three rooms. You changed the reservation two days ago.” I looked over to the gang to find Rae smiling shyly and the others making funny noises. Rae had been going behind my back so that we could share the room for the holiday and I couldn’t have been more thrilled about our holiday. I turned to face the old lady again and I nodded and she went to give me three keys.

“Fourth floor, rooms 22, 23 and 26. I hope you’ll enjoy you’re holidays guys. Welcome to Italy.”

“Grazie mille.” We picked our baggage and we went to the lift. I couldn’t believe I would have had Rae to myself, every night for an entire week. But, most of all I couldn’t believe how brave she had become about us. She used to be always shy whenever it came down to us and now, she had called the hotel to change the reservation. It felt like she was finally ready to tell the world she was mine and I couldn’t have be happier about that.  
As soon as we entered our room, she went to the main room to put the suitcase on a chair and I quickly followed her and hugged her from behind before she could have the chance to flee. She started laughing and I thought that was the most beautiful sound on the ground.

“I can’t believe you changed the reservation.”

“Yeah, well, I didn’t want to spend six nights in a room with Chloe and Izzy when I could have shared the bed with the hottest guy around.”

“You’re naughty, you know that?” I placed my chin on her shoulder and she brought her head closer to mine.

“So I’ve been told.” I laid my eyes on hers for a brief moment, pretending to be shocked and hurt.

“Who told you that?”

“I love it when you’re jealous.”

“How couldn’t I be, I have the sexiest girl as a girlfriend.” She turned her body and now our faces were inches away. Whenever we got to talk like that, it always turned out into a proper snog but I was up to some game that week. It was time to give her the best week of her life and I needed to keep the head in the game.

“Girlfriend, uh? I like the sound of that.” She pressed her lips to mine and our hands started wandering over our bodies. If I would have lost it, right there, in that moment, I would have easily sent all of my self control and my plans for the holidays to hell. I wanted to be with her, I wanted us to be just one, I had wanted that since the first time I had seen her at college but, since we had been together, without Liam in the picture, the I had been filled with a longing want for her that I had thought was possible. I wanted her to be mine, to feel all the love that I had for her, to make her understand that I would have made her happy every day but, at the same time, I was scared to death. I hated to do something wrong, something that could make her flee before I could have had the time to show how important she was to me.  
And, right there, I could feel her, wanting me like I had always wanted her. It took all of my self control to get away from her touch.

“I’m not sure we could stop if we begin this. And I think we should get going. The others will be looking for us.” She looked at me, a bit hurt by my words but she tried not to seem upset about it.

“Sure, the others. Right… I had almost forgot about them.”

“Yeah, don’t tell me about it.”

“Well, this is all your fault, Nelson. You keep being all sexy and…” She blushed again and she looked over to her feet, trying desperately to find something else to say, but it was already too late.

“And?”

“Well, you know… you’re just you.”

“What is that supposed to mean?”

“I’ll show you tonight what is that supposed to mean.” I had always known she was brave but, seeing from myself, in that context, was driving me nuts. She was all sexy and flirty and I would have had her all to myself for a week. How could I have kept faith to my plan, to make our first night together, perfect, when I would have had her by my side, every fucking day and night?  
She smirked at me and walked to the door, opening it and leaving me behind with all my thoughts.

 

___________________

 

I was so happy about this vacation, I almost couldn’t I was living all of that. Spending entire days with my best friends and my girlfriend never felt that good. When I was with April everything felt always like I wasn’t good enough and, since she had left me for my best friend, maybe that was what the truth was but, being with the gang made it everything easier and happier. We were visiting museums, eating the most sensational meals, and, even spending quiet nights in pubs, was incredibly relaxing and funny. Chop was insisting for the fourth night in a row with his elephant joke and he really didn’t understand that it wasn’t funny at all. The only one who kept on laughing was Izzy, but we all knew why she did that.  
Rae and I were finally in a good place and, even if keeping my hands to myself had proven really hard, I had become an expert in cold showers in the morning. Sleeping with her by my side was incredibly beautiful, romantic and intimate but it also gave a hell of a boner every day. Not to mention that she was wearing a lace bra and underwear under her clothes and she always made it sure that I knew about it.  
On the second morning of our trip, she had asked me to bring her the toothbrush that she had forgot in her suitcase and I hadn’t thought for a second about that she could have been naked in the bathroom, waiting for me.  
I knew she was a brave girl but I wasn’t prepared for all that perfection to appear in front of my eyes in all her glory. I had always known I was one of the two lucky guys who got the chance to see her like that, and I hated that I wasn’t the first one but, at that point, that didn’t matter. She was my girl now and, she was extremely beautiful.  
I got into the bathroom to find her wrapped in a white towel, her long black hair on one side and she was still a little wet from her shower. She looked absolutely stunning and, as much as all I wanted to do was throw her on the bed and make love to her, I kept faith on my plan and swallowed hard, handling her over the toothbrush she had asked for. I looked at her a little more and then I turned myself around to leave her but she called me again and I had to turn again to see the most beautiful vision on Earth.

“Finn, you can stay in here if you want to.”

“Thanks but, I don’t think I’ll be able to do something other than look at you.”

“Who said you need to do something else?” She got closer and left her towel reaching the floor. She was perfect, there wasn’t a single thing I didn’t love about her. It was extremely hard for me to keep calm at that vision but I had to stick to my plan. For her, for us.  
After Liam, the one time he had knocked her up, she had never been with anyone else and she deserved the best I could give her. Maybe even more.  
I wanted to touch her beautiful creamy skin, I could still see little drops of water coming down on her body and I found myself wanted to be one of them, just to be sure I could have stayed with her forever but, instead of touching her, I reached for the towel on the floor and gave it back to her, saying some twattish thing about us being late. Since the first night together she had always tried to initiate things and I hated that I was pushing her away all the time. I was sure she would have understood but rejecting her all the time, was getting too harder.

On the fourth day, things got rough: we had just got back from a very exhausting trip and all we wanted to do was sleeping for 48 hours. We only had three days left, which meant that our first night together was getting closer. I had arranged with the old lady at the reception to give us the finest suite they could give us and I had paid the extra amount of money. I had asked her if she could buy some roses and I would have done the rest and she had seemed extremely excited about my plan, almost as if I was bringing her to the suite.  
I only had to resist two other nights and then Rae would have had her dream. I was eager to see the expression on her face but I needed to wait, to give her the news. Once we got back to the room, she went to her suitcase and got out a pyjama and a little case, which I was sure, contained all of her ‘female’ stuff.  
I knew she was tired but it was only 6.30 PM and I thought we could have gone to dinner, just me and her.

“What are you doing?”

“Oh, just prepping things for tonight. I know it’s early but I was thinking I could already bring these to Izzy’s room.” She smiled at me and got back to the suitcase. Why was she bringing her things to Izzy’s room?

“Does Izzy need your toothbrush?” 

“Don’t be daft, this is for me.”

“I’m sorry, I don’t think I understand. Are you going to sleep over there tonight?”

“Yeah.” I was suddenly confused. Why had she gone through all the trouble about changing the reservation from two to three rooms, just to sleep with Izzy? She could have just kept the two rooms and she could have slept with the girls through the entire vacation. 

“Why?”

“What do you mean, why?”

“Why are you going to sleep there? Do I snore too much?”

“You do snore but that’s not the point.” She was trying to make it sound like the most normal thing but I couldn’t find nothing normal about a girl not wanting to sleep with her boyfriend. I got a little closer to her but I wasn’t sure with what I was dealing with. I had never been about understanding girls and, with Rae, I didn’t want to make the slightest mistake.

“Did I do something, Rae? Is that why you want to go to sleep over Izzy’s room?”

“Don’t be stupid, you did nothing.” She put a little too much emphasis on the word ‘nothing’ so it was very clear that I had, indeed, did something. I tried to go over the past days but there wasn’t a single thing that could come up to my mind and I knew it was bad. Not noticing a problem when there is one, it’s worst than making a mistake. 

“Just… just talk to me, girl, please. I don’t want you to go to sleep somewhere else.”

“Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t know you’d care.”

“Of course I care, you’re my girlfriend.” She looked at me, almost confused, like she didn’t believe at my words. How did we get to this?

“Am I? Are you sure, Finn?”

“What the hell are you talking about? Of course you are, numpty!” 

“Don’t call me that! If there’s a stupid person in this room, that’s not me.” That wasn’t our first fight, God only knows how many times we had argued but this time, it was different. Every other time, we knew we were fighting because we cared too much. Now, it almost felt like we were exhausted, as if we were already tired of one another. 

“Why are we fighting now?”

“You wanted to talk, so there, we’re talking!”

“This is not talking, you’re yelling at me, for no reason.”

“No reason… you’re just… you are so… it’s better if I go to sleep somewhere else, trust me.” The truth was, I was far from being over her. Those few days together had brought me to love her even more than I had ever done before and loosing her for something I didn’t even know I had done, wasn’t something I could go for.  
She was already one step away from me and one closer to the door but I grabbed her back, I couldn’t let her walk away from me like that.

“Oh no, you don’t get to walk away from this, we’re not done here, Rae.”

“You don’t tell me what I should and shouldn’t do. Now, let go of my arm, Finn. NOW!” I didn’t mean to hurt her but I was aching on the inside, afraid of loosing her, once again and, now that I knew what it felt to actually be with her, I was expressing all of my pain on the outside. I let go of her as soon as I saw fear in her eyes; the last thing we needed was for her to be afraid of me.

“I’m sorry, Rae, I am… so, so sorry.” I sat on the bed, my head between my hands and I started crying. I hated crying in front of women, especially in front of her. I didn’t want her to know I could be as weak as anyone else. I needed to be her strength just like she was mine.  
She didn’t come closer though, not like she was used to do. She didn’t leave either but I could feel she was standing there, firm on her steps; she wasn’t going to come closer. Not this time.

“You didn’t hurt me Finn, not with your hands anyway.” 

“But I did hurt you, didn’t I? What did I do Rae, you need to tell me because I’m freaking out right now.”

“The thing that you don’t know, makes me want to punch you in the face.” I didn’t want to look confused but I wasn’t sure I could look any other way. It hurt me deeply that I hadn’t realized I was hurting her but, most of all, I hated to think that I had done something that had hurt her, in the first place. All I had ever wanted was to make her happy, confident and to make her feel my love but all I had managed was treating her like shit and making her feel like she wasn’t enough.  
“You don’t look at me Finn.”

“What are you talking about? I am looking at you.”

“Not now, I mean in general. You never look at me. Don’t you like me anymore?”

“Are you serious right now? I love you, Rae. Of course I look at you.”

“It doesn’t feel like it. The other morning in the bathroom, you got out like there was the plague and every night you always go to sleep before I get into bed. It’s like you don’t want me or something.” I had been acting like a complete jerk and I hadn’t even realized it. Telling her about the suite would have made everything easier and we would have stopped fighting in a second but I needed to make understand something first. 

“I am so sorry I acted like a total idiot. But, believe me girl, I look at you. I look at you, every moment of every day.”

“So, you do want me?”

“Of course I want you, I got the sexiest girl on the planet as a girlfriend.”

“Don’t say it if you don’t mean it. I don’t believe you, anyway.” Screw the suite, screw the plan. She needed me in that moment and I couldn’t let her go on with those bad thoughts in her mind. I got up from the bed and, while cupping her face with my hands I pressed my lips onto hers. She kissed me back with the same passion of the first day and I just hoped I could have made her feel a little more confident and sure about us and about my love for her. I let my hands wander over her body but she was the one who stopped me, this time. I looked her in the eyes, trying to find some consent but there wasn’t a trace of it.

“You still want to go to sleep at Izzy’s?”

“It’s not that. I just don’t want you to do something you don’t want to.”

“You mean kissing my girlfriend? Because I could do that for the rest of my life.”

“But, you just want that, right? I mean it’s not like I want to force you into anything I just wanna know how things are between us.”

“You think I don’t want to make love to you?”

“It sure doesn’t seem like it.”

“Well, if you hadn’t interrupt me a few seconds ago, you would have known.” I went back on kissing her neck but, after a few moment of uncertainty, she pushed me back again. I knew I didn’t have to insist on that but I hated being pushed away from her.  
“I’m sorry for yelling earlier, it really wasn’t my intention.”

“I know, mine either. We should just go to sleep now.”

“You mean you’ll sleep here?”

“Yeah, if you want me too.”

“I wouldn’t like it any other way, girl, you know that.” She smiled and locked herself in the bathroom for a shower. I hated what I had put her through and, all of a sudden, the suite didn’t seem appealing anymore. What could I have told her then? ‘Oh babe I was rejecting you because I was waiting for day 7?’ She would have just killed me in a heartbeat. It was time to make her understand her I loved and wanted her with words, I need to be braver for her.  
I knocked on the bathroom’s door but I wasn’t sure she could have heard him.

“Babe, would you like me to take you out to dinner tonight?” No answer received.  
“Love, did you hear me?” Still no answer. I probably should have waited for her to come out but it was already 7:30 PM and, if we wanted to go out, we needed to hurry up so I went on knocking after 20 minutes.  
“Rae, are you drying out all the water, girl? Come on, I need to talk to you.” She finally unlocked the door but didn’t come out. I opened it a bit and looked in, to find her sitting on the floor, wrapped in a towel. She was stunning as usual and all of my body was starting to show its true colours.  
“Babe what are you doing over there?”

“Just thinking…”

“About?”

“All of it. My life, Marissa, us… Liam.” She named him in a whisper but I was already seeing red. She was thinking about her ex while she was on a trip with me? I knew we had a little argument but that didn’t mean she was allowed to think about giving up on us.

“Why are you thinking about Liam right now? And, what is there to think about us? WE are fine!”

“Why are you yelling now?”

“Because you’re thinking about your ex! Look, I know we fought but, so what? People, couples, fight all the time. That doesn’t mean they don’t love each other anymore.”

“Who said I don’t love you anymore?”

“I don’t know, you’re sitting there, thinking about Liam and your old life… you’re scaring the crap out of me, Rae.” She got up from the floor and wrapped her arms around me, as soon as those words left my mouth.

“I’m not breaking up with you, Finn. I’m not even thinking about it. I love you, I could never leave you.” 

“Are you sure?”

“Of course I am, I love you, Finn, I do.” I found myself wrapping my arms around her waist and starting to breathe again. She had the power of destroying and uplifting my life with a few words and I hated and loved at the same time that she could to that to me. 

“Then, why were you thinking about him?”

“I was just thinking about how lucky I am to be with you right now and not him. I was having good thoughts. About you and us, about how much you must love me for handling our damn situation and still being here for me.”

“Where would I be, girl, you know I love you, too.” 

“I know, it’s just that sometimes it’s hard to believe it since you’re so great and all.” She let out a small laugh and I knew everything was going to be okay with us. 

“And sexy I might add.”

“You might add that, yeah.”

“Right, now get dressed because, your great boyfriend, is taking you out for dinner.”

“How do you do that?”

“Do what?”

“When you say ‘get dressed’, it shouldn’t sound sexy but it kinda does.”

“That’s because I am Finn Nelson and you love me.”

“Yeah, it might be that, you’re right.” I smirked at her and softly slapped her ass, telling her to be quick. I had never been so confident about anything in my life other than my love for her. My Rae. She was the reason I got up happy every morning, she was the reason of my every laugh and smile, of my bad mood and behaviour. She was my everything and I was completely sure she didn’t even know how much I loved her. It wasn’t something that I could describe with words, it was something deep and sincere, something that only I could fully understand. I just needed to find the right words to make her understand, too.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Deeply sorry for keeping you wait this long. Hope it was worth it :)

I had never thought about how deep and intimate a meal could be.   
Sure, you’d need the right food and the right music, but, most of all, what you’d really need is the right person. The one you can share and laugh with. The one you can steel the food from and getting a smile in return. The one you know that, once the meal is over, she’s still going to be there with you. Maybe in the same room. Maybe… in the same bed.  
A meal is just one of the most common things to do; you eat without really thinking about it. It’s a habit, a routine, something you have to do to keep on going and living but, when you’re with THE person, it’s not just a meal anymore. It’s not eating, it’s not… it’s not feeding an appetite. It’s satisfaction, it’s understanding, it’s… it’s familiarity. 

“What are you thinking about?” Rae was just sitting there, in front of me, one glass of red wine in a hand and her eyes focused on me, just asking the most normal question in the world and, yet, there I was, unsure of what to say, how to react.  
It’s just a simple question Finn, she’s not biting you, even if you wish she would.  
Just answer the damn question. That’s what I kept telling myself, just answer the damn question, and still, nothing. She smiled at me, tilting her head a bit, just to make sure everything was okay with me and, even there, nothing.  
What could I have said?  
I’m thinking about how madly in love I am with you, I am fantasizing about this meal in my head? Or, I am thinking about how bad I want to make love to you? How I want to kiss every little inch of you and make sure you know how much you’re loved?  
Or maybe I should just make a joke, like she would do and, say something funny? Teasing, maybe?

“I’m thinking… that I am actually happy right now.” What else could I have said but the entire and complete truth? She was the one, for me. The one who could make me happy and peaceful just by looking at me. She was the one who I kept on watching over every night before going to sleep, even if she didn’t know that, because it just made me feel safe and… at home.  
However, the truth was that, feeling that way about her, was suddenly scaring. We were in our eighteen, how was I supposed to keep going with a few stolen kisses in college, shared beds on a holiday trip, when I was already so deeply in love with her? When, all I really wanted was living with her, building a life with her, thinking about our future, about buying a house, having kids, getting married.   
If all those thing were frightening in my head, where all I wanted to do was actually doing those things, what would they be like in hers, when she didn’t even know I was considering them?

She smiled and relaxed a bit, once I finally found my voice again and blushed, forcing her eyes to look at the plate in front of her and putting the glass on the table.   
“Am I embarrassing you now?”

“No, it’s just that… it’s nothing, really.” It was my turn to tilt my head and I found myself raising her chin with my index, unconsciously.

“Tell me.”

“It’s just… I’m happy, too. Not that I’m not usually happy around you it’s just that… it’s different. Tonight… this. This is our first dinner date.” She smiled, blushing again and, I smiled back, incapable of tearing my eyes off her. She had decided to wear the same black leather top and the same red skirt, she was wearing the first time we had ever danced together, at the college party. I could still clearly remember how sexy she had seemed that night and, she was glad she still had the same effect over me.

“Yeah, I know. I can’t believe I didn’t take you out sooner. I am the worst boyfriend ever.”

“Ehi, don’t you ever say that, Finn. You’re the best.”

“If you say so, I guess I’ll have to trust you.” She rolled her eyes for a brief second and then she went back on looking at me, deeper and sexier than before.  
“You need to stop doing that.”

“Doing what?”

“You know what.” She widened her eyes and came closer. At our table there was one spare chair, right next to me so Rae decided to step out hers and sat on the other one. She was definitely trying to provoke a reaction inside of me but, what she didn’t know was that, I was already experiencing every sort of possible feeling and that restaurant wasn’t the right place to show it. Having her that close, crossing her legs and holding one of my hands in hers, was definitely not helping the situation I was in.

“What were you saying, babe?”

“I was… uhm, I was just… well, you know wh-what I was saying.”

“I’m pretty sure I don’t. Why don’t you help me out here?” She rested my hand on her bare legs, causing me to groan and she put hers on mine, teasing up and down my thigh.   
“Did you say something, love?”

“Ehm… I-I am not sure. I-I think you should get your coat, and we should leave. Like now.” 

“But I was having fun. And we didn’t even get our dessert.”

“I’m not sure I can wait another second to take off those clothes of you, let alone fucking dessert.” I had never been that explicit before but, right there, in that moment, I knew she just wanted me to be truthful and flirting. That wasn’t exactly my place, probably because I had never been that type but, she could always bring out of me things that I didn’t know were there to begin with.   
The couple eating in the table next to us looked at us and laughed a little; I had no idea I was being that loud but it wasn’t my fault if I had the sexiest girl as a girlfriend and I was in an Italian restaurant and I had thought no one would have understood me anyway.   
Rae, on the other hand, didn’t seem to mind them or anyone else at all. She was firm in her position, both of our hands still lingering on each others legs and she was still clearly flirting with me.

“Do you think you can hold still for one dance?”

“A dance? Oh, I’m not really the dancing type, girl. Plus, if I have to be honest, I’m not sure I can stand up without making a foul of myself.”

“Oh… I see. I’ll tell you what: I’ll walk right ahead of you so no one will know… no one but me.” She smirked and let out a hand for me. Her walking ahead of me wasn’t definitely going to help anything and she knew it but we were there to play and I was ready to do it as long as she was. She was capable of changing the course of a night in a heartbeat just like she would do every time I would lay my eyes on her, with my feelings.  
I hadn’t realized there was a small stage in the back of the main room of the restaurant but clearly, Rae had spotted it since we had came in. There wasn’t a live band or orchestra but it still seemed quite cosy and intimate.  
They were playing a famous Italian song which I felt pretty accurate for the night: it was about a woman, THE one.  
By the time we got to the center of the stage, everyone was looking at us, basically because no one else was dancing but, just like the first time, it didn’t matter if there were two or two-thousand people there. There were just us.   
In a moment, Rae was pressed against me in the slowest of dances, she was still trying to conquer me and I was trying to hold it together.  
“What is this song? Do you know it?”

“Yeah, I think I heard it, some time ago.”

“What is it about? Is it a good one?”

“Yeah, it’s great actually, quite perfect, if you ask me.” She lifted her head to look at me, waiting for me to go on.  
“It’s about a woman but not just any woman, you know, it’s about the one you love. The one you know she’ll be the one no matter what. No matter how many people you will encounter on your way, no matter what you choose to do or to be, she’ll always be the one.”

“Wow… this should be our song.”

“Our song?”

“Yeah, it’s perfect, you were right. I’ve always known you’d be the one for me and, I-I don’t know if I am, if you feel the same way about me but…” I couldn’t let her going on a second more with this doubt in her head. I pressed my lips onto hers, trying to put in that one kiss all that I had been thinking through the night.   
I had always told her that I could have never loved someone else, that I felt so lucky that she had chosen me, me, through all the people in the world and still, she couldn’t believe I felt the same way as she did.   
Girls need reassurance, so they say but, with her, it was just different. There was something about her that was deeply different, almost like she was afraid of trusting me, almost like she didn’t want to fully believe me so that, once we would have been over, she wouldn’t have suffered too much.  
I couldn’t believe she didn’t know I would have never let her go, no matter how many times I had already told her that. 

“I do. Of course I do. You are the one, girl, I could never imagine myself next to someone else.” 

“I’m sorry if I keep talking about this nonsense. It’s just that… there are still a few things about me that you don’t know, about us, in a certain way and, it’s bloody difficult for me to believe that you love me this much. Because… well, you’re the one for me.”

“Why don’t we talk about this stuff, then? We could go back to the hotel and talk a little.”

“I thought we had other plans.” She smirked, resting her hand on my lower back but I needed to stay sane, in order to take her home with her clothes still on.

“Oh, trust me: those plans aren’t going anywhere but, I feel like, you know, talking, could be good for us.”

“I guess you could be right…” She took me by the hand and led me back to the table, to grab our coats and then, to pay the check. She hadn’t seemed scared about opening up, at least, not in that moment. I didn’t want to push her into anything she didn’t want to do but, we both knew this moment would have arrived at some point. She had never told me about how she had fallen for me without really knowing me, three years earlier and, I needed to know.   
How could I have been so blind to not noticing her? What was I doing, wasting my time with a girl who didn’t love me, with friends who didn’t care for me when I could have had Rae and the gang?  
How could I have been that clueless?  
“I hope you don’t have too high expectations.”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean that… it’s not a fairytale… the way I fell for you and all of that. And… you’ll have to listen about Liam, too.” 

“I don’t want the pretty version, I just want the truth and… Liam is a big part of your life, he’ll always be so, I guess I’ll have to deal with him, somehow.”

“I love you, do you know that?”

“I do… but you can keep on saying that, I like the sound of it. And I love you, too.” I tightened the grip of my arm on her waist and she rested her head on my chest as we were walking back to the hotel.   
All sorts of questions were popping into my head but, in some way, I knew I had to be quiet and let her talk. From time to time I could have stopped her and asked her a few things but, other than that, she needed to get all out and I just needed to be there for her, for us, ofr our future.

As we got closer to our room, I could feel her getting scarier but she was still in my arms and never showed the intention of leaving. Not once.   
Since the first time I had spotted her at college she had always seemed like this brave, confident young woman and now, she was just this little girl, holding on to me, afraid to fall or to send me away with her words. She was visibly frightened by what would have or could have happened once she’d let out the all truth and all I wanted to do was making her feel safe again. There was nothing she could have said or done that would have driven me away. I loved her and I just needed her to trust me I wasn’t gonna go anywhere. 

Once we got in she, reluctantly, got away from my embrace and took off her coat. She sat on a chair, near the window and gave a look outside, probably trying to find the right words to begin with.   
I sat on the bed because, although I wanted to hold her tight, I knew she needed some privacy with her own thoughts and being near her would have only messed things around.  
She glanced at me and briefly smiled, silently thanking me with her deep, wide and brown eyes and took a deep breath, looking at her feet, before looking at me, again. 

“I know this, this shouldn’t be this hard but it kinda is.”

“Hey, just take your time, you don’t have to tell me anything you don’t want to.”

“No, I… I mean the first time we really talked, after I ruined your date with Chloe that afternoon, it was hard but… God, that seems like a piece of cake compared to this.”

“Was I that bad when you fell for me?”

“No, no, you were great, well not that great but, well, I was the messed up one. I was in a very dark place at that time, that’s partially why I didn’t actually made a move.” She got up from the chair and after walking up and down the room for a bit, she sat next to me on the bed, catching my hand between hers.   
“I didn’t exactly like myself, no one really did.”

“What’s there not to like?”

“You know, you say that now and, I kinda believe you but, a few years ago, I would have assumed you were just making fun of me.” She let out a small laugh after looking into my eyes, I must have probably seemed pretty confused after what she had just said. I just had never considered that she could have been afraid of people in the past when she was that confident now.  
“Anyway, it wasn’t like you would have considered me back then.”

“That’s because I didn’t know you back then.”

“Right… well, you do now and I don’t want you to change your feelings for me. Do you think you can do that for me? Can you promise me, you’ll love me still, after I’ll be done talking?”

“I seriously don’t understand what you’re so afraid of… I love you, nothing is gonna change that, girl.” She sighed and then let herself fall with her back on the bed. I thought for a moment or two about joining her but, right there, I was starting doubting what she really wanting until she let out her hand for me. She thankfully still wanted me close to her.  
“It was afternoon, the first time I saw you. I was with Liam, sitting on a bench. He was the only friend I had ever had. He knew me and understood me, probably because we had so much in common, starting with our childhood. All of a sudden, a group of guys came near by and they started playing football. We started making fun of them, as we usually did but then, out of the blue, you appeared. It was like… I don’t even know how to describe this, it was like seeing the light for the first time. You hadn’t done or said anything but, you changed something in me.”  
Laying there, next to her, listening to all of that stuff from her past, a past we sort of shared but I didn’t know I had, made me realize how much I had missed of my life. If I only had glanced at her, just once, I would have immediately known, there was so much more beauty in the world than I had never known.  
Listening to her describing me as the light, gave me goosebumps because that’s how I was used to describe her since the first time I had saw her, at college.   
She was there, the sun lighting up her beautiful long dark hair and she was laughing with her friends, on her way to college. Right there, in that precise moment, I thought I had seen the light for the first time.  
“Liam noticed right away I had spotted you and he offered to help me out.”

“He offered to help you out? With me?”

“Yeah, he said we was going to talk to you. He was going to introduce us.”

“I didn’t even know the guy back then.”

“He didn’t care about that. He just wanted to help me out. I always told you, he’s a real good friend.” I instantly got up, as soon as those words let her mouth. I couldn’t exactly doubt her since I hadn’t exactly tried to know the guy better but, he had never tried to reach out to me, all those years ago so, I couldn’t just lay there and listen to Rae describing him as an angel.

“So why didn’t he come forward?”

“You probably don’t remember this but, he did.”

“Oh I can assure you I didn’t meet the guy until he started taking the piss out of me in college.” Rae suddenly got up and looked at me, quite confused.

“Look, it’s fine, I understand that you don’t want to look any different to me but I get it. You had April back then, of course you didn’t want me.”

“I didn’t even know you existed. I am telling you, Liam never talked to me about you. Not once.” Rae unexpectedly looked away and shifted from her position, getting away from me. She started looking around the room, like as if she didn’t believe in me.  
“You think I’m lying, don’t you?” She barely shook her head ‘no’ but she didn’t seem to convinced in doing it. Especially because she wasn’t facing me at all.  
“Hey, why would I lie? I mean, this happened three years ago, this doesn’t affect us now.”

“That’s why I’m getting mad. You can be honest with me but you decide to lie.”

“Lie? I am not lying, for fuck’s sake. Liam never talked to me, why don’t you believe me?”

“Because.”

“I’m sorry but ‘because’ it’s not going to be enough now. Better yet, I have another question for you: why do you keep on believing his words over mine?”

“Because! Because if you’re telling the truth than… than he lied to me for all this time. Things happened because of this, Finn. Big, huge things.” I had always thought ass-face wasn’t someone who could be worth trusting but I had hoped he had, at least, been, a good and supportive friend to Rae. She always used to talk about him as this great and comprehensive boy, damn, she had slept with him and had a kid, he couldn’t have been that bad but, this new prospective, this new truth Rae was revealing to me just now, was putting all on the table again.

“So, you’re saying, what? Uh? That you slept with him because he told you some crap about me? That I didn’t want to meet you or something?”

“Ehi, don’t talk to me like that, Finn, you’re making me sound like a slut.”

“Well, I’m sorry but you’re talking nonsense right now. And, like always, you’ve decided to believe him so, just tell me what he told you about me so we can all move on.”

“Move on from what?”

“From talking about ass-face.”

“Why are you yelling at me? And, don’t call him ass-face, you know I don’t like that!”

“Oh, I’m sorry, am I hurting your feelings right now? You’re right, my bad, he’s such a prince charming.” 

“I knew we shouldn’t have talked about this, it’s not like you want to be honest with me, anyway.”

“And, here we are again, you twist things and blame it on me. Like that time when I took out Chloe after you treated me like garbage and you showed up saying that I was being an asshole and a fake. Well, not anymore Rae, we are here and we’re fixing this! NOW!”

“What do you want me to say? That a look at you was all it took for me to fall in love with you? That I cried for days because you told Liam you would have never went out with me because I was fat and loud? That…that I slept with Liam out of misery and that I cut myself because I felt like no one would have ever loved me? Is that what’d you like to hear, YES?” 

She brought her hands to her face trying to cover herself, trying to hide from me after what she had just confessed. If I could have had Liam in front of me right there, I would have made sure he got the treatment he deserved. Liam had never talked to me, not once before getting in a relationship with Rae and, according to her, they had slept together only one time and that had happened three years earlier.  
I had always suspected he was actually in love with her, despite the fact that she had always said they were just friends and sleeping with him had been a mistake and now, with all these lies he had built over the years, I had found a proof.  
I hated that he had made up that awful lie to keep her away from me, to keep her from being happy but, what I hated the most is that I had been, unconsciously, one of the reasons she had cut herself. My rejection made her feel like no one would have ever loved her and now she had to believe I had, what? Changed my mind from one day to another?  
I tried to got closer, to hold her in my arms but she didn’t want me to touch her.  
It wasn’t like I could blame her, I had yelled at her for the past twenty minutes without really knowing why.   
The only thing I had ever wanted was for her to feel safe with me, to feel wanted and now, knowing all those things, how could I make her believe in me?

“Girl, please look at me. I’m sorry for yelling, it wasn’t fair.” She looked up after a moment of uncertainty. She seemed quite confused about what was I doing there.

“You’re still here? Are you sure you want to be in here?”

“Of course, I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else. I shouldn’t have spoken so harsh, I’m sorry.”

“You’re not doing this just because of what you heard, right? Out of pity? Because I don’t want you like that.”

“I made you a promise, didn’t I? And I’m not having any difficulties at keeping it. I still love you, numpty.”

“You’re not disgusted by my actions? Not at all?”

“Why would I be disgusted? You… you went through a rough time but, you came out of it stronger and more confident. I love you even more if that was possible.”

“That’s because you don’t know all of it, yet.”

“I’m sure, whatever this is, I’ll love you the same. You’re the love of my life and, if only Liam had talked to me, I’m pretty sure Marissa would be mine and I would be the luckiest boy on Earth.” She widened her eyes and I automatically looked away, passing a hand through my hair. I had always known I would have killed for that little girl to be mine but, I had never said it out loud. Especially to Rae. 

“You’d like for her to be yours? Really?” Planning a future, having kids, all those things I had thought over dinner were there again. All the love I felt for her, was still there. All the things I wanted to do, to live, to have, in my future, I wanted them with her.   
I got closer and held her in my arms, for as long as she let me. I just wanted to be in the moment. The quiet after the storm.  
“We can’t keep on doing this, Finn.”

“Doing what?”

“Yelling at each other and then clearing things out only to fight another time. It’s a tunnel without a way out. We need to establish some boundaries.”

“Boundaries? Those things are for rational, regular people. We’re not like that. We’re passionate, we’re real, we’re natural. We are in love, we can’t be rational.”

“Yeah well, we should. Because when we yell at each other it doesn’t seem like we’re that in love.” 

“Babe, listen to me, will ya?” She nodded and I cupped her face with my hands. I couldn’t let her think fights were going to drift us apart. She would always be mine and I would always be his. No one, not even ass-face and his lies would have come between us, again.  
“We can fight, we can yell at each other, damn, we can slam doors and going to sleep upset with each other but, the love we share, that love, it’s not going anywhere. Do you hear me?”

“Yeah but…”

“There is no but. And now, you can either go back on telling me everything else or we can just go to sleep but, I am going to be here tomorrow, and I am still going to love you and fight with you. I am still going to tease you and kiss you and laugh with you, because that’s what couples do, okay?” She smiled a bit and whispered an ‘okay’.  
“I’m sorry I didn’t hear you.”

“OKAY. God… such a dickhead sometimes.”

“As always… so, what shall we do now? Talking or sleeping?”

“Neither.” And then she did it. She pressed my lips onto mine. Firmly. Bravely. She deepened the kiss as soon as our lips touched and I couldn’t help but give all myself to her. Probably because since I had met her, since she had brought the light back into my life after my nan’s passing, I had been hers.   
Once our lips parted, we were both out of breath and we were gazing at each other.  
“I want you. Do you… do you still want me?” 

“I don’t think I have ever wanted someone like I want you, girl.”


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> SMUT alert! :)

“What you’re thinking about?” Rae was still laying in my arms in the middle of our last day in Italy, after the most incredible and passionate night of my life.  
She was just there, in all her beauty and, our bodies, were perfectly matching one another. It felt like I was living a dream but it was all real. It was all happening, we were finally happy, finally done with the fighting part, finally, ready to live our love knowing almost everything about the other. And we loved each other very much.

It had been quite the night, the one we had just lived but I wouldn’t have had it any other way. Screw the suite, screw the candles and the rose petals. Right where we were right now, it was perfect. I could still clearly remember Rae’s body moving under mine like it was happening right now: the moans she used to make once I entered her with all the care I could have, her tightening the grip with her nails on my back, the wild passion that had drove us all night long.

I had always imagined that making love to Rae would have be mind blowing, basically because of how much I was in love with her but, now that we had actually lived it, I knew I couldn’t have been more right.

I laid my eyes on her for the thousand time that morning and smiled at her, bringing her a little closer to me.

“I’m thinking about how fantastic last night was.”

“And this morning, too…” I loved that thinking about us made her blush in the cutest of ways. I was used to her shyness and I adored it but, this one was a new Rae. This was a part of her that I hadn’t really thought about but I was already in love with it because, it was all for me. No one had ever seen her like that, no one had ever loved her like that and she had never made anyone feel so happy like I was in that moment.  
No one but Liam.  
Through the entire night and following morning, I had been able of throwing him out of my mind, we had only one day left and it had to be all about her but, somehow, he was still there. Still threatening me like he was used to do. 

“You know, I don’t think I’ve ever been this happy.”

“Me neither. Just like I’ve always said. You are something else, Nelson.”

“Oh, you’re never going to call me Finn, are you?”

“I thought Nelson was sexy.” She looked up to meet my eyes while still laying in my arms and smirked, slowly lowering her look afterwards. As if she hadn’t had enough of me for that day, she was still teasing me and I felt the urge to play at her own game by throwing her, with one fast move, under me and I started tickling her at both sides, while she started laughing like a child. I thought I could have listened to the sound of her laugh, my all life. 

“I believe Earl is sexier.”

“Stop it, Finn, stop it, right now.”

“Oh so you do know my name, I thought it got lost all the way through Italy.”

“You’ll be Finn for the rest of our life, I swear.” Our life. Her and I, a life together. I really couldn’t have asked for more. I stopped myself from doing anything, really, and I just laid there, on my side of the bed, looking at her and at how perfect she was for me. My Rae. My beautiful and strong Rae.  
“What is it? Why are you looking at me like that?”

“Is there a rule that prevents me from looking at my girlfriend?” 

“No… but you can’t keep doing that.”

“Why not? You’re gorgeous, you’re my girlfriend and, you’re naked… in my bed. Why shouldn’t I look at you?” She smiled at me and blushed, while rubbing her neck with her hand in one of the most sexiest ways I had ever seen. She was ruining my life, my mind, I couldn’t think clear while she was around.

After a moment, probably still thinking about my words, she wrapped herself up in the sheets, leaving me totally naked on the bed but I couldn’t exactly move. She was basically parading in front of me, in all her sinuosity and, at some point, my jaw dropped to the ground when she let the sheets fall to the floor.  
I knew I should have said something but, what to say, when pure perfection is standing in front of you in the form of your girlfriend. 

“You still want to lay there and just ‘look’ at me?” As she spoke, something inside of me automatically changed and something outside of me definitely shifted its former position, causing Rae to smile and look at her feet, trying to hide her blush.  
In a moment I was standing in front of her, both of us naked and with a growing passion in our eyes.  
I raised her chin so that she could look at me and placed a single kiss on her lips, before kneeling in front of her.  
I wasn’t sure if she would have liked my boldness but we were both ready for more and I had sworn to myself that I would have dedicated my life to make her feel like the most precious girl in the world, so, I might as well start right there, making her feel good, loved and… mine.

I could clearly hear her moan my name, while her hand was playing with my hand and my lips and tongue were busy pleasing her. I hoped she was enjoying that as much as I was but, by the tone of her screams, I figured she really was.  
For once, I was glad that, all those rumours about me being this sex wizard, were right. I never understood how people could presume I was good in bed when we hadn’t even talked once. 

I tried to tease her as long as I could, even if she was desperate with my actions. She kept on telling me to go faster, to go harder, she had even said to ‘just fuck her’, she was clearly over the edge but, I wanted it to last long. I wanted her to feel I had been there for as long as she could have. I wanted her to move and remembering me doing this to her. 

“Finn… I am b-begg… I am begging you…” I could hear her breath coming short every time she was close to come and so, the last time she did it, I slowly entered one, then two and, in the end, three fingers in her and, she came undone in seconds, screaming my name and kneeling right in front of me.  
While regaining her breath, I focused my mouth on her neck, while my hands wandered over her breast, teasing her, once again, until she pushed me gently away.  
“Where have you been all this time, Nelson?”

“Waiting for you.” She put a smirk on her face and then just laughed a little.  
“Too cheesy?”

“A bit… but that’s what I love about you. You don’t care about how you sound. You just say what comes on your mind.”

“Well, right now, my mind is saying that I want to make love to you, all day long.”

“I do love when our minds think the same way.” With a very bold move, she pushed me on the floor with her on top of me and she started placing kisses on every inch on skin she could find.  
If only Liam hadn’t set us apart, who knows how long we would have been together since then. He had took me the chance of being with Rae for so many years and, once we would have been back, he would have known how angry I was.  
“Why are you still wearing your underwear, it’s rude.”

“I would be ruder if they were off, trust me, love.”

“I want you to be rude so, these, will come off. Now.” As I tried to liberate myself from what felt like torture, she put her hands over mine and shook her head ‘no’, looking at me with her longing look.  
“Let me help you with this.” She started to take off my underwear by biting the underwear and tearing it down with her teeth but things were a little complicated and she just gave up after a while, making us both laughing.  
“I’m sorry, it should have been sexy, don’t know what I was thinking.”

“I can tell you, girl, the view from up here, was one of the sexiest I have ever had.” She pressed her lips onto mine, chastely, and released me from my boxers.  
In that exact moment, I thought I could have died in her. Rae was everything I had ever dreamed of: she was my best friend, my lover, my girlfriend, she was my woman, the only one I could picture myself next to for the next 100 years.  
As I gently rolled us over and I was now laying on top of her, I remember the first time I had ever had a glimpse of her skin, down at the park where she was spending the morning with her dog. She was so stunning in her bathrobe and she was stunning right there, with her lips firmly pressed on my neck while mine were busy with her breasts. 

After a serious snog session, we were both out of breath but she still cupped my face in her hands.  
“I want you… but not like last night.”

“What do you mean? You don’t want to…”

“No, I do. I just… I want more. We will make love every day, for the rest of our life if it depends on me but, now, I want more. I WANT you.” With that, she pressed her lips onto mine and opened her legs so that I could get more access. I knew what she wanted and I knew, I wanted the exact same thing.  
She needed to be loved but she also needed to feel all my love in different ways and, I wanted to give her whatever she wanted.

My erection was firmly pressed on her tight and I could hear her moan and bite the skin on my back, which only got higher and harder, once I entered her.  
Her legs were resting on my shoulders as I got deeper and deeper, we were almost merging into each other. 

“You are… oh god, Finn, I am, so… so damn… close already.”

“Just let it out for me, girl. Just feel it deep inside of you.” I didn’t even have to finish my sentence because she was already there, she was shivering under me and as I finished, too, we deeply looked at each other, before professing our love.

I let myself fall to the floor, just next to Rae, both of us still catching our breath. 

“How do you do it?”

“Do what?”

“Be so beautiful every time I look at you.”

“Well, to be fair, I did tell you to get your eyes checked.” We both laughed but I quickly covered her mouth with my lips to stop her from telling more nonsense.

“Stop being a dickhead. You’re gorgeous.”

“Alright… but just to be clear you’re the dickhead.”

“Are we really at it ag…” I didn’t get to finish my line, thanks to her cell phone ringing. 

Despite my efforts to keep her from answering, she got up from the floor, recollected the sheets and wrapped herself up in them again, before answering whoever was disturbing our perfect day together.  
As she picked up, her expression changed but, it was more confused than scared.

“Mom, talk slower, I can’t hear you.” I stood up from the floor and regained my boxers, just in time to see the most terrified look on Rae’s face. She was on the edge of a major breakdown and I couldn’t understand what could have happened to change her mood so quickly.  
“Why didn’t you call me sooner, MUM? I will be right there!” She closed the conversation probably before her mum could answer her and she looked right at me.  
That was when I found out that a look can actually get through you and kill you in a moment. 

I stepped closer to her but she kept on looking around, while getting dressed with the first thing she could find in the room.

“Babe, what’s wrong?” She wouldn’t’ even listen to me and I suddenly got scared. I had never seen her like this. Not even when she talked about her past life. Not even when she had told me the truth about Marissa. She was loosing her mind and she wouldn’t let me help.  
To actually hear me out, I had to grab her and made her look at me.  
“Rae, what the hell is going on?” That was when she actually lost it and cried. She cried so loud, so desperately, I got stuck. I didn’t know what to say, or what to do. I didn’t even know if there was actually something I could have done to make her feel better.

“He took her… he took her away from me.”

“What are you talking about? Who took you what?”

“Marissa, he… he took Marissa away.” When the truth hits you right in the face, it hurts, it hurts you on the inside. You are physically unable to move, to speak, to do anything really. Liam had took Marissa, but why?  
Did he took her for the holidays?  
Did he say he would have bring her back and he didn’t?  
“Why aren’t you say anything?”

“I don’t… I don’t understand. How… why would he take her?”

“Because of us! He had warned me, he said he would get back at me, but, i thought those were just words, you know? But, our daughter? Is he really using my little girl to hurt me? Why would he do that? She must be crying right now, she might be wondering what the hell is happening to her… God, WHY DID HE HAVE TO TAKE HER FROM ME?”

“Rae, calm down. We’ll get on the first plane and we’ll be home sooner than you think. And, Marissa, she will be fine.”

“He punched you because we do a recital together, Liam is not himself! How can you be so certain?”

“Because she’s his daughter, too. He wouldn’t hurt her, he’s not that insane. Trust me, she’ll be fine.” I placed my lips on her forehead, trying to soothe her a little but she was panicking and, there wasn’t much I could do.  
Why was that guy in our lives in the first place? How could she ever get to the point to think that no one would have ever loved her but him?  
How could she think so low of herself when I couldn’t find a single thing that wasn’t perfect in her?

 

\- - - - - - - - 

 

As we arrived at the airport back home, Linda and Karim were waiting for us.  
We had to be honest with the gang and Rae told them the all truth about Marissa and Liam.  
They were shocked at first but, after a split second, they decided to come home with us. Through the entire flight, Rae had been gripping at my hand, afraid to let it go and I tried to keep her closer than I could. I hated what ass-face was putting her and that lovely kid through, and I almost hated even more than there was nothing I could do to help.  
I had promised to protect her, to make her feel safe, I had told her she wouldn’t have feared anything with me and now, we were facing one of the most traumatizing experiences of our lives.  
She hadn’t said much since we had arrived, not that she had talked that much even before that but, I was afraid she was bottling too much up and that she would explode in front of Liam.

We didn’t have the slightest clue on where to find him but Rae, the only time she decided to talk, said she knew where he would be. I knew she was mostly hoping she did, mainly because she wanted to actually do something to find her daughter, and I hoped she was right, too.  
I could only imagine what Marissa could think of all that situation: she was only two, how could he do that to his own child?  
I had always thought he was a piece of shit but now, he was just showing himself as the most selfish and cruel person on Earth.

I insisted on going with Rae, in order to keep her sane and, also because I wanted to be there to punch the guy in the face and, despite she didn’t want me there, I somehow convinced her. We took Karim’s car and got immediately on the road, Rae being a living GPS.  
We soon entered a road I used to know a lot: I used to go there when my nan was ill. The hospital.  
I hoped he hadn’t drag his own kid to a hospital but mostly, I got scared, he had hurt her and even more scared because Rae was sure to find him there. 

“Where are we going exactly Rae?”

“To the hospital…”

“Why?”

“Just drive please.. this really isn’t the place or the way I want you to know things about me.” And just like that, without even noticing it, the wall was up again. She still didn’t trust me with her stuff, with her past, despite the couple of days we had just had together. But, she was right: that wasn’t the place to talk about that. We would have time to sort things out. Right there, we just needed to find Marissa. She was our priority.  
“Okay, you can park here. Just wait for me, I hope I won’t be long.”

“There’s no way you’re going in there on your own. I coming along.”

“Look, you… we, are the reason we’re in this mess so, it’s better if he sees me on my own.”

“I wasn’t suggesting, Rae. I am coming with you. End of.” She rolled her eyes at me but I knew she was relieved by my presence even if she didn’t want to admit it. She needed someone to rely on and, even if she wasn’t entirely sure of telling me lots of stuff, she knew she could trust me with her kid.  
We entered a ward I would have never thought about: the psychiatric ward.  
I knew he was there I just didn’t know she could know about it, but, after a second, it hit me. Her words from the night before, that part of her, of her past, her cutting herself. What if it had to do with Liam, somehow? What if they were linked by that place?

Rae knew which room to check first and we found him, with Marissa in his arms, at the first attempt. I heard Rae finally breathing normally and, as soon as Marissa spotted her, she started yelling for her.  
Fortunately she seemed fine, but taking a little girl to a mental ward, hadn’t really been the smartest move.

“Give her to me, Liam. This ends now.”

“I knew you would have found us. This is your family, after all. He’s just a piece of meat, you’ll get tired of him but we, we’re always going to be here.” All the hatred I had had for Liam, turned immediately into pity. He was actually sick, mentally ill, and, he clearly needed help. He wasn’t trying to be mean, he just needed help.

“We can talk about this later, Liam, just give me my daughter, please.”

“She’s my daughter, too, you know. We made her, together. I still remember that night, you know. You wanted to be there just as much as I did.” I didn’t know if he wanted to get to me or just making things up but I didn’t want to hear the story of how he took Rae’s virginity with the deceit.  
“The dickhead over there didn’t want you and you realized I was right for you. I was good for you. Why can’t you see that right now?”

“I didn’t even know her back then, you douchebag!” His eyes flipped towards me and Rae turned around, with an angry face. I knew I shouldn’t have talked to him, I should have let her do the job but I hated she was still playing with her, right in front of me. She couldn’t pretend that I would just shut up. 

“Do you really think she’s going to believe you just because she thinks she loves you? I know what you told me all those years ago. And I know what your girlfriend said.”

“April?”

“Oh, that’s her name. Yeah, I walked by her and her friends and I heard them talking shit of Rae. Guess, it’s true what they say: like boyfriend, like girlfriend.”

“So, you told her I thought she was fat and loud when, actually, that was all April? Wow, and you say, you love her…”

“STOP IT! Both of you. I don’t give a damn about that, I just want my baby back. Liam, give me my daughter back.” Liam looked away from me and I felt suddenly bad. I should have been there to support her and getting her daughter and, all I had been doing was getting in a fight with her crazy ex-boyfriend.  
What a way to win her trust.

“Promise me you won’t take her away from me.”

“I’m not you, am I?” I hoped she didn’t mean what she had just said, she should have been crazy to do that. She shouldn’t have let him see Marissa ever again after what he had just done but, her talk seemed to work because, after a minute or two, Marissa was safely back in Rae’s arms. 

“It all started here, remember?”

“Please don’t…” She looked at me for a split second, before getting her attention to her baby girl.

“Oh, he doesn’t know, does he? About out past, our life. How do you expect to build a life with him, if he doesn’t even know the real you. He will walk away, he can’t possibly understand…”

“Oh, will you stop saying that? You don’t know me. I love her and I will accept everything.”

“Yeah, you say that now but you don’t know the all truth. You don’t know that we met here, we both had attempted suicide. Thank God we didn’t go through with it, right darling?”

“STOP TALKING!” Her screaming froze both of us but I was already shocked by Liam’s revelation. Attempted suicide? She had really tried to end her life? Why did she feel like I wouldn’t have been there for her? How could she ever think I would have dropped her like she meant nothing to me?  
She looked at me, visibly scared and I couldn’t do anything but smiling at her. She lowered her look and a tear came down to her cheek.  
I didn’t know why but I knew I had done something terribly wrong. 

We got away from the hospital faster than we could and returned to her home, to calm Marissa down a little, to let her play with her toys, where she felt safe the most.  
Linda almost fell off her chair once we got back and took Marissa in her arms, tasking her upstairs and leaving Rae and I, alone in the room.  
Before actually say something, we looked at each other for a while, until I finally found my voice again.

“Are you okay?”

“I should ask you this.”

“No Rae… I am fine, don’t worry about me.”

“I didn’t want you to find out that way. He really didn’t have the right to say that.” I stepped closer as she started to cry again and I held her in my arms, leading her to the couch and bringing her closer.  
“I am really sorry.”

“Hey, it’s fine. You don’t have to worry about that. We’ll talk about it when and if you’re ready, okay?”

“Yeah but…there isn’t much to talk about, am I right?”

“What do you mean?”

“I saw the look in your eyes, Finn.” I pulled her chin so she could look at me and, I saw in her eyes, nothing but confusion and pain. What did I do without even realizing it?

“What look?”

“The disappointment look. The pity look. They were all there. That’s why I didn’t want you to find out. Probably ever.”

“I was just shocked, girl. Honestly, who wouldn’t be?” She hided from me again but I could feel her crying through my flannel shirt, which was now completely wrecked.  
“It’s just that… you’re so precious to me, I can’t understand why you didn’t like yourself. You’re so smart, and kind, and generous and fair. Why would you do that?”

“I don’t think I have an answer for that. At least not now.”

“Well, that’s okay. I can wait. I can wait my all life.” I tightened the grip on her waist and she put her arm on my chest, just to be sure it was real and I wasn’t going anywhere.  
We had been so lost in our conversation, that we hadn’t even heard Rae’s mum, coming down to the lounge. She was devastated.

“Mom, it’s all good, now. She’s safe.”

“It’s not that. It was Liam’s mum over the phone.”

“What the hell did she want?”

“She had a message for you. Actually, for the both of you.”

“Well, if she’s anything like her son, it must be crazy.” Rae patted her palm over my chest and encouraged her mum to go on but Linda didn’t seem to find the right words to break the news to us. 

“Well, the thing is, you know she has that new boyfriend, right? Well, turns out he’s an attorney.”

“Yeah, big deal, so what?”

“Well, she said, Liam is opening a legal action against you, to get full custody if Marissa.” Rae and I looked at each other but, if I was confident enough he wouldn’t have had a chance against her, she was panicking again.  
She looked back at her mother and it was like they already knew what would have happened. Everyone knew what was going on but me.

“What does he wants not to open it?”

“You know what he wants.”

“I do not. What does he want?” No answer from both of them but Rae was already crying.  
“Girl, what does he want?”

“Me. He wants me.”


	12. Chapter 12

After nan's passing, I thought I would have never felt so hopeless, so useless but, just as I got out of the darkness, there she came, pulling me back into it.   
The one she had always been my hope, my dream, the only one who could keep me standing, even when I wasn't sure in which direction we were going. But now, everything was fucking twisted and difficult and I didn't know what to do in order to help. In order to make things easier.   
Two weeks without hearing from her were too much and I was done waiting for her to decide what to do. I needed to be the man, I needed to talk to Liam and trying to reason with him.   
Sure, easier said than done but it was worth the shot. Rae was in such pain and not being able to help her was killing me, too. Something had to be done and I needed to be the man for the job.   
I wasn't exactly sure about what to tell him, especially since we had spoken once or twice in our entire life and, it had mostly been about him taking the piss out of me.  
That was actually another thing I couldn't exactly understand: why was he that angry at me?  
Sure, he was in love with Rae as I was, although his was a sick one but, other than that, what did I have ever done to make him hate me that much?

I didn’t know what I was up against but I needed to do this for Rae, for us. We deserved a bit of happiness and Liam deserved a lesson.   
As I was standing on his doorstep, my heart started racing and my hands began to shake and, no matter how hard I tried to keep calm, anger was getting the best of me.

I took courage and, I knocked twice on his door, just to find myself face to face to Liam’s mother, seconds later. 

“Yes?” Liam’s mother was around her 50s and she was definitely like his son: stubborn, angry look on her face and always ready to begin a battle.

“Ehm, my name is Finn, Finn Nelson. I am looking for your son, Liam… Is he in?” She took a good look at me, just seconds before stepping back and shouting Liam’s name up the stairs. Not a smile, not a welcoming sign. Like mother, like son, apparently. 

Liam came down a minute, maybe two, after being summoned by his mom, to find me in the lounge waiting for him. From the look on his face, this wasn’t going to be easy or peaceful. 

“What the hell are you doing here, Romeo?”

“I thought we were passed this phase.”

“You’re in my house and I’m gonna call you the way I want, so… what the fuck do you want?” As we were both standing there, few feet away from each other, I tried to imagine how lonely and sad must have Rae been feeling, all those years ago, to allow herself to share such an intimate moment with a scumbag like Liam. They had absolutely nothing in common and, yet, she was ready to spend the rest of his life with him, because of what? Family duty?  
She was ready to sacrifice her happiness and probably, Marissa’s, just to keep appearances on going?  
How could she think so low of herself when there wasn’t a single thing about her that wasn’t just perfect?

“I’m here to see if we can work things out a little.”

“Such as?”

“You know damn well what I'm talking about. Why do you keep on holding Rae’s and Marissa’s life in your hands? I thought you loved them.” I tried to push on his paternal instinct but there was none left in him. He wasn’t a person anymore; he was a puppet, probably handled by his mother at her choosing.

“I do love them and that’s why I want them back. There’s no way Rae is giving me full custody and, instead of fighting me, knowing that she’ll inevitably loose, she’ll come back to me and you, Romeo, will be just a parenthesis in our otherwise perfect life.” 

“Perfect life? Jesus, do you hear yourself when you talk? She doesn’t love you, Liam. And, it’s not because of me. She stayed with you because you’re her daughter’s father but that’s all it was and, frankly, she thought you knew that.” As those words left my mouth, he came closer, not enough to touch me but enough to scare me away. At least, that’s what he must have thought.  
The only thing he didn’t know was that I wasn’t going anywhere and I was going to fight for Rae and her child. 

“You know, you think you know everything. Well, let me tell you something: she might not love me but, at least, I know everything about her. Can you say the same? Do you think you know her? Do you think she trusts you with her life?” Everything in me wanted to scream ‘yes’, I wanted so bad for that to be true but, in that moment, Liam was right. Rae didn’t fully trust me, otherwise she would have told me tons of things about her months ago and she wouldn’t have left the honour to Liam himself. So, I just stood there, looking at him, in complete silent.  
“Right, that’s what I thought. You see, I know you love her and, I mean, who wouldn’t? She’s smart, and kind and generous and selfless, why wouldn’t you love her? But, the thing here Nelson is that, she doesn’t love you back. At least, not in the way you think she does.” 

“You know nothing about us and I’m not here to talk about our relationship. I came here to warn you: stay away from her and that little angel who’s already fucked up forever for having a parent like you or…”

“Or what? You’re gonna beat the crap out of me? Guess grieving Finn has retired.” I didn’t exactly believe in answering fire with fire but I wasn’t sure I could control myself this time. In a moment, without even fully realizing it, my hands were around his neck and his back was pressed against the nearest wall I could find. All of the anger I had been trying to hide for the past year and a half was there again and it was taking possess of my body and brain. I couldn’t do anything but let it control me, although I was fighting it really hard.

“Keep talking about my nan and I’ll show you who I really am.”

“Oh, don’t worry about it, Romeo, I already know who you are. A coward… a piece of shit, always ready to judge other people based on their outer looks. You might not remember that night but I do and I’m going to make you pay for it, one way or another.” As he talked, I found the strength in myself to release him from my grip but, his words, were already floating in my mind.  
What was he talking about? What night?

As I stepped back, Liam adjusted his tee shirt and looked right at me, before raising his eyes to the stairs, with a weird and scary grin on his face. I followed his look, just to see if he had gone mad or if he was having a vision and my eyes laid up on Rae. She hadn’t told me she was going to see him, let alone visiting him at his own house.  
Rae’s eyes flicked to Liam onto me and I could see tears in her eyes. He had managed to make her cry. Again. 

“What is he talking about, Finn?”

“Rae, what are you doing here? You should be home with your child.”

“Answer my question, what was he talking about? What night?”

“I… I, I honestly don’t know. He’s probably making something up as usual to get a reaction out of you.” All kinds of emotions crossed Rae’s face and, probably, mine, too.  
After everything we had been through, all that we had talked about, there she was again, hearing him out, trusting him.   
I was ready to knock him to the ground when Rae’s voice brought me back to reality. 

“He didn’t know I was listening so he must have spoken the truth. What was he talking about, Finn? Don’t make me ask you this, twice.”

“I’m sorry, are you mad at me now? He’s the one who kidnapped your kid, you know.”

“She’s his daughter, too. He wasn’t kidnapping anybody.”

“I’m sorry, what did you just say?” I couldn’t believe my own ears. I was probably just loosing my hearing because there was no way Rae could have spoken like that. Back in Italy, she was about to loose her mind about this and, back to when we finally found Marissa, she was just glad she was okay. She was unsure whether she could actually trust Liam or not and now, all of a sudden, she was telling me, everything was fine?  
“Rae…” I tried to close the distance between us but she stepped back. I was on the verge of loosing her again and I didn’t know what to do to keep her by my side.  
“Rae, you know you can tell me everything right? Is he… did he tell you something, did he threatened you? You know you can talk to me.”

“Then tell me what was he on about earlier…” She had tears in her eyes but, this time, I couldn’t put it on Liam. They where there because of me, or, better yet, because of something I didn’t recall. Because of something I wasn’t even sure it had happened.

“I really don’t know Rae, you should ask him.” Liam, obviously was more than happy to share some mysterious past that we clearly had shared. If only I could remember what he was on about, I could have replied back but to me, it was all nonsense. He was talking about something that had happened over three years before and, apparently, I was drunk so there, like always, this was his chance to twist things.

“He just stood there, and took the piss out of me. At first, it didn’t bother me as he always used to do it, back in college, with his little gang of losers which, eventually, betrayed him. I mean, who would stick at your side Romeo, am I right?”

“I swear to God I’m gonna kill you, dickhead. I swear to God if you say another lie about me I will fucking kill you.” Rae was sitting on the steps and the end of the staircase, tears dropping heavily on her eyes and her hands in her hair, desperately trying to cover up, to hide the fact that she was loosing it.

“I’m not telling any lie. Not this time, Nelson. This is all true and, you might not remember it because you were stoned but I was there. And I remember it all so, don’t come here and lecture me about how great and beautiful you think Rae is when, less than three years ago, you told me I was worthless and that nobody was going to care for me. Well, guess what? You were wrong. Someone cares about me and, we are a family. I’m not going to let you ruin this for me.”

All that Liam was saying was a fucking lie. It had to be. True, I was usually drunk back in the days but I would have never said anything like that to him. To anyone, really. Not even if I was wasted. I was being a dickhead in the first year of college and, certainly, the group of friends I was surrounded by, weren’t the best of people but, we weren’t that bad. We were dickheads like most of teenagers are but, deep down we were fine. 

“And when did this happened? Come on, I’m curious.”

“It was January 2013 but, you probably don’t remember it, you were always on drugs anyway."

“I, I never used drugs. See? This is all a lie.” I looked back at Rae, trying to have a response, something that would make me understand that we were fine but, she just stood there. I wasn’t even sure she was completely listening.  
“Why are you doing this? You say, you claim that you love her but you don’t, otherwise you wouldn’t let her suffer like this. Tell her you’re telling a lie, I’m begging you.”

“I wish I could mate but, this is all true. You’re a piece of shit and now she knows it, too. Time’s up. You need to leave, now.”

“Time’s up? This is not a fucking game. And, I’ll leave when she tells me to.” It wasn’t worth it. Spending energies and time on Liam when Rae was so close I could almost touch her. I kneeled in front of her and tried to cup her face with my hands but, she shivered at my touch.  
“Girl, you know I love you. And, besides, you know me, you know, I would never say those things to anyone. Let’s just…” I knew it was pointless, she wasn’t even paying attention to me or my words but I needed to try this.   
I couldn’t blame this on anyone else, it was my own damn fault if we were in this mess.  
“Just take my hand darling and we’ll talk elsewhere, okay?”

Rae finally raised her eyes to mine but, I could feel, she wasn’t there. Not my Rae, at least. Not the one that loved me and believed me.

“I don’t think we need to talk about anything, Finn. And, Liam is right: you should leave.”

“What? Babe… Liam is many things but not right. I’m not going anywhere without you.” As she took her eyes away from me, Liam came closer and put one of his hands on my back, making me turn furiously. 

“You heard her, time to leave Romeo.” 

“First of, you keep your hands off me and second of, drop the Romeo thing. It’s really not funny anymore, if it ever was…” As soon as I could, just when Liam stepped back a little, I turned back to Rae. She was definitely slipping away through my fingers and I was about to loose it just like she was.  
“Girl, I’m begging you, let’s just talk a bit, you and me, okay? You know me, you know I’m not the guy he’s talking about.”

“I thought I knew you. I thought, Liam told all lies but, really. It was always you, wasn’t it? You told me things and filled my head with fantasies and I fell for it.”

“What? What are you… no, no, babe I never lied to you, not once…”

“YES, YOU DID! And, like a stupid, I believed you because I wanted to. I’m just glad I realized it soon enough. Now, please, leave…” I didn’t even realize I had been crying the all time until I couldn’t breathe anymore because of it.   
How could she believe him after all this time? She knew who I was, she had to.  
In a moment, she had crashed everything we had built like it was nothing. Like we were nothing.

“Rae, I know you’re scared. I know you think he’ll take away Marissa but he won’t. We’ll fight, I…”

“There no ‘we’ anymore. We are done.”

“You don’t mean it. You can’t mean it. We love each other, we… we love each other, right?” She stood there, completely quiet and she wasn’t even looking at me. It was like I was suddenly a ghost and she was looking right through me without really seeing a thing.   
“Rae… you still love me, right?”

“Dude, she’s not answering. Leave, before you make a fool out of yourself.”

“I don’t give a damn about that. I LOVE HER, SHE CAN’T DUMP ME LIKE I’M NOTHING.” Rae jerked back at my yelling and kept on looking elsewhere.   
Loosing her was already bad but, doing it like this was unthinkable. She needed to look me in the eyes and talk to me. She owed me the truth.  
“Rae, look at me.” I stepped towards her and held her hands in mine, squeezing them a bit, just enough to make her look at me.  
“Girl, if I’d done something to make you not love me anymore, I could deal with that. I could do something about it but, if you’re dumping me because of this guy, I’m gonna walk away and I’ll never come back. This isn’t a joke, Rae. You can’t come back to me, in a week, or a month, telling me that you made a mistake. If you choose him over me, if you choose to believe him over me, we are done.”

“You should go, Finn.” 

“Just like that? You’re not gonna say anything else?” She kept on staying there, like I wasn’t even there. She was wrapped up in her thoughts and God only knew how much I wanted to enter that mind of hers.  
“I matter that little to you, don’t I?” Silently, she took her hands out of mine and erased a single tear coming down on her cheek, stepping back, away from me, whilst doing so.   
“I guess I really do.” 

As I stepped out of that house, I didn’t give a damn about what I had just said. I hoped with all my heart that she just ran out of that house towards me, telling me she was joking, telling me it was a fucking prank but, she didn’t. She stood there as Liam closed the door behind me and didn’t move a single muscle to stop him from doing so.  
We were actually done. Only this time, it was for good.

\-----------------------------

For once, I was glad my dad kept a lot of booze in the house. I needed all the booze in the world to get through that fucking night.   
I had told myself to think only about college, to think about the fact that I was going to leave in a bit and I was going away from all the trash who surrounded me but then, then she came along and, suddenly, life wasn’t shite anymore.   
Life was good, and bright and I was dead happy. Just seeing her face, through the corridors, in the parking lot, was enough to make my day better and when, we finally shared a bit of life, I thought nothing could tear me apart and bringing me back to the darkness but, there I was again: lying down on the floor with a bottle of scotch in my hand, thinking about all the time lost and that would have never come back.  
Why did I have to be so stupid? How could a girl so amazing being that interested in me? What did I have to offer her but misery and low-esteem? I would have dragged her down with me in no time and maybe, she got out just in time.

My phone kept on ringing but it wasn’t Rae as I hoped: it was Chloe. Almost 20 calls in five minutes.   
I knew I should have been there for her, I knew she probably just wanted to chat, to hear how things were between Rae and I after all the Marissa issue but I really wasn’t in the mood to chat so, when someone hit hard on the door, my mood wasn’t exactly the welcoming one.

As I dragged myself to the door, trying to stand up for as long as I could, I could feel the person standing on the other side was getting irrational but also afraid. Afraid of bothering me or afraid of something else that I didn’t know but, as I finally opened the door, everything got clearer. It was definitely the second one.

“Chlo, what the hell happened to you? Your face…” Despite the fact that I was indeed very drunk, I sobered up pretty quickly. Chloe was standing on my doorstep, her face and her clothes, covered up in blood and I did my very best not to puke in front of her. 

“Finn, may I, can I…” She wasn’t even able to talk, probably traumatized by whatever had happened to her.

“Sure, come on in.” I knew I shouldn’t have asked her, that she was going to talk on her own terms but I was terribly scared for her. She sat on the couch and she started scrubbing her skin like she wanted to tear it away. She was hating herself, she wanted to disappear and I was about to do the only thing that came up to my mind: hugging her.  
As I sat next to her on the couch and I put my arm around her waist, she jumped back and screamed, almost as if I had hurt her but, really, I hadn’t even touched her, yet.

“Chlo… I’m sorry. How about I help you out of these clothes. And, maybe you can take a shower after that, if you want.”

“I’m not… I’m not sure I can stand.”

“It’s okay, I can help you. I am here for you.”

“Please… just… please don’t touch me. I know you’re not trying to hurt me but please, don’t touch me.”

“Okay, okay, I won’t, I swear.” I put my hands aloft, just to be sure she could see them and know that I wasn’t going to lay a hand on her.   
Something terrible had happened to her but I wasn’t sure how I could have helped. Maybe she could use her friends assistance. Maybe Izzy or… or Rae. I would have called her, too, if it meant Chloe would have been okay.  
“Do you, do you want me to call someone? Izzy, maybe? Rae?” She shook her head ‘no’ almost incapable of talking with her own voice.  
“Okay then, you can stay here for as long as you want. Would you like… I don’t know, something to eat? A cup of tea, maybe?”

“Tea would be… nice, th.. thank you.” I softly smiled at her and went back to the kitchen to prepare the teapot. Chloe was the closest thing I had ever had to a sister and I hated that someone would put her through that, whatever had happened. I couldn’t stand the fact that someone had attacked her.  
I could still vividly remember that douchebag we had ran into before the party at her place. I just wanted to keep her safe. She was my best friend.

As I returned to the lounge, she was stepping out of her clothes and I turned myself around just to give her the privacy she needed. Everything, included her face and half of her body was covered in blood. 

“Finn, ehm, do you, do you have something I could wrapped myself around?”

“Sure, ehm, there’s a blanket on the couch and, I’ll just jump upstairs grabbing you a T-shirt or something. Be right back.” I tried to get to the staircase without looking at her but my eyes fell onto her back and she pounded with bruises all the way down her back. It was too hurtful to look at, let alone living it. 

I did faster than I could and I returned to her with a long T-shirt and a pair of old pants. 

“Here.” I wasn’t in the mood for chatting and she needed me to be the best of friends. I need to get back on track. And fast.

“Thank you. I hope this is okay, me crashing here for a bit. I can… I can go if you don’t want me here.”

“Don’t be silly. My place is as much as yours as it is mine.” 

“Thanks, stud.” She smiled at me but it caused her a bit of pain and she suddenly pulled it back.  
“You’re probably wondering what happened…” She sat back on the couch in order to put the pants up, standing up was too much of an effort.

“Ehi, right now, I just want you to be okay. You don’t have to talk about anything, you can do whatever you want. I’ll be here in case you need me, okay?”

“I’m so glad we’re friends. I didn’t know where to go to until I found myself in front of your house.”

“Well, like I said…”

“Your place is my place, right…” 

“I’m just gonna bring you some tea and then, we’ll think about those scratches, all right?” She nodded and wrapped herself up in the checked blanket, waiting for me to return with the tea.  
I got back to the kitchen and opened a small box under the sink, where we used to have a medical kit. I wasn’t sure about what I was doing, medicine had never really been my thing but, right now, I just wanted to be helpful.  
I took out of it a bit of alcohol and some bandages but then, just when I was about to join Chloe in the lounge I thought about taking everything. I wasn’t sure about what we were going to use after all.  
“Here we go. I hope this won’t hurt too much.”

“It’s sure as hell going to be a lot painless than what I’ve already got.” She tried to smile at me to calm me down a bit but it was useless.   
That’s how great she was: soothing everyone else when she’s the real one in pain.  
“So, how are things with Rae?”

“I don’t think we should talk about this.”

“Well, judging by your breath you’ve done a lot of thinking about it so, spill. Take a bit of my misery away.”

“I’m afraid I would only add mine, Chlo.” As she tried to take her mind away from her concerns, I wasn’t exactly ready to talk about Rae and about how she had completely lost her mind.

“Oh come on, do I really need to drag words out of your mouth? Spit it.. DAMN! It hurts!”

“That’s what you get when you talk about Rae.” She laughed, although it hurt like hell but she was desperately trying to cheer up the situation. I tried to laugh back but, I just wasn’t there, yet. I was being a shitty friend as always. Maybe Liam wasn’t that wrong after all.

“I take it didn’t go to well, didn’t it?”

“We broke up. Well, she dumped me actually but, yeah, we’re done. Over. For good.” 

“God Finn, I am so sorry. Do you want me to talk to her, maybe I can talk some sense into her, you know, girl to girl.”

“How do you do it? How can you think about others when you’re…” I let the sentence die but I had gone too far already.   
Fortunately, Chloe isn’t someone who gets mad about probably, anything.

“It’s a gift, I am just that good.” 

“Are you indeed?” We both laughed and I finished erasing the blood from her face. Right in that moment it hit me how beautiful she actually was. Not on the outside, although she was even there but, on the inside. She was genuine, a true person. A true friend.

“It’s just that… Rae helped me a lot back in the days and you are helping me now. I care about you and I want you to be happy. That’s all.”

“Well, thank you but, this time, you won’t do any good. I told her to choose and, right to my face, she chose him, so I guess it tells a lot about her.”

“She’s making a mistake and soon she’ll realize it.”

“Yeah, well, I’ve stopped caring about her. It’s done. We are done.” I wished just half of what I had said was true and I hoped with all my heart I would have passed this phase, this living between being a ghost and a zombie but, thank God, at least Chloe was there.  
“I’m gonna let you rest now, okay? We can talk tomorrow.”

“Thanks Finn.”

“What? No stud anymore?”

“No, just Finn tonight.” She smiled at me and I smiled back, placing a single kiss on her forehead. As I was approaching her, I suddenly realized she didn’t want me to touch her but as she saw me getting closer, she stood there, waiting for me, probably to get some comfort.

I approached the stairs and she called me right back. The night wasn’t over, yet.

“It was Ian…” It was more like a whisper but it was all it took for me to jump back to the couch and held her in my arms as she cried out all that she had kept inside of her.  
“He was outside my house today with a bunch of his friends. They… they hit me, and then, they… then they hit me again and again and again and I… I didn’t know how to make them stop. And then, then he held me down and he…”

“I am here now, nothing is ever going to happen to you, I swear on my life.”  
I couldn’t believe how people could be such cowards and evil. She was alone, she had done nothing wrong and yet, they felt untitled to do things to her. Of course, he would have never showed up on his own, he was too much of a coward to do that but, with his group, watching his back, that’s when he feels like an hero. 

“Why did he do this? I didn’t… I never… is this my fault? Did I do something to make him snap or something?”

“Ehi, ehi, look at me. You did nothing. He’s a shit, do you hear me? This is not your fault, okay?”

“I just… I don’t get it. I knew he was a dick but, this?”

“I promise you, nothing bad will ever happen to you, I swear.” As I held her in my arms, all I could think about was how much I wanted that bastard to pay for what he had done. Not because she was my friend but because she was a person.   
How could someone do this to another human being? Are we not all equals in this fucked up world?

“Thank you for being here for me right now.”

“I am always going to be here for you, I promise.” 

It happened all so fast and I wasn’t entirely sure I could blame the alcohol still flooding through my veins. True, I had been drinking all day long but, right there, with her in my arms, I was me. We were just a boy and a girl and everything was outside.   
It was chaste and brief but still, it was a kiss. A proper kiss.   
She gently pushed me away right after it had happened but still, I was there and for a split second, I wasn’t thinking about Rae.

“Finn, I think you should go to sleep now.”

“I’m sorry, I probably shouldn’t have done it.”

“It’s fine, it’s just… I don’t know why it happened and, frankly, I’m not sure I’m ready to talk about this after, you know…”

“Of course, I’m just gonna go upstairs and I’ll see you in the morning, yeah?”

“Absolutely. Goodnight Finn.”

\-----------------------

My head was banging like someone was hitting at it with an hammer but, that wasn’t why I hadn’t been able to sleep all night long.   
Rae. Chloe. Rae. Chloe. My head was screaming for some peace but my mind just wouldn’t shut the fuck up.   
I knew I needed to talk to Chloe about what had happened but, was I really over Rae?  
Sure, that’s what I had said the previous day but saying something and then acting by it, it’s a little different. 

I jumped out of the bed and found a pair of pants to wear on my way down to the lounge.  
As I got down, I spotted the empty couch and heard the water running in the shower. I was glad she had finally took my advice and showered herself. It was like a cleaning process. Not just a physical one but mental, too.  
Water runs down the pipe and your mind shuts up for a moment. A moment of peace.  
Maybe I should have tried that, too.

As I went to knock on the bathroom door, just to tell her I was up, someone else knocked. This time, on the front door.  
I was too knackered to even think about who could it be and I just went to open the door to find myself facing a confusingly radiant Rae.

“What the hell are you doing here?”


	13. Chapter 13

As I got up that morning, I didn’t think for a second that Rae would have showed up on my doorstep, let alone with a smile on her face. Was she trying to irritate me or she was just being herself? Someone I really thought I knew but, clearly, I hadn’t even figured out?

She was standing there like nothing had happened. She was probably there to yell at me some more but, between the hangover and Chloe, I wasn’t really in the mood for a chat, or worse, a fight.  
I really didn’t need to talk to the woman who had crushed me in a thousands of pieces less than 24 hours earlier.  
Yet, she didn’t seem to care about that at all.  
She was looking at me, the same way she was used to. There was something in her eyes, something incredibly pure. Was it love? Regret? Pain? I wasn’t too sure of that but I knew there was something incredibly real and honest behind that look.

“May I just say you should win a fucking Oscar, Nelson? Seriously, you should try acting out, it really suits you.”

“What the hell are you on about now?”

“That performance you gave me yesterday, was pure genius. I mean it, I almost believed you. Thank God he did or, this, would have been all for nothing.”

Maybe it was the hangover or, maybe, it was just that she was being unreasonable. What was she talking about? What performance?  
I wasn’t sure I was capable of having a civil conversation with her but, once she spoke, I was suddenly curious about what she had to say.

“So, can I come in or what?”

“What for?”

“What for? What are you talking about, I am here because of you, aren’t I?”

“What do you need to tell me that you can’t say it right where you’re standing right now?” I was curious, yes, but not that much to let her in my life again after what she had done the previous day. I was already over her. Well, I needed to be and having her around again, wasn’t going to make it any easier so, she was good where she was. 

As I spoke, the smile covering her face, went away and she started looking at me confusingly. She acted like she didn’t know what I was talking about. As if the previous day she hadn’t been there with me in her house, listening to herself telling me we were done.  
She acted like she didn’t know a damn thing about it.

“What is happening right now? You seem mad…”

“I don’t seem mad. I am. At you. I’m mad at you, Rae.”

“Why are you mad at me, exactly?”

“You really need to ask?”

“Well, I am asking so, if you could be so kind to answer me, I would appreciate it.” I couldn’t understand why she was playing with me like that. Did she really think we could be, what, friends? After everything we had been through together?  
Even if she hadn’t treated me like shit, I would have never been okay with being just ‘friends’ with her.  
I had never felt for anyone else what I had felt for her and she had tossed me aside like I was nothing so, why was she there, looking at me like I was being insane?  
“Hello? Earth to Nelson, what is going on in here? Just, let me in…” She put her flat hand on the door and opened it fully, passing over me and entering the place without my permission. 

Even if I wasn’t supposed to look at her like that anymore, she was really beautiful. She looked around, worried about something and I could hear her keeping her breath once she discovered Chloe’s scattered clothes on the couch.  
She looked back at me in an instant, pure anger in her eyes and, she came closer to me. I didn’t even have the time to understand what was happening that I found myself protecting my face and, my entire body, from her rage.  
However, she managed to slap me right in the face before I had the chance to react.  
Was she for real? Not that anything had happened between me and Chloe and, by the look on the couch, it was easy to misunderstand the situation but, she had dumped me for no apparent reason the day before so, why was she that upset now?

“So this is why you didn’t want to let me in, isn’t it? You are such a fucking piece of shit, I don’t even know where to start to describe how disgusting you look to me right now… I don’t… I don’t even know… I don’t…” As she talked, between sobbing and lashing it out on me, she started babbling and she suddenly stopped talking and put her hands on her face, trying to hide from me the fact that she was now crying.  
I hated to see her like that, no matter what had happened between us but, as I tried to comfort her, she regained her position and looked at me with pure hate.  
I had never seen that look on her face. Not even all the times she had turned me down. Not even when she had called herself out of this.  
“Don’t touch me! Don’t… don’t try to do anything, alright? Just… just stay away from me.”

“Rae, if you’d just let me explain…”

“What is there even to explain, it’s all clear to me. I knew I shouldn’t have trusted you, I knew it, I just couldn’t help myself. I fell in love with you as soon as I saw you, even when you didn’t know I existed. I should have stopped, I should have known you could never love someone like me but, I believed you, because I wanted to. Because being with you was more than I could ever dream of but I should have known better, I should have known… why was I this stupid, why?” 

I hated listening to her talking like that. Her believing that I didn’t love her, that it was all fake, that she had been stupid when she had decided to trust me.  
I couldn’t believe we were back to that point but, then again, I wasn’t sure I had ever really known the real Rae.  
She was always hiding something, probably because she was afraid to let me down or, more likely, because she felt like she couldn’t completely trust me. I hated that, despite all of my efforts, I hadn’t been able to break through her walls.  
She had meant the world to me, she still did and, I just couldn’t stand there listening to her talking like that.  
Even if we were done, she needed to understand once and for all what she meant to me.

“I’m trying, really hard to find the right words Rae but, I don’t believe there are. I’ve always been honest with you; I loved you with all my heart, I really did. Despite how it ended you remain the most important person in my life. You gave me strength, one thing I thought I had lost forever, one thing I thought it could never belong to me again. But, most of all, you gave me love and I gave it back to you. I hope, inside of you, you can believe me because all of this, it’s true.” She was still sobbing but now she was listening. Despite the fact that she was mad at me, she was finally listening.  
“I’m not playing a game here, Rae, I never did. Everything we had, everything we shared, it was true. It was real. Although the fact that we are done now, that won’t ever change.”

“We are done because you cheated on me… how can you say it doesn’t change anything?”

“God Rae, we were both there yesterday, alright? And, maybe, I don’t know… you didn’t want to hurt me that much but you did. It was terrible for me, you saw it and, you didn’t care.”

“What are you talking about? Even earlier you said that…” As she kept on talking, Chloe came out of the bathroom, wrapped up in a towel. Rae turned her head over her and dropped her mouth when she saw all those bruises covering her face. She didn’t know what to say, what to do.  
“Chloe… I… what… how did this…”

“I’m okay Rae, don’t you worry. I just… I didn’t mean to interrupt, I just forgot my pyjama on the couch, I’m so sorry.” She gave me a soft smile and went to collect her stuff from the sofa when she suddenly stopped and turned around to face Rae one more time.  
“I didn’t mean to… I overheard what you guys were talking about and… well, those clothes are mine, Rae. He didn’t cheat on you, he would never do that, you know it. You know Finn. Always trying to do the right thing. He loves you, even if now he doesn’t want to admit it. He just helped me out last night, that’s all.”  
Rae nodded at her quietly and Chloe went upstairs, giving us the time to finally clear some things out.

I was a mess, we both were: sleeping hadn’t exactly cancelled all the booze I had been drinking the night before and now it was literally biting me right up in the ass.  
Rae was standing in front of me, unsure of everything.  
But she was the first to talk.

“I am… really sorry. I didn’t know… I mean… I didn’t…”

“It’s okay, you couldn’t possibly imagine something like this. I swear if I encounter that bastard, he’ll be dead before he can even say Chloe’s name.”

“Don’t put yourself in a dangerous situation Finn, I beg of you. If not for me then do it for her. She cares about you, deeply and, she wouldn’t want you to fight her own battles. Believe me, I know her. She’s my best friend.”

“I’ll try to do my best.” Neither of us knew what to say next. Cards were all on the table, we knew what we were dealing with and, even if we had already ended our relationship, this time, it felt like we were facing another closure. A deepest and scariest one. A final one.  
“So… about earlier…”

“Look, I overreacted and I’m sorry. I don’t know why I believed you could have cheated on me, it didn’t really make a lot of sense to me, either. I made a huge mistake, I hope you can forgive me…”

“It’s not about that. Well, it’s also about that but, not entirely. It’s about yesterday and I think, now that we are alone, that we should really talk about it.”

“I seriously don’t get it… what is there to talk about? You were great and you helped me a lot, Liam completely bought the all thing. He’s not gonna be a problem anymore.”

“He bought the all thing? What is that supposed to mean? What was there for him to buy?” Rae looked at me more confused than before but I was the one with a serious question popping in my mind. She was talking nonsense and I sure as hell, didn’t have a clue about what she was talking about.

“The all act you put up yesterday… you know, back at my place.”

“I didn’t put anything up Rae… it was all real.” She stepped back as if my words were actually hurting her. I didn’t know if this was all a scene she had put up, trying to get some reaction out of me but she really seemed devastated.  
“Why are you acting like you don’t know what I’m talking about?”

“Because, I don’t. I thought… I mean… I was faking it. All of it.”

“I’m sorry, you were what?”

“I was faking it, Finn, of course I was. I would have never left you like that, you know me. But, you weren’t. You really thought we were done, didn’t you?”

“Of course I did, you treated me like garbage and you let Liam talk to me like that. What else was I supposed to think, Rae?”

“You should have believed in me, in us. A few words, that’s what it took for you to end things between us? If I hadn’t come here this morning, would you have even come looking for me? Would you have even cared?” She was now yelling and crying again and, even if I hated seeing her like that, I couldn’t lie to her. Not this time.

“No, I wouldn’t have.” She held her breath as the words left my mouth and widened her eyes at me, unsure of what she had just heard.

“I matter that little to you? We had something real, something special and you, you would have tossed it aside just like that? Like it was nothing? Like we were nothing?”

“I told you yesterday we were done and I didn’t know it was a fucking charade. With you, it’s always like this. I don’t know what’s going on in that mind of yours because you don’t let me in. Ever. I need to understand, I need to be patient. I. I. I. There’s two of us in this relationship, did you know that? I have done everything I could for you and you didn’t even notice it.”

“Of course I did, that’s why I am this mad. I thought you cared about us, I thought you had understood I was playing him. I thought you were just playing along…”

“Well, I wasn’t. I meant every word and, now that I know it was a lie, I believe those words even more. You treat me like some toy and I’m sick of it, now. I am a person, you can’t treat me like I don’t have feelings. Because I do.”

She didn’t know what to say anymore and neither did I. It was probably because she had finally realized I was right and that she had been treating me like garbage or maybe, because we had finally come to the conclusion that, despite our love for each other, there was nothing left to save. 

“Maybe… I don’t know, we could talk about this, when we are a little calmer, what do you say, Finn? I’d like to talk about us some other time, when we are both… I don’t know…”

“I won’t change my mind Rae. I want you to know that but, if you want us to talk, one last time, I won’t say ‘no’ to this.” She nodded at me and whipped away one last tear before getting closer to the front door.  
This was it. This was the inevitable ending for us. And I was the one calling the shots.  
I never thought I could have lived without her, not after what we had shared, not after how much I had loved her but, now, I knew I had to, in order to survive.

“Maybe we could get a cup of coffee one of these days, what do you say?”

“Sure. Next Monday there’s the play back in college, it would be nice to settle things down before that. We don’t want to let people down. They are counting on us to do a good job and I really need those credits for uni.”

“Right, the play. I had forgot about that. Alright then, I’ll text you one of these days, Finn. Take care.” And just like that, she got out. Of my place, of my life. She was still deeply present into my heart but I knew I needed time to get her out of there, too.

As she looked the door, I automatically took a step in its direction. I don’t even really know why, I wasn’t exactly controlling my legs. Maybe my body couldn’t stand to be around her but not near her. It was all too new to me, I just need some adjustment.  
I stopped myself, firmly and then I jerked back until I found the couch right behind me and I took a seat; mind filled with thoughts.

After five minutes Chloe came down again, making sure Rae was gone. She had been this amazing friend, once again, not mentioning the kiss and trying to repair the damage between Rae and I but, this time, not even her healing power was going to help us. She briefly smiled at me and came to sit next to me.

“I’m so sorry I interrupted before, maybe I didn’t have the right to talk about you two it’s just that, I hate two see my closest friends being unhappy.”

“You didn’t interrupt anything Chloe, you were just trying to help and I appreciate that but, I believe there’s nothing to be saved here anymore.”

“Look, I don’t want to get inside your head, I’m pretty sure you know what you want and I can’t pretend to know it better than you do but, I beg of you, don’t put your pride ahead of your heart, it won’t lead you anywhere.”

“Said Chloe the wise woman…”

“Shut up, this is no game, stud. I’m just saying, I know you still love her, otherwise you wouldn’t be this mad at her.”

“The thing is Chloe, I’m not entirely sure I’m mad anymore. I think… I think I’m just exhausted from all of this, you know? I gave her everything I could and, apparently it wasn’t enough. She doesn’t trust me, not one bit. Maybe this was just the way it was supposed to be…”

“If you say so…” Despite everything she had recently been through she was still trying the best friend she could be. I was enchanted by her. By her personality, by her genuine care about me.  
I knew she was interested in me and yet, she was trying to help me fixing things with another woman. She was being the best version of herself and I was madly in love with that version.  
Not with her generally, I was a foul for even thinking that but, I was in love with the way she was capable of making me feel. She understood my deepest feelings in a way I couldn’t even begin to comprehend, she really knew me that well. In a way that, perhaps, Rae never did. 

“Chloe… can I ask you something?”

“Sure you can, stud.”

“It’s just… well, before when you and Rae were talking… you said I would never cheat on her. How do you know that? I mean, I know that we are friends and all but…”

“It doesn’t matter that we are friends, Finn, I just know you, the real you and, you love her too much to even think of cheating on her. You were a mess yesterday, after she left you. Cheating was definitely the last thing on your mind.”

“But we kissed…” She locked her eyes with mine for a brief moment and then she smiled, as if I was being ridiculous. Thing was, I didn’t regret that kiss, not one bit.  
Sure, it was made out of compassion and friendship, there was no love behind it, at least not romantically talking but, I didn’t regret it. In that kiss, I felt complete.

“Finn, I don’t know what that kiss was but I know it was nothing compared to the love you have for her. I’m not blind. It was a moment of weakness, I was fragile and you were just comforting me, I’m not expecting anything out of it.”

“But you wish there was something behind it? Something beyond compassion, don’t you?”

“You know the way I felt about you, let’s not pretend you don’t but, yesterday, it was nothing, really. And I am positive, it meant nothing to you. I’m not thinking about us getting married and having three kids, I hope you know that.” Always the same old Chloe. Joking around stuff, making sure everyone knows where she stands, what she thinks and she’s always ready to ease up the situation. She really was the best friend in the all world.

“At least five kids…”

“Yeah, absolutely. Two boys and three girls.”

“And how, in the world, would I put up with 4 Gemell’s girls?”

“Well, you’d have the boys helping you out.” We laughed, hard, and, it felt like we were having a good time after a long period of grief and pain. I was glad I could bring in her some kind of joy after everything she had been through with that Ian guy and she was definitely pulling me out my Rae experience.  
It was going to be a long process, we both knew it but, as long as we would have been friends, we would have been okay.

 

\----------------------

 

Four all days without Rae in my life. College was about to start again soon and the play was close but I wasn’t really paying attention to that.  
Sitting there in that café, waiting for her to pop up at some point and finally have that long awaited conversation, our all relationship flashed in front of my eyes. On top of all that, Christina Perri was singing at the radio, just like she was singing back at college prom when we first danced together. Unfortunately, this time it was 'Jar of hearts'. It was like that woman was inside my mind, every bloody time.  


_And who do you think you are, running around leaving scars, collecting your jar of hearts and tearing love apart._  
_You're gonna catch a cold, from the ice inside your soul, so don't come back for me, who do you think you are..._  


We had been happy, then miserable, then happy again, then miserable again, it was like an infinite carousel.  
In four months, my life had completely changed its course: all of a sudden, getting into a good university wasn’t my priority anymore. I had put all of my wished aside to please her, to make her understand she was everything I had ever dreamed of, that she was the one, that, although we were young, nobody was ever going to replace her in my heart and mind. I started failing at college, worrying to much that she wasn’t pleased with me, that maybe I wasn’t enough for her but, in the end, it had all been for nothing.  
And yet, I would do it all over again. If it meant not getting into college, loosing myself along the way but having the chance to love her for a bit, I would definitely do it all over again.  
I knew we were done, for good, and I also knew it was for the best, that I needed some time off, for myself, for getting my shit back together but, for a brief moment, as she walked into the café and she smiled, widely at me, I doubted myself for a second. Just a second. But I did.

“I am so sorry I’m late. Marissa wouldn’t let go of me.”

“It’s alright, I haven’t been here that much, don’t you worry.” She nodded and took off her jacket, before sitting in front of me at the table. As usual, she was beautiful.

“So, how have you been?”

“Good… I’d say. Yeah… good. You?”

“Honestly? I am a mess, Finn. It was hard for me not to text you or call you these last few days. But, like I said, we needed time to figure some stuff out and now we are here so, let’s talk.” Behind her look, I could clearly see it. Hope. She was desperate to hear me saying that I missed her as well, that taking a break was pure madness but, even if a part of it was true, I couldn’t tell her what she wanted to hear. We needed to press pause and I wasn’t sure I could tell for how long.  
“You’re not gonna say anything?”

“I’m just… confused, that’s all. I’m not exactly sure of what to say here.”

“Let met talk first then, okay?” I nodded and took a sip out of my tea as she started.  
“I know I screwed up, big time, okay? It doesn’t take a magician to see that I did some mistakes. I don’t know many things about my life, Finn. I’m not sure if I’m going to uni, I’m not sure if I’m going to be a good mum for Marissa or even if I am a good daughter but, if there’s one thing I do know, is that I love you and that I can’t let you walk out of my life. You mean everything to me and I’m sorry I wasn’t able to make you see that, I promise, if you give me, us, another chance, I’ll do better.”

“Rae…”

“No please, you have to let me finish. I’ll do better because, four days without hearing from you, have been more than enough for me to realize that I can’t do this without you, okay? Before, when I looked at you, from a distance, it was different. You didn’t know me and there was zero opportunity for us to start talking but now, it’s all different, you know? Because now I know what is like to be in love and to be loved in return and I can’t give up on that. I won’t. You just need to give me another chance.”

If there was one thing I was sure of is that I was still madly in love with her but this time, I needed my brain more than my heart. Because I already knew that, giving her another chance, would have meant, one month of happiness and five of pain and misunderstandings and, I couldn’t have handled that. Not anymore.  
Leaving her was the hardest thing I had ever done but I had to be strong and cut it off, before we could hurt each other more.  
I wanted to preserve all the good memories we had had and, keeping this up would have only meant more difficulties and struggles on the road. Things I really wasn’t up for.

“Rae… we have been on this roller coaster for over four months now. And, yes, there have been some great moments, the best of my life, probably. But now, it’s all different. We have given each other multiple chances of making this thing work but, it hasn’t. And, I only know how mad I am at myself for not being able of making it work but that’s just how it is. Maybe it just wasn’t the right time or…”

“No, we can’t just stop trying, okay? Life is full of problems and uncertainties but, if there’s love, we can make it. Isn’t that what you said, the other day, back at my place? Everything I said, about you not being the person I thought, it was all fake, Finn, I was just trying to keep him calm, so that he could gave me the full custody. I’m sorry I hurt you, it never was my intention.”

“You see? You do things and you don’t even realize it. Damn, you don’t even admit them. That day, back at your place, I was crying and yelling and you did absolutely nothing! I can’t believe you thought I was acting, that I was following your lead. You should know me, you should have understood I was falling apart, but you didn’t. And I didn’t know you were faking it. We don’t know each other, how can we be in a relationship when we don’t even know who we are?”

“That’s just it, we’ll learn, okay? I’ll tell you things about me and you’ll tell me things about you. That’s how a relationship works.” 

“No.”

“No? What is that supposed to mean? You said you were going to fight for us, that you would have never gave up on us, that I was important to you, that…”

“Oh please, you know how important you are! Do you want me to say that I don’t love you anymore? I can’t and I won’t say it. I’m done lying, Rae. Of course, I still love you but I need time to be out of this. Because we’re tearing each other apart and it’s not fair. Not to you, not to me. Love should give you strength but all we do is hurt each other.” 

She was still looking at me like she had been doing for the entire time but now, behind her eyes, there was only a blank space. All of a sudden, I couldn’t read her anymore. Her thoughts, her feelings, there was suddenly a big wall standing between her and me and, as much as I wanted to break through, it was impenetrable.  
Yet, she was still trying to close up the wound.

“Finn, I know I’m not an easy person to deal with. I know I am mental and that I have been extremely lucky to have you by my side for all this time but, I’m begging you, I don’t want to do this without you. If we end it now, it’s going to be because of me and I can’t handle that, okay? I need you to give me another chance, just one. I’ll be the best girlfriend you could ever ask for, okay? Just, just give me one more chance.”

“Rae, I need you to listen to me very carefully, okay?” I extended my hand over her, trying to catch hers in mine and she took it like her life depended on it. She was desperate for a touch, for some kind of intimacy while I was just trying to comfort her. We were on the opposite sides of a bridge and we couldn’t close the distance.  
“You weren’t lucky to have me and, certainly, you’re not mental, alright? You had some difficulties in the past, so what? Everyone has them. I was the lucky one. When I met you, my life was a mess. I was so introvert and still grieving for my nan after an all year but, you brought me out of the darkness and showed me that, on the other side, there was still beauty and life. You need to believe me when I tell you that I was the lucky one, okay? I’m not kidding and I’m not doing you a favor. It’s just the truth.”

“Yeah, but you’re calling yourself out of this because of me. Because I didn’t give you enough credit, because I didn’t believe you. If it weren’t for me, for my charade the other day, we would still be together, don’t tell me it’s not true.”

The brave Rae I had met, the one I had fell for, was long gone. She was replaced by this scared version of her and all I wanted to do was helping her. I needed to give her the closure she deserved, it wasn’t her fault we were in this mess.  
Once a relationship doesn’t work, we tend to think it’s gotta be someone’s fault, preferably the other’s, but we had both done mistakes.  
If something doesn’t work out, all the ones involved have some guilt; I just needed to take more responsibility than I really had. 

“I cheated on you, Rae…” It came out as a whisper because it hurt me to tell her such a lie but it was the only thing I could think of. She raised her eyes at me, filled with tears and, jerked her hand back from my hold, firmly but slowly.

“You what? No, you didn’t… I know you didn’t.”

“I did. The other day, when you came back to my place you were right. I didn’t cheat on you with Chloe but I did cheat.”

“You’re just saying this because you want out of this but I know you, you would have never done something like this.”

“I guess you don’t know me that much. I was miserable and I did something stupid. I want you to know, it’s not your fault we’re ending this, it’s mine.”

“I forgive you.”

“You what?”

“Yeah, yeah, I forgive you. Because, if it was all your fault, than all it takes for us to get back together is that I forgive you this, and we can try this again. Right? I forgive you and you come back to me.”

I couldn’t believe she was that easily forgiving me this kind of betrayal.  
She was still feeling like she was lucky to be with me and, because of that, she was incline to forgive everything.  
How could I make her realize that she was special and worth of love?

“No, I made a terrible mistake and you can’t just forgive it like it was nothing. You are special and you deserve to be with someone you can be faithful to you. That person isn’t me.”

“So, is that what you want? That I just go around and hook up with someone else? You want me to spend my life with someone else? You don’t want me anymore?”

“No…” She took my hand back in hers again and locked her eyes with mine. I knew I needed to give her the strength to move on but imagine her in the arms of someone else was pure torture to me.

“Than, let’s give us another chance, babe, I’m begging you.”

“No. No, I don’t want you in the arms of someone else but I know that I need to let go of you. We need a break. I don’t know if it’s going to be temporary or not but, we need some time to ourselves.”

“I don’t need time for ourselves, I need you. And, what about my daughter? She adores you.”

“Please, don’t bring her into this. This isn’t you. You don’t want to manipulate me into getting back together.”

“I’m gonna do whatever it takes to keep you by my side.”

I didn’t want to treat her badly, I knew she couldn’t have handled it, at least, not in that moment, but I needed to be sure she understood I wasn't faking it. This was goodbye and she needed to accept it. Even if it hurt.

“You want me to be honest and brutal, then? Fine, I will. I need someone by my side who can believe in me, who can trust me. Someone who opens up to me in ways you never did. I need someone who makes me feel like I am a priority.”

“You are my priority, of course you are.”

“Then you need to realize how to make me feel that I matter to you.”

“How can I do that? Saying ‘I love you’ isn’t enough anymore?”

“No, because I don’t feel it. I used to look into your eyes and see it, even when you hadn’t said it, yet but, now, it’s all blank. Those eyes I loved, they’re not there anymore. You are not there anymore.”

“I am here, I am sitting right here in front of you, can’t you see me?”

“I’m afraid I cannot.”

“Well… we can work on that. I can love us until you love us back, too. I’ll fight for us just like you fought for us back in the days.”

If we hadn’t reached out the point where I was exhausted by us arguing about pretty much anything, I would have been conquered by her fighting for us. God only knows how I wished for this, every time we were on a breaking point and, when does she decide to fight for us? Right when the time is gone.  
We really needed to work on this thing, in the future.

“Words don’t mean anything anymore! You left me an entire day, thinking that all that we had shared and lived together, meant nothing to you. That I was never going to be what you needed, that we were done for good. And I fell. Not physically but emotionally. Mentally. You broke me in a way that I didn’t think was possible. You made me feel like I was useless, like, I could have never get something done with my life. And, as Chloe came by, I couldn’t be the friend she needed me to be. I can’t be like that, ever again. I need to be myself and, when you’re around, I don’t even recognize myself anymore. That’s why we need a break.”

She lowered her eyes, not being able to keep contact with mine. I wasn’t completely sure of this but it seemed a lot like she had finally understood.  
Minutes passed by and she remained silent and, when she finally spoke, my world literally crashed apart. She was still my major weakness. 

“I am so sorry Finn. I hoped with all my heart that I wouldn’t have dragged into my hell, since you have always been my light. I’m sorry I couldn’t give you back what you have given me. You didn’t deserve that I certainly don’t deserve you.”

“Rae…”

“No, it’s fine. I get it now… I do. And… I’m guessing, this is not just a break is it? We are done for good, am I right?”

“Maybe we just met in the wrong time.”

“Yeah maybe. And, who knows maybe in the future we’ll find our way back to each other...”

“Yeah… maybe we will.”


	14. Chapter 14

Life forces you to become tough… a little tougher as every year passes by. I had to toughen up as I was 5 years old, as my mom walked out of our home and never returned. And then again, when my nan had passed away.  
I thought I had hit the breaking point back then but, I guess I hadn’t met HER, yet. 

Life as I used to know it wasn’t there anymore. All those new emotions I had felt with her, joy, passion, intimacy, love… those were all gone and, right there, in that moment, as we were on scene to finally perform “Romeo and Juliet”, all that we had lived together, flashed before me.  
I knew I needed to focus on what we were doing, this recital was a really big deal, for both of us and the college itself but, as I looked in her eyes, and played the part of this madly in love teenager, in a far away Verona, I couldn’t help myself.  
All that talk about her being the one, about spending our lives together, about marriage, I couldn’t help but thinking that those words didn’t belong to us. Not anymore.

I had always known we were too young to talk about marriage, about kids, despite the fact that she was already a mum and such a grown up in spite of her age but, I had always felt like, somehow, I had found the one.  
The rage and anger she raised in me, every time we used to argue about something important, the love I felt for her every single time she used to smile at me, softening her look and with those dimples on her cheeks. All those little things had made me realize I couldn’t have lived without her in my life. Without her as my woman.  
And yet, there I was, playing a part, reciting words that had always been dear to me, to someone who no longer was mine and, that, probably, would have never been mine again. 

I was somehow happy we had parted as friends. Well, maybe ‘friends’ was a strong word but, at least, we hadn’t fought. She had made me feel things I didn’t even know they could exist outside novels and, it wouldn’t have been fair, to me or her, to part as enemies. Plus, I still deeply cared about her and I was hoping our time would have come by once more.  
I just hoped we would have been more ready, this time. 

_O, here_  
_Will I set up my everlasting rest,_  
_And shake the yoke of inauspicious stars_  
_From this world-wearied flesh._  
_Eyes, look your last!_  
_Arms, take your last embrace! and, lips,_  
_O you The doors of breath, seal with a righteous kiss_  
_A dateless bargain to engrossing death!_  
_Come, bitter conduct, come, unsavoury guide!_  
_Thou desperate pilot, now at once run on_  
_The dashing rocks thy sea-sick weary bark!_  
_Here’s to my love!_

I wasn’t sure if I was happy or not, about ending the recital, although we had worked hard to make it work and everything had seemed to go well.  
The thing was that, ending the play, would have meant, no more afternoons spent together, learning lines and exercising kisses.  
It would have meant closing my relationship with Rae for good, and, although I knew it was the right thing for both of us to do, I still wasn’t ready and, as I took in my hand the cup, I tried to make that moment last for as long as I could. 

_O true apothecary!_  
_Thy drugs are quick._

I wasn’t sure if the audience or the director of the play would have liked this but, as I kissed her one last time, I wasn’t thinking about any of them. All I knew was that, as I got closer to her lips, I could feel her breathing change rhythm and a single tear escaped her eyes and, just like that I knew, she wasn’t playing at all. This was one last goodbye and suddenly, we weren’t sure if we could have closed the show as planned.

_Thus with a kiss I die._

Thankfully my part was over as I laid my back on the floor of the stage, pretending I just died and I could hear the public whispering and keeping their breath, as if they didn’t know how the play would have turned out.  
I mean, it’s Romeo and Juliet, what were they expecting us to do, ride off into the sunset?  
Anyway, as others came on and Rae prepared herself to wake up, I felt sad about being ‘dead’. It was our last moment together and I wanted to be there with her, sort of alive and, instead, I needed to pretend.  
I had never pretended with her, not once in our time together and now that everything was coming to an end, I couldn’t do anything in order to stop time. I just had to play along and let her do the talk. Let her close the circle, let her lie next to me, one last time.

_What’s here? a cup, closed in my true love’s hand?_  
_Poison, I see, hath been his timeless end:_  
_O churl! drunk all, and left no friendly drop_  
_To help me after? I will kiss thy lips;_  
_Haply some poison yet doth hang on them,_  
_To make die with a restorative._

And just like that, it was her turn to kiss me, firmly but briefly and, everyone from the audience, startled. They were enjoying the play. At least, someone was.

As we learned the lines together, I had always told her she would have been a great actress if she would have chosen that path but she always used to just laugh at me and told me to keep going. Now, as we were both standing on that stage, I was more certain than before. She was a real artist.

_Thy lips are warm._

And then, everything happened incredibly faster. Maybe because we were indeed at the end of the play or maybe because I had been trying to straddle time for as long as I could have and now I had no more power or control over it but, before I knew it, Rae was laying on top of me, ‘dead’ as well as me.  
And, right there, in that moment, something clicked inside me. Probably something clicked in her, too.  
It was over; as everyone applauded at us and we got back on our feet, it was over. The play, us. We were at the end of the road and, one last look at each other, was the only thing that kept us from falling apart. 

 

**… Ten years later…**

 

“Dad, I’m gonna be late for school, come on we have to go!”

“Coming right down Noel, don’t you worry.”

My son was probably the only kid who was eager to go to school. He didn’t want to grow up, he wanted to learn things so that, in his future, he could have known everything there was in the world to know and I was astonished by him, as each day passed by.  
There were nights when he would come up to me with the most strangest questions, at late night, and I wasn’t sure I could answer them and, every time I struggled with one of them he would always answer me _“you have a degree in psychology dad, how can you not know?”_ and, most of the times, he would ask me things like _“why water has no colour?”_  
I mean, obviously someone with a psychology degree, would know how to respond such a question. 

He was impatient for almost everything and he had handled my divorce with his mum, pretty well. For a nine-year old boy, he had said to me some pretty heavy stuff and he had made me cry more than once and I had always been incredibly proud of him.  
Fortunately, his mom and I, were incredibly good friends before everything so, we hadn’t go through lawyers, simplifying things for Noel.

The day we got married, we already had him but we had promised each other to put his needs first, no matter the circumstances and, I, was glad we had been able to maintain the promise.  
Noel’s arriving had completely turned upside down our entire life but we had been blessed with the most perfect kid in the world so, we had been happy since day one, even if we hadn’t predict him. 

“Come on buddy, let’s go or your mom will have my head for dinner.”

“Uh, gross, dad. You know she cures people with brain problems, not eat them, right?”

“Yeah, I know buddy, I know.” 

“Daddy, I almost forgot… I found this, yesterday night. Who’s Rae?” Noel was now keeping in his small hand an old journal, from when I was back in college and university. I hadn’t seen it in ages and thinking that my little boy had read certain things, gave me the creeps.

“Where did you find this, Noel? And why did you read it?”

“I didn’t, I know I don’t have to read other’s stuff. Who’s Rae?”

“How do you know her name if you hadn’t read it?”

“I just opened the first page to see what was it and her name was all over it. Was she your friend?”

“A friend… yes. From long ago.”

“How was she? Can I meet her?”

“Why would you want to meet her, you don’t know a thing about her.”

“Well, you wrote that she was your Juliet and I know “Romeo and Juliet” it’s your favourite book. So, can I meet her?”

I had completely forgot about the journal and all the things I had written about Rae and our past together. As Chloe and I moved on together and raised our kid, Rae had got out from our lives and we were building a new one without her in it.  
At first, we were just friends but, as we raised Noel, our feelings grew and we decided to take the big step.  
Unfortunately, we lasted very shortly but, we were still incredibly attached, and not only because of Noel.  
Chloe was still the same little, smart girl of all those years ago, except for the fact that now she was an excellent neurosurgeon and, even if she was at her first year in a real hospital, she was pretty good at her job.  
She had been extremely supportive of my psychology studies and she had always been proud of me as I had always been of her.  
If there was one thing I thanked college for, was meeting her. Not only for our child but because I had met my soulmate. My best friend in the all world.  
Maybe, that had been the reason of our divorce. She had never been more than my best friend to me.  
Or maybe, it had been because Rae had always stayed in my heart. And she still was. 

“I haven’t seen Rae in a long time, buddy. I don’t even know if she lives near by. We are not close anymore.”

“But she’s your Juliet.”

“And?”

“Romeo doesn’t give up on Juliet. Romeo searches and searches until he finds her.”

“How do you know all these things?”

“I used the internet.” I tried to keep the laugh to myself but Noel was too cute. He didn’t even know who he was talking about but he was desperately trying to understand. As always. 

“Come on, give me this journal and let’s get you to school.”

Noel jumped in the car and kept on babbling about her for the entire time. I hadn’t heard her name in a long time. Besides Chloe, I was still close with Archie, Chop and Izzy but, briefly after the recital back in college, Rae and her entire family had moved away and neither of us knew where they had gone.  
At first, it had been rough, especially on me and Chloe; Rae had left just in the moment her best friend needed her the most, dealing with the pregnancy and all but, she just wasn’t there. Not a phone call, an email. Not a fucking text. Nothing.  
I knew she just wanted to give us some space and to keep some for herself but, I also knew that she needed us but I didn’t know where to find her and I felt incredibly powerless. I hadn’t been able to help her as we were a couple and not even after that.

“Come on dad, just answer one question about her!”

“Fine! Only one, okay?”

“Yeees! Did she make you happy?”

“What kind of question is this?”

“You said you would have answered.” 

I took a good look of my son, unsure of what to say. I hated to deny something after giving my word but I couldn’t talk to my nine-year old son about Rae. He wasn’t the right person, he was too young and he definitely wouldn’t have liked me talking about someone who wasn’t his mother.

“Yes, she made me happy, sometimes. We were good friends.”

“Then, I think you should look for her. You’re always sad.”

“I am not sad, Noel. When did you ever see me sad?”

“Every day, really. I want my daddy to be happy so, I’m saying, if she made you happy, you should find her.”

“And I think you should go to school. Come on, time to get off.”

As my little boy got out and handled over the journal, he waved at me from outside the car and joined his classmates to enter the building. He was so smart, so kind and generous, I sometimes wondered if he was mine. Why did I get such luck with that little kid?

I looked back at the journal, a thing I hadn’t done in many years and, all those words and all those feelings, came back to me, like it had only been one day. Meeting and loving Rae, had changed me deeply.

 

_September 25th, 2014_

_Dear diary, this is the first time for me writing my feelings down so I might not be that good at it._  
_I never felt the need of keeping a journal, my life isn’t that great but today everything changed. I met a goddess._  
_Well, not exactly a goddess, more like an angel. Like I said, I am terrible with words._  
_It’s not like I haven’t seen girls before, I even had a girlfriend but, she is different. She is simply gorgeous. She’s so damn beautiful and_ _confident and… and she hasn’t even spotted me. We go to the same fucking college and she doesn’t even know who I am._ _Everyone used to know who I was. Why is that, once I find the perfect girl, I am no good for her? Plus, she has a boyfriend. And he’s_ _a dickhead._  
_What a great start, diary, a real great start._

 

I found myself laughing as I read my words but I didn’t have time to waist. That day was my first day at the hospital and I needed to meet my new patients.  
As I got my degree, all I could think about was telling Rae, I knew she would have been there for me but, as I turned around to look at my friends and Chloe, clapping at me, she wasn’t there.  
I had done it all, for her. All had been for her and she wasn’t even there.  
I could still clearly remember our last talk back at the coffee shop and how we had said that we had met in the wrong time but, I was desperate for us to find the right time.  
Letting her go, indefinitely, was never my intention. We needed time to realize who we were without each other and not knowing who she had become, had been eating me alive. Thank God for Noel, otherwise I wouldn't have survived.

Maybe Noel was right. Maybe I should have looked for her.

 

\-----------------

 

That day was up to Chloe to pick up Noel from school and my shift was about to finish. I just had one last patient to see and then I was free to go.  
As I got near my patient’s room, a young girl was sitting just outside it. She was sobbing but she was desperately trying to hide it.  
I approached her, quietly and, as she looked at me, her eyes filled with tears, my heart stopped. It was like being a sick teenager all over again. She was the exact copy of Rae.

“Hey there darling, what’s wrong? Can I do something for you?”

“I don’t need soothing, I need my mum but she doesn’t want to see me.”

“Why not?”

“Well, if I knew I wouldn’t be here, would I?” She not only had the same looks as Rae but also the same temper.  
“I know you…”

“You… you know me?”

“Yeah, I know you. Not, personally, well, I mean, probably personally, yes, but I don’t quite recall.”

“I’m sorry, I don’t think I understand.”

“Neither do I. I’m sorry, I’m just a wreck, don’t mind me. Are you my mom’s doctor?”

“I think I am, yes. I’m new here and your mum is my new patient.” That day had been a complete disaster and I had found out all the names of my patients as I was about to enter their rooms. How was I supposed to soothe this little girl when I didn’t even know the name of her mother?

“You’re gonna cure her, right?”

“I’ll do my best, girl. I swear.” I caressed her hair and briefly smiled, before entering the room. Her chart was on a small table near the door and the woman was protecting herself with the sheets, avoiding my look. I decided to go with a different approach, this time. The chart wasn’t going to help at all. I needed her to trust me and her daughter was probably a good start.

“You have a really beautiful daughter, you know that? She’s very caring and she would like to see you. How about we let her in, for a minute?”

She was still hiding under her sheets but I could see her shivering underneath them. Had I scared her away?

“Finn…?” I took a step closer as she spoke. I couldn’t exactly believe my ears. She was… but it couldn’t have been. It couldn’t. Why would she be there, laying in a hospital bed, waiting for a doctor to show up? Unless…

“Rae?” She let out a deep breath, as if she was finally seeing some light at the end of a tunnel and, got free of the sheets covering her up.  
It had been ten long years but she was still the same beautiful girl of all those years ago. Woman. She was a woman now. And that little girl outside was Marissa. Of course she was. How could I not recognize her?

“What are you doing here?”

“I am… well… I, I think I am… your doctor?”

“You think? Wait… doctor? You got a degree in medicine?”

“Psychology… yeah.” 

“Always knew you would have done great things.” A deep, profound and heavy silence took space between us. It was weird to finally be face to face after all those years and having her there, in a hospital bed in front of me, wasn’t exactly helping the situation.

“So… how have you been?” She laughed at me, like I was being pathetic and kind of idiotic and I laughed, too. I was being so ridiculous.  
“Sorry, wrong question.”

“It’s fine, Finn, don’t worry. I haven’t had a laugh in a while.”

“Too bad. You look gorgeous when you smile…” Why was I acting like a lovesick puppy? It was like we were back at being us, it was 2015 all over again and we were teenagers. And I was madly in love with her. Still. Always.  
“Sorry, shouldn’t have said that.”

“Were you lying?”

“No, absolutely not.”

“Then don’t apologize if you were telling the truth. Plus, it’s been a long time since someone has given me a compliment so, if you don’t mind, I’ll take it.”

“How long?”

“Ten years I guess…” I was having a hard time believing her. It wasn’t possible that she hadn’t had someone after me in her life. She was too perfect to be alone.  
“So, I’ll return the question… how have you been?”

“I’ve been… well, I’ve been… good. Yeah, good, I guess. You know it’s so weird….” 

“What is?”

“This… us. Just this morning I was talking about you with my so… son…”

“You have a kid? That’s great! How old is he?”

“Nine…”

“Nine? Wow… all grown up.” And there it was again. Silence got the best of us once more and we didn’t know what to say. It wasn’t like I didn’t want her to know about Noel but it was just, it was too much too soon. And, by the look on her face, she had misunderstood. Having a nine-year old kid would have meant me having an affair with someone else, just a short time after ending our relationship and I could see the betrayal behind her eyes. Although it was a thing of over ten years ago, she was suffering.  
“So, where’s the wedding band?”

“Ah… divorced. Didn’t work out. We were too much of friends to work out as a couple.”

“I’m sorry to hear that, Finn. Really.”

“No, don’t, it’s fine, really. It’s… it was Chloe. My wife, I mean…”

“Chloe? As in my friend Chloe?” I barely nodded and she widened her eyes in pure shock. She looked at me once more and smiled, briefly followed by another laugh. She was acting extremely weird as usual.

“What are you laughing at, now?”

“Nothing, it’s just… I… do you remember when I used to tell you, not to look at her? Well, I guess that didn’t quite work out…” 

“Guess not… by the way, Noel, my kid, he’s not exactly mine.” She suddenly stopped laughing and froze. Our eyes locked just like they were used to do and I automatically stepped closer, grabbing a chair and sat near the bed, taking her hand in mine. I wasn’t sure about what I was doing, all I knew is that I had missed her too much. Physically. Emotionally. I needed her touch. I needed her close to me, once more.

“What do you mean?”

“I mean, he’s Chloe’s kid but not mine. That son of a bitch, Ian, knocked her up that day you found her at my place with all those bruises on her body and, obviously she didn’t want anything to do with him. So, I told her I would have been the father of the child. And, well, when he was born we decided to give it a shot as parents, as a couple. We got married but we lasted only six months. She knew I didn’t love her like I loved… well, like I loved you and we both agreed on getting a divorce. But we’re still pretty close. She’s my best friend in the all world.”

As I let it all out, she squeezed my hand from time to time and she gave me small smiles, probably out of compassion. Once I was done, she wasn’t sure about what to do, what to say and, that silence allowed me to see bandages over her wrists. Right there, I regretted not reading the chart first.

“What happened to you in these years, Rae? Where did you get off to?”

“Well, after we broke up, I couldn’t stay in the same city as you so we moved up to London but, two years ago we moved back. It hasn’t been easy, Finn… it really hasn’t.”

“Life isn’t easy, Rae but, if someone can handle it, I know it’s you.”

“You say that because you’re nice and you’ve always seen the best of me but, I haven’t been strong, not at all. That’s why I’m here.”

“You can talk to me, Rae, you know you can.”

“As my therapist or as my friend?”

“Whatever you prefer…”

And that’s how she let it all out.  
How being apart from me and all her former and closest friends, tore her apart, day after day. How she didn’t feel like she was worthy of having a beautiful daughter like Marissa.  
How she started feeling useless after deciding not to go to university, in order to take care of her own family.  
And, how she started hurting herself, just in order to feel something. Something painful, yes, but something, indeed. She was just trying to experience something again, whatever emotion and feeling that might have been. And, every time she hurt herself, she knew it was a mistake but, she kept on doing it again because she didn’t know how to cope with pain anymore. 

“With you, it was different, Finn. And, I know it’s been ten years but, you made me feel so loved and so safe that, I knew it wouldn’t have lasted long. You would have realized I wasn’t good for you, after all and, you would have dumped me. That’s why I tore you apart like that. I wanted you to leave me but, when the time came around I tried my best to keep you in my life because I knew I had done the biggest mistake of my life. You meant everything for me. You still do.”

“It’s been ten years, Rae. Ten years, and you still think about us?”

“Every day. Every time I hurt myself I tried to focus on you in order to keep me from doing it, I focused on how much you and I loved each other but then, I couldn't help but think that I ruined that, too. I had ruined the one good thing of my life. Sure, I had my kid but she would have been so much better off without me and, that’s when I started cutting myself. I am so sorry for not being that brave and confident person you thought I was.”

“Your kid is out there, crying, because you won’t let her in. She cares about you, so much and she’s not gonna be okay without you in her life. She loves you, Rae.”

“And you?” There was a wild, desperate hope in her eyes. She was trying to find some love for her, inside of me. Something to make her feel like she was worth of living but, as much as I wanted to be her life jacket, she needed to learn how to swim for herself.

“Let’s not talk about me now. Do you want me to let her in?”

“No, I don’t want her to see me like this.”

“She’s not going to judge you, Rae. She’s your kid.”

“I just want to talk with you for a bit longer. Can we do that?”

“Of course, we can. I’m not going anywhere, Rae.”

“Don’t you have a girlfriend to go back to?”

“No, it’s just me.” She smiled and patted with her hand on the bed. I wanted to be there for her, I wanted to be one with her again, especially because after talking with her for such a brief time, I had realized I had never been completely over her and I was still madly in love with Rae but, I wasn’t sure if it was the right thing to do and I was tired of not knowing what to do whenever she was around.  
“You know, you still make me nervous…”

“Nervous, why?”

“Don’t know, you just have that effect over me.”

“Is that a good or a bad thing?”

“Don’t know, yet.”

“Do you… do you remember our last conversation, Finn? Back at the coffee shop?”

“Still printed in the back of my mind…”

“We still haven’t found our own time…”  
I didn’t know how she could do it. Every time I had a doubt about what to do and how to do it, one small chat with her had always been to clarify my thoughts and feelings, for better or for worst.  
And in that moment, as I looked deeply into her eyes, all I wanted to do was wrap myself around her, holding her in my arms forever and kiss her pain away.  
She made me so romantic sometimes.  
“Do you think we’ll ever find it, Finn?”

“I’m not sure about the future Rae, I’ve never been. But, I do know that I want you back in my life.” And, with that, I pressed my lips onto hers and it was like the time had stopped. For once, I was in control, I was the man of the situation, I was taking the lead. And it felt good because, like that, I felt like I could have kept her safe.

“I’ve been dreaming about your kiss for about ten years…”

“Promise me you won’t flee, not this time. Promise me, we’ll face our future together and, if you find yourself like you can’t see the light, you’ll tell me and I’ll be there with you, every step of the way, until you feel safe again.”

“I feel safe now… here, in your arms.”

“I hope you’ll feel safe every day and, if you stay, if you decide we can do this together, if you think that I can help, not as you therapist but as your partner, as your husband, I swear I’ll do everything for you. For us.”

“My husband, uh?”

“Oh come on, you always wanted to be a Nelson woman.”

“ALWAYS.”

And, all of a sudden, I knew that, after all, that audience turned out to be right: we did ride off into the sunset. Together, at last.  
This time, Romeo and Juliet did make it. And, for once, I had found my new favourite tragedy: my own life. With both our kids and our gang.  
And I was glad it wasn’t a tragedy anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That's the end of this beautiful ride! I hope you enjoyed reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it! Please send me over your comments, I love to hear from you!   
> Thank you for taking a little bit of time to read this, it means the world!


End file.
